Would you go on holiday with 1 DC and not the other?

[Ashiz]

19 year old has booked a trip to NYC for my 50th. 20 year old will be home from uni during that time. We would not be away for my actual birthday and will do something together on the day. DD(20) is really upset. Would you go?

I wonder if 19 yo didn't tell 20 yo beforehand because they knew 20 yo wouldn't be able to afford it and would complain and moan and try to persuade 19 yo to change their plans. If 20 yo is kicking off now, imagine what they'd be like before it was even booked.

What a lovely gift and you must go. Good chance for one to one time. If your older daughter is making a fuss over it it's not fair on you or your younger dd. There will be many more chances in the future for you to spend time with your older daughter. Don't feel guilty

You must go. Lovely thoughtful gesture by your youngest daughter to book somewhere she knows you've always wanted to go. Enjoy it and have some lovely 1:1 time. Your eldest sounds a bit jealous.

Of course you go. If 20yo wants to spend her money left, right and centre, that's her prerogative but why should her frivolity with money impact the fact that your 19yo has obviously worked really hard and saved conscientiously to take you on this trip? Your older daughter sounds jealous tbh.

When is the trip? If 20yo knuckled down and started saving now, would she be able to save enough in time to come?

You should go. Lovely generous present from the 19 year old. And the 20 year old is 20, not 12! Would hope she is planning a lovely present for you too instead of sulking.

It's your daughter's birthday present to you, and she's chosen to take you on a trip, not DH or her sister. Unless it directly inconveniences them, it's none of their business. No point in DD20 saving up or anything like that - she's not invited.
Go and enjoy it, it's lovely that your daughter wants to spend quality time with you!

What exactly is the 20 year old so upset about? That she isn’t going, or that she won’t get to see you on your actual birthday, or that her present pales in comparison? What does she want you to do about it? Is she telling you that you shouldn’t go because it isn’t fair, or is it that she has just not quite accepted that you are going without her?

Not that it makes a difference to whether you should go or not - you definitely should, and have a lovely time - but it helps to understand why your other daughter is upset. If she is genuinely disappointed in the moment of finding out, and not just selfishly thinking about how she doesn’t get to go, then perhaps, if you can afford it, you and your husband could pay for her to go with you as her 21st birthday present. Although, only do this if your daughters get on well, acting as referee between them for the trip will be no fun for anyone.

I think you should go, and I agree it was a lovely thing for your dd to do.

I’ve been in your 20 yr olds position though. For my mums 50th I saved all year for a bracelet she really loved, but was completely upstaged by my younger dbs present of a weekend in Disneyland Paris.
I know he had more money than me ( I was a single parent of 2 working part time) he was single, living at home, very well paid job in Canary Wharf, so it hurt a bit that my gift was barely acknowledged in favour of his huge gesture.

What did your 20 yr old get you?

I think it’s a bit odd that your 19yo didn’t mention to your husband or her sister her plans in case they wanted to save and go (and especially not mentioning it to her dad in case he had plans) but as it’s not over your actual birthday I’d go. And would tell the 20yo to lay off her sister.

I wonder if the 19yo didn't mention it to the 20yo because she thought she might deliberately spoil the surprise.... sorry, cynic here. In that case I wouldn't blame her for keeping it secret.

I think 19yo has done a lovely thing and you should totally go; do not under any circumstances offer to take 20yo along as she sounds like she'd accept but be a moody drag while there and spoil it.

And yes, I have 2 DC of my own and would do/think the same if this were my life, before anyone asks!

I think it's very generous of the 19 yr old, go and have a fantastic time together

Definitely go. DH's sister took their dad to Australia when DH was in his 20s and she certainly didn't consult him first!

If one of mine saved up to take me away I'd go!

what a fabulous gift!....i understand that is being clouded by the other reaction. Thing is 19 came up with idea,funds and surprise all by self. 20 can be miffed if wants.

Perhaps 19yr old wants to do ny too and wants some 1:1 time with her mum. Go on the trip and enjoy it. Tell 20yr old stop being bratty

I did this - I booked a trip away for my late mum's milestone birthday. I just wanted to surprise her with something I knew she'd always wanted to do. I didn't consult my siblings but with hindsight I should have done as my sister was very upset. Although we had a great time it was selfish of me as she wasn't just my mum and I didn't take that into account.

It's a lovely gesture by your daughter but I can absolutely see why her sister is upset. She should have talked it through with her and your husband.

I think this is actually really insensitive from 19 year old actually. I can see that it's a lovely gesture but it's bound to make 20yo feel a bit inadequate. My DS has form for similar...she has quite a wealthy DH and a few years ago (so early 20s) bought my parents an expensive holiday for Christmas, made the rest of us feel a bit inadequate for getting the usual small presents with our not very much money! I was particularly put out as DH and I had had a very hard year both emotionally and financially. I also know my parents were secretly a bit put out as they can well afford to book a holiday for themselves so the whole thing was just a bit like showing off.

See my Dsis has form for being like this....a nice thing for you and 19 year old is being made about her

Please think carefully...my dmum would have cancelled in a heart beat or paid for Dsis etc etc...everytime...and it simply told me over and over again Dsis feelings were more important than mine

Feeling bad for the 20 year old think it through...if they had a decent relationship they would have discussed it (I wouldn't have told my sis about it because she would either have tantrummed or claimed it was all her idea) ... it's not being fair to consider both feelings 20 year old is not a child and doesn't have a right to complain on this

Wow, what a fantastic gift from your daughter, you must feel overwhelmed. Please don't let your other daughter spoil it.

They are both old enough to keep their feelings to themselves now, and you should be having separate relationships with both. I am sure that you will treat your 20 yr old's gift with equal enthusiasm. I would acknowledge the 20 yr olds feelings once but then make it clear that that was enough.

Does the 20 year old think her sibling should have paid for her to go also?

If so, she's being unreasonable. If not and she's just jealous, she's being unreasonable.

They're both adults now. An adult child can take a parent on a trip if the adult child wants to without having to also pay for their sibling OR not do the trip because of sibling's feelings.

I am the eldest of 6 - how would consulting work then? We can't even agree on a pub to go to. Go and enjoy the holiday and come back and celebrate en famille on the day - DD20 is a whinge bucket.

Why on earth is it ‘insensitive’ or ‘thoughtless’ or ‘mean’ of the 19 yo. She wants to treat her Mum, why shouldn’t she because her duster spends rather than saves?

For whatever reason she hasn’t invited her sister...that’s her choice. Maybe her sister would ‘take over’ or want to do different things than she does, maybe her sister annoys her, maybe she just wanted to spend a FEW DAYS with her Mum on their own. She’s under NO obligation to invite her sister, none whatsoever.

It’s NOT even booked on the OPs actual birthday, so she can’t complain she won’t see her Mum on her mum’s actual birthday - but at 20 she should have grown out of that as well FFS.

WHY are so many of you determined to take ‘the side’ of a sulking TWENTY year old? She spends her money (as she’s entitled to), DD19 saves hers and is equally entitled to spend it as she wishes.

Grrrrrrr

Because dh and sister have been excluded from the very grand albeit kind birthday celebrations for a special birthday

20 is actually still quite young.

Can’t cope with Mumsnet sometimes - half the posters seem to want nothing to do with the rest of their family ever, while the other half seem to think the family unit should be joined at the hip even when all its members are adults. I’m so pleased that real life is not actually like this.

In addition, a considerable number of you seem to be projecting your own sibling relationships onto this thread. OP has said that in her opinion (and I guess she knows her own children better than some internet randoms do) the younger child is not doing this to score points off her sister. Why not just accept it as a kind act? Presumably OP’s husband will be planning a celebration for her on the actual day which everyone can participate in (or is OP’s next thread going to be “AIBU to be gutted that DH didn’t even buy me a card for my 50th birthday?”)