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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at a 17 year old seeking attention from DH?

54 replies

ILoveHumanity · 20/08/2018 23:31

So there is a friends daughter who is 17, I was close to her and used to bring her for sleep overs at my house. I met someone when she was 15 and obviously He liked her as his little sis as did I. We are both in our twenties.

My DH is a respectable man. After we got married sim started to stir trouble for me and 17 yo girl. She started teasing and saying to DH how 17 yo fancies him and how she is gorgeous and how if she was older he should’ve got with her instead. Obviously DH found her weird.

Said sil started hanging around 17 yo girl And became best friends (sil is 20). After that 17 yo changed her attitude and started behaving competitively... seeking attending from Dh.

I felt compelled to recue my relationship with her so I told her that sil is stirring trouble and trying to get her brother to fancy that girl - gullible me thinking that her sisterly loyalty will make her not betray my trust. After that conversation her competitive attitude peaked and became so obviously flirtatious.

He noticed a few times that she would go out of her way to appear attractive and catch his eye and stare at him .. he informed me. I didn’t make anything of it at first, and continued to invite her.

But few times I managed to see infront of me that she was waiting for moments when I’m absent to go and seek attention from DH in a provocative way. I sometimes saw from a distance. Dh was always uncomfortable.

It seems like sil filled her head with crap.

Both are teenagers and I’m almost 30. So I’m ashamed that I would be picking on such age group.

I started distancing myself from girl... I think she is pissed off with me .

AIBU or am I just handling this in a childish way?

OP posts:
Heighwayqueen · 20/08/2018 23:35

You are not being a child, she is.
Distance is the only answer to this. I wouldn't have her around to yours, I’d make sure there is never an opportunity for her to be alone with your partner.
I’d probably be harsher than that and tell her to cut it out or she'd be out of my life

GunpowderGelatine · 20/08/2018 23:41

Sorry who is this 17yo girl, your friend's daughter?? Why do you see so much of her? And what is it you're exactly worried about?

17yos can be a bit daft and a bit selfish and dramatic, I doubt she actually wants to have an affair with your DH! Let this phase pass, drop the contact or even get your DH to be extra affectionate with you when she's around.

Goostacean · 20/08/2018 23:42

It’s not picking on them, it’s protecting your marriage.

I think you’re right to distance yourself. I’d not get into a discussion about what or why, just stop inviting her round- or make it less frequent then stop, if you want to be more discreet.

Don’t allow a snake into your home, especially when she knows you’re onto her and STILL she continues!

Maelstrop · 20/08/2018 23:50

Fuck her off. She’s trying out her sexuality with your dh, it’s very inappropriate and you need to put distance between you, her and your dh.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 20/08/2018 23:55

Thanks everyone.

So she keeps sending me messages asking when can she come over and so on, to which I have been creating excuses. I think she realised I’m distancing myself.

My long time friend is older than me, she was almost like a mentor type of friend who used to advise me. I used to tutor her daughter because I’m closer in age than her mum and we’ve got on well and so her mum asked me to spend time with her when she was going through teenage confusions. Obviously the most obvious confusion is teenage drama and boys.

I thought of speaking to her mum about what’s going on but I really think her mum noticed what was going on and seems to be not bothered to address it. As we went on an outing all of us together and her daughter was being obviously odd and giggly around DH and I became uncomfortable but expected the mum to sort her out... but to my surprise the mother was meh ... or even amused.

I think if I address it they’ll make it out as I’m jealous and insecure...

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 21/08/2018 00:01

GunpowderGelatine...

I’m not sure what I’m worried about. Not thinking to far ahead as I do trust DH.

I just find it disrespectful and unloyal and makes me not trust how far she would go ... meaning I’m not enjoying my time with her as much anymore.

I doubt she is thinking of an affair with DH. I don’t think she is that bad. I think she is just craving sexual attention and validation. A bit more in a competitive way, am I able to get a guy as handsome to fancy me kind of way..

A bit desperate to succeed at it type of thing .

Hope I don’t sound like a loon. I do feel awful that I’m tearing her down like that. Thing is I’m not taking it personal as all teenagers are a bit silly. I’m just sad that I’m having to hurt her and distance myself and sad that I couldn’t grow our friendship further as she truly was like my little sister

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 21/08/2018 00:09

I would find this worrying, 17yos can be stupid and not think about consequences. Do not leave her alone with your DH and have a talk with her or her DM

Goostacean · 21/08/2018 00:12

They are silly, but the whole thing could stop being silly and get very serious, very quickly. Don’t feel bad - your primary loyalty is to your husband and you relationship. Especially as her mum won’t sort her out!

Just cool off for a while; hopefully in the long term you can be friendly again, maybe once she’s either grown up a bit or got her own partner (or both!).

slashlover · 21/08/2018 00:23

Do you want to keep a relationship with the 17 year old?

Could you suggest you do something where your DH isn't present? Go for lunch or go shopping? Maybe invite her over while he's out at work or with friends?

Coco2891 · 21/08/2018 00:25

I'd tell her outright that her behaviour and weird crush on DH was making you both feel uncomfortable and that while she continues to behave this way you don't want to be socialising with her . Like someone else said it could get serious or she could end up totally infatuated and making up wild stories 😬 teenage girls scare the hell out of me these days

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/08/2018 00:32

When someone (like this girl) behaves disrespectfully towards you, then they immediately release you from any responsibility towards them in terms of nurturing the relationship.

Keep distancing yourself and refusing/avoiding meet ups. Drop her.

To allow her into your house would be akin to masochism - welcoming abuse and humiliation.

Feel secure in distancing yourself from a toxic person. She’s not your kid.

Skittlesandbeer · 21/08/2018 00:40

You seem to have the kind of relationship/history with the girl’s mother that would allow you to address this with her. Do it from the point of view of being very concerned for the girl. Don’t imply there’s any insecurity from your part, just go on about how worried you are for her morals and future relationships.

Ask the mother whether she thinks you should intervene with the girl, or she should, or both together. Make it clear someone needs to, before she really embarrasses herself. And then indicate that to enable the girl to hang with her own age group, you will be suspending social invitations for a few months (for her own good).

Approach this from the tone of ‘concerned auntie’, in the same way you would if the girl were experimenting with drugs around you. I’d probably heavily imply I’d seen her act up with other older men too, to absolutely remove focus from ‘your man’.

Don’t worry about looking insecure, it’s time to repel this little pest. One does not get paranoid about a mosquito, one merely swats it away and moves on with life, yeah?!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/08/2018 00:41

I find your thread a little confusing, although I have been drinking, so it's probably just me.

But regardless of who's who and who's who's friend or SIL or mentor or whatever,
The thing is, this whole thing could be stopped in it's tracks in a single mili-second if your DH just let her know by his words/his actions/his body language that he's not interested, he hasn't noticed her, he isn't going to take it further, he prefers you, he's not flattered, his ego isn't boosted, etc.

There's no need for you to do ANYTHING.

Your DH just needs to NOT be receptive.

I'm sorry, but it really is that simple.

HonkyWonkWoman · 21/08/2018 00:43

Just drop the "friendship" with this 17 year old. She's too old to be around a married couple your age any more, she's not a little kid, she needs friends of her own age now.
If she is in you and your Dh's company, make sure that you don't leave her alone with him. If she flirts in front of you, take her to one side, tell her that you are aware of what she is doing and she is being very disrespect to you.
It's up to you to make her stop it.
I certainly would.

Tomatoesrock · 21/08/2018 00:53

Your DH needs to ignore her, do you think he is secretly flattered? I am not sure on how to put this but are you be jealous and ferling insecure maybe seeing things worse than they are.

Years ago when DP first got together I felt territorial when young beautiful women were around, even on the tv, I am ashamed to admit now but I was insecure after a bad relationship . I am very secure now and would not give a toss. My nieces the teens and their pals arrive some days in bits and other days totally stunning. I dont bat an eyelid these days.

Tomatoesrock · 21/08/2018 01:02

Ask her has she a crush on your DH. She probably has a phone full of young 18 years olds. If you know her well, you probably mean lots to her.

Please do not avoid her or cut her off. If you have any doubt run the conversation through your head, if you still feel your right be honest and ask her.

I am thinking American beauty. Your SIL is an asshole go low contact with her.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/08/2018 01:17

You don't sound like a loon!

Honestly, keep your distance. None of this sounds healthy! If she texts you tell her you and DH are busy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2018 02:38

Shes 17 and shes got a crush. Your DH is a safe person to do this to. He should have good boundaries but honestly, it will blow over when she meets someone more suitable.

TheWonderfulCat · 21/08/2018 02:52

Just be careful, she might make up stories about your DH saying they have slept together. Not sure what the age of consent is where you are but this could go bad legally without your DH even doing anything. Or if shes brazen enough, might try blackmail your DH.

Extreme circumstances yes, but you never know

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2018 03:03

she might make up stories about your DH saying they have slept together

FGS. What a lot of nonsense. Young women have had crushes on older men for ever. And you know who generally acts like an arsehole? The men. I was a 17 year old and I can vouch for that. What on earth gives the impression she`s anything other than a silly, young, innocent girl who has a crush?

Antigon · 21/08/2018 03:31

Just drop the "friendship" with this 17 year old. She's too old to be around a married couple your age any more, she's not a little kid, she needs friends of her own age now.
If she is in you and your Dh's company, make sure that you don't leave her alone with him. If she flirts in front of you, take her to one side, tell her that you are aware of what she is doing and she is being very disrespect to you.
It's up to you to make her stop it.

I agree Honky Wonky Woman

TheWonderfulCat · 21/08/2018 03:39

MrsTerry I have also been a 17 year old and whilst I didnt do any of that one of the girls I was with in school told us all that her neighbour had raped her. It got investigated, the mans wife left him and took the kids and in the end the girl said she made it all up because he rejected her.

thebewilderness · 21/08/2018 03:48

It is wrong to make people uncomfortable around you with that kind of inappropriate behavior whether you are a man or woman or a 17 year old girl.
She is making a fool of herself and will be ashamed later when she realizes her crush is obvious to everyone and is making your DH unhappy.
Try talking to your sil about the inappropriate behavior.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2018 04:16

That might be true @TheWonderfulCat but the fact is that maybe a third, if you're lucky a quarter, of those girls at school with you will have been assaulted in their lives. But you remember the girl that accused someone. Not the countless girls who were assaulted and said nothing.

This weird trope that teenage girls are the issue, in the face of all the evidence, just looks like misogyny.

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 05:10

She has a crush. It’s up to your DH to shoot it down, no one else. It doesn’t matter if she leaves crying her heart out believing the world is about to end, he is married and she is being hugely disrespectful to you and your friendship.

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