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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at a 17 year old seeking attention from DH?

54 replies

ILoveHumanity · 20/08/2018 23:31

So there is a friends daughter who is 17, I was close to her and used to bring her for sleep overs at my house. I met someone when she was 15 and obviously He liked her as his little sis as did I. We are both in our twenties.

My DH is a respectable man. After we got married sim started to stir trouble for me and 17 yo girl. She started teasing and saying to DH how 17 yo fancies him and how she is gorgeous and how if she was older he should’ve got with her instead. Obviously DH found her weird.

Said sil started hanging around 17 yo girl And became best friends (sil is 20). After that 17 yo changed her attitude and started behaving competitively... seeking attending from Dh.

I felt compelled to recue my relationship with her so I told her that sil is stirring trouble and trying to get her brother to fancy that girl - gullible me thinking that her sisterly loyalty will make her not betray my trust. After that conversation her competitive attitude peaked and became so obviously flirtatious.

He noticed a few times that she would go out of her way to appear attractive and catch his eye and stare at him .. he informed me. I didn’t make anything of it at first, and continued to invite her.

But few times I managed to see infront of me that she was waiting for moments when I’m absent to go and seek attention from DH in a provocative way. I sometimes saw from a distance. Dh was always uncomfortable.

It seems like sil filled her head with crap.

Both are teenagers and I’m almost 30. So I’m ashamed that I would be picking on such age group.

I started distancing myself from girl... I think she is pissed off with me .

AIBU or am I just handling this in a childish way?

OP posts:

TheWonderfulCat · 21/08/2018 05:13

As a female who has been sexually assault and never said anything, as have many of my friends I do understand what you're saying and I'm not saying that this will definitely happen and I know it's a very very unlikely scenario, but I just thought I'd give the OP some food for thought. OP knows the girl better than us, hopefully she knows what shes like.

More than likely this is just a silly crush

BlueBug45 · 21/08/2018 05:26

You need to have a conversation with your husband about her behaviour and tell him he needs to tell her to stop. Then when she starts flirting with him he needs to tell her clearly and firmly to behave herself as her behaviour towards him is unacceptable as he is an old married man. If your husband doesn't learn to do this then he may end up with more children - well 17 is a child - doing this in future.

CircleofWillis · 21/08/2018 06:03

You can address this in a number of ways.

if you wish to continue a friendship with her, meet her away from your home so she is not around your DH so much.
have you discussed this with your husband? If not do so at once. You can come up with an action plan to protect all of you in this. A PP suggested your DH should be extremely affectionate towards you in her presence. You being affectionate towards him will not have the same affect as she needs to know he loves and wants to be with you and no-one else.
if your SIL suggests any of this again just laugh it off and don’t even discuss it. A simple “don’t be so silly, SIL” and s change of subject will go a long way. A discussion will give the idea ‘legs’. Simply laughing it off with show you are secure and don’t consider the 17 year old a rival in any way.

I was the teenager in this more decades ago than I would like to admit and while I was very innocent and couldn’t imagine having sex with the object of my affections. Instead I had a rich imagination which replaced me with his wife and a wonderful future together. He was a colleague at my first place of work and had been nice to me - nothing inappropriate even for the early 90’s.

actualpuffins · 21/08/2018 06:13

FGS. What a lot of nonsense. Young women have had crushes on older men for ever. And you know who generally acts like an arsehole? The men. I was a 17 year old and I can vouch for that. What on earth gives the impression she`s anything other than a silly, young, innocent girl who has a crush?

Good post, completely agree.

acatcalledjohn · 21/08/2018 06:15

Your DH needs to be firm and tell the 17YO that she's embarrassing whenever she flirts with him, and also tell his DSis to stop encouraging the 17YO to behave that way.

I'm baffled that he's not gotten angry with his DSis yet as it sounds like she doesn't like you and wants to cause problems in your marriage. Why else would she encourage the 17YO?

AlmaGeddon · 21/08/2018 06:18

I wouldn't trust her mainly because she is being spurred on by sil. Sil could come up with any 'fun' joke to stir things up. I'm thinking of a false sexual assault accusation against DH (perhaps as revenge if he rebuked her). Just keep her away (as it seems to be you who has dealings with her) and tell the DM and possibly the DGirl why.

rwalker · 21/08/2018 06:18

you can't have her at yours she could say and accuse your dh of anything and would not realise how serious and devastating the consequences would be .
speak to her mum

picklepost · 21/08/2018 06:47

Two things.

One - distance yourself.
Two: be open to the possibility that something may have already happened between your partner and the girl.

Neshoma · 21/08/2018 07:07

I can't work out what's going on. Who's who?

Guienne · 21/08/2018 08:20

Surely it would be relatively easy to respond to her requests to come over by making sure it is always times when your DH is away. She may well become less pushy about it anyway in that event.

OneStepSideways · 21/08/2018 08:29

She's only 17 and probably has a crush on him. She's almost a child still, at that age you have all sorts of confused feelings towards men, married or not. I'd ignore and hope she grows out of it. And tell your DH to avoid being alone with her!

Jaxtellerswife · 21/08/2018 08:38

Yes, men can be evil but so can girls. Sure, she has a crush. That would be fine except she's actively trying to make it obvious. She's not doodling on a notepad dreaming and being embarrassed.
Tell her to pack it in op, or better tell your dh to. At least distance yourselves. This has trouble written all over it

Duchessgummybuns · 21/08/2018 08:40

Stop hanging out with children OP. This includes SIL.

Tomatoesrock · 21/08/2018 09:35

Is the girls Dad in her life. Is she looking to him as a father figure? I do not think she wants to take your place, maybe she is trying to validate herself at her beauty peak. How long have you been part in her life? If it is a long time as with the sleepovers please discuss your concerns with her Mam first, then be honest with her.

Onthebrink87 · 21/08/2018 09:45

Just tell her she's not welcome anymore! She's 17 she understands right and wrong as well as you or I! I'd text and say 'name. You like to act like an adult with your obvious and embarrassing pursuit of my husband so I will deal with you as such. I dont want morally stunted tarts in my home. Dh does not either. So stop making a show of yourself and start making some age appropriate friends'

I hate the stench of desperation 🤢

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 09:50

Do you not think calling the daughter of someone you know a morally stunted tart might be a bit of a dramatic way of dealing with it?

Onthebrink87 · 21/08/2018 09:55

Oh and to mention, don't give her so much credit. I remember 17 very very well! Still very much silently insecure and seeking validation from men and becoming very aware of a young girls 'power' to attract men - older men being the ultimate ego boost. At this age I had a few very short relationships with med in their late 20s to mid 30s and feeling like you could make a man (Not a boy) fall at your feet is something else! Some 17yo girls are bloody preditors! I was, and I'm far from proud of it, i never got involved with men in relationships that i knew of, but my low self esteem was so crippling that i didn't put much thought into how my behaviour could have effected others (my poor parents!)

Onthebrink87 · 21/08/2018 09:58

And no I really don't! Im 31 but I remember being 17 very well it's a year that sticks out to me very well and I knew exactly what I was doing and the reasons why! This girl knows how well the op has treat her and understands she has been a fantastic friend and support system yet is more than happy to disregard that completely to have her own ego stroked! People are silly to treat girls of that age with the innocence of an 11 year old!

Onthebrink87 · 21/08/2018 10:06

And I fully echo what jax has said. It's not a crush it's an active pursuit.

Whilst op's dh may never dream of being unfaithful, if you don't see a 17yo girl having relations with a young man in his 20s, that's extremely naive.

81Byerley · 21/08/2018 10:29

If you want to keep seeing her, why not arrange coffee or lunch, or a shopping trip out with her by yourself? Change the dynamic? Or you could jokingly call her out on it? "Hey, you're not trying to flirt with my husband, are you?"

Loonoon · 21/08/2018 10:31

She sounds young and silly and has a crush which is all completely age appropriate.
The best thing you can do is distance yourself and particularly distance DH from the situation. If you like her and want to maintain the friendship see outside the home or when your DP is far, far away.

There is no need to say anything to anyone, she will meet someone who is genuinely available to her soon and the situation will pass on its own. Talking to her or anyone else about it runs the risk of blowing the whole thing up into a massive drama with people taking sides.

Saracen · 21/08/2018 10:37

I think it would be excessive to distance yourself from the girl just because she is behaving foolishly at the moment. She needs people of all ages in her life. She looks up to you.

Your dh is the one who needs to make it very clear to her that he is not and never could be interested in her. If he can't manage that then it would be a good idea for you and her to see each other when he isn't around. He should also tell his sister to cut it out with the inappropriate jokes, and say that he would never in a million years take a romantic interest in a child, and even if the girl were older he would never take any interest in anyone other than his wife and he finds her comments highly offensive.

50andgoingstrong · 21/08/2018 10:37

Your SIL needs a stern talking to! Your DH needs to tell her clearly that is is happily married to you p, not flattered by this stuff, and her friend needs to be told to back off.

She is the one setting this up.

You need to meet the 17yo on her own and have a chat with her. See if she needs support with her self esteem around men.

Original poster

ILoveHumanity · 21/08/2018 12:14

Thanks everyone. I won’t be approaching it harshly I do feel she will grow out of it or at least cool it down but I do feel betrayed at the idea she would ever see me as a doormat and to be taken advantage of just because I am being kind to her. Especially that she does do certain things in front of me knowing that I’m uncomfortable as I make it very clear to her that I am hoping for some waking up from her side.

Anyway, to the pp that asked if I think my DH is flattered.. i don’t think he acts flattered but I do think he isn’t taking this whole thing seriously. Like I wanted to distance myself and DH who has become friends with that girls brother , keeps chatting to him everyday. Which makes it odd for me that I’m keeping the girl distanced

DH tells me when he feels the girl is acting inappropriately and usually looks away when the girl is staring st him a bit much and acts uninterested. But he doesn’t seem to see the need to distance in fact, the girls mum and girl invited us for next week and while I’m creating excuses to not go ... DH seems to be trying to please me but trying to convince me to go.

I’ve told him that I would like to keep my distance so that I can maintain my long term friendship with them after this stupidity is over and that since he was friendly with the girls brother for my sake because we were going on friendly outings , that maybe now for my sake he could cool it off so that there is less invitations expected.

OP posts:

AlmaGeddon · 21/08/2018 14:29

She will surely find a boyfriend soon and DH no longer of interest.

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