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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by partners answer to step daughters question?

129 replies

Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 11:28

Apologies a bit long, but thought some back ground info would help. My and my dp have been together for 6 years, he has a 12 year dd and I have an 8 yr old ds. My ds is very attached to his stepdad and they have a wonderful relationship, as do I with dsd.

Dsd is very attached to her father, in that she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc. I think this is because my ds is at home with him everyday, and dsd is here at weekends. That’s fine, we all appreciate she needs that time with her dad and they often spend time doing stuff just as father and daughter.

Last night however, we went out to dinner and the kids started playing ‘would you rather’ at which point dsd asks dp, would you rather me or xxx (my ds) I piped up there and said I don’t like this game lets play something else but dp went in to answer with , ‘of course you, your my daughter and the most important’ dsd then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’. AIBU to think that this conversation wasn’t fair in front of my son, and to be annoyed? Or am I reading too much into it and should just ignore it? Of course I understand she is after all his daughter, but I feel that in front of my son he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’? It does appear to have gone over my sons head as he would of spoken to me about it by now, so It’s just me that’s upset by this.

OP posts:

MeyMary · 20/08/2018 19:58

Her son wasn’t bothered. At eight he knows there is a diffence in how he loves his daughter and how he loves his stepson.

His step son is confident in that knowledge

And where exactly did you gain that knowledge?

And anyhow, this may currently be the case. But additional "incidents" may unfortunately change that...

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 19:58

He wasn’t bothered peng what senario have you got going on in your head because it just didn’t happen.

Her son wasn’t bothered.

But he must also know that he isn’t his real dad and he IS dds real dad. He must also know there is a difference - because like op said - he wasn’t bothered.

That’s totally different That he wasn’t adopted. He is there because op got with her dad. But ultimately the dad got asked a question and HE answered it honestly. Once again the boy wasn’t arsed - only op. Probably because dd got put before her too...

Original poster

Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 19:58

Not sure if you are a step parent, and a parent. But if you are then I’m sure you can appreciate how difficult it can be to get the balance right, I think more so than when there are no step children involved at all. I do not have first hand experience as to how it must feel to not live with both parents, however I will do my damn hardest to understand and appreciate how she is feeling and to help her feel secure within herself and her life. I can assure you I don’t sit there and roll my eyes and huff and puff when dsd sits next to her father. In fact it isn’t even mentioned it just happens, if it ever doesn’t then yes it can be a bit frustrating when we all have to move around, but we do always make sure it happens. Whether that’s right or wrong I don’t know, but I’m not sure it’s a battle to have right now. There is no jealousy between my partners relationship with his daughter, in fact it’s lovely to see that they have that. Perhaps the response I was expecting is not necessarily the one he should have given, and that a private conversation later to reaffirm her importance to him and that he loves her dearly was better, that’s fine I accept that, but I don’t think it was at all an appropriate answer in front of my son and neither does he.

OP posts:

MissSusanSays · 20/08/2018 20:23

You sound like a wonderful step parent OP. This is obviously a massive cry for help with insecurities. She needs to talk to her dad about how she feels. She's getting into that difficult time where teenagers try to work out where they fit in. She obviously needs a bit of support and direction.

Cheby · 20/08/2018 20:31

But he must also know that he isn’t his real dad and he IS dds real dad. He must also know there is a difference - because like op said - he wasn’t bothered.

This, and most of the other comments from Sweetsongbird1 are just awful. I can only assume there is some massive projecting going on.

The DS has known this man as his father since he was 2, it since before he can remember. Of course he is his ‘real’ father.

OP you sounds very considerate. I hope your DP addresses this with your DS and you can move forward.

Bibidy · 21/08/2018 09:42

I honestly can't believe some of the comments on this thread!

Everyone on mumsnet usually advocates that step-parents should love and treat their stepchildren as their own, and here is an example of an OP doing just that, and people are saying she's out of order for not allowing her partner to drum into her son that he loves his daughter more!

You honestly couldn't make it up, it's so awful. At the end of the day, this family is well-established and it doesn't matter who is related by blood, they are one family now and the two children have been raised as siblings, as equals. No matter what natural preferences may lie in the heart of the parents (and of course they probably do), you can't let children know, especially when they have been raised together as a family from a young age. You're drawing a line right down the middle of the family.

PrettyLovely · 21/08/2018 12:01

Agree with Cheby and Bibidy ^^

Op you sound like a fantastic stepmum.

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 13:24

This, and most of the other comments from Sweetsongbird1 are just awful. I can only assume there is some massive projecting going on.

Glad I'm not the only one appalled by those comments and totally agree OP sounds like a great step parent.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/08/2018 14:44

I'm disgusted with the comments saying she's manipulative. She's a kid, obviously insecure and looking for reassurance.

He was tactless and hurtful saying that in front of DS but I think its disingenuous to say love them both the same.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 15:08

Well yes. But she is being told she is MORE important than everyone else

She IS. She is his daughter. OPs son is not his child.

There is something wrong somewhere if your own child is not more important to you than other peoples children.

TwistedStitch · 21/08/2018 15:14

I wonder how it would go down on the stepparenting boards if OP posted saying that her partner wanted her to tell her kid that she loved her DSC exactly the same as them. Some of the same names on this thread would be telling the OP that he is in the wrong and of course her own kids are more important to her.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 15:24

how could you ever pick between two or more children if you were in a situation that forced it?

Really really easily, if one was your child and the other was not, and I think any parent who says otherwise is a liar.
Is anyone seriously suggesting that if you could save your own kid or someone elses, you'd even think about it?

WhiteCat1704 · 21/08/2018 15:46

TwistedStitch personally I would never tell my DS I Iove him more than SD...not with her there and not without her there..I simply would not go there... I only met her when she was a teenager and know it would be hurtful..imagine if I was her resident SM from toddlerhood telling her I love her DB more than her..its cruel

Original poster

Strawberrylaceaddict · 21/08/2018 15:47

I think that in our family, me telling my son I love him more and my dp telling his daughter he loves her more doesn’t work for us. We have always brought the children up to be equals, so creating that divide now as one is on the brink of her teenage years isn’t a good idea. I was agreeing that I would pick my own child over a step child if there ever was a situation that meant we had to, and that I wouldn’t expect anything less from my partner with his own either. However for those suggesting I tell my son I love him more than my step daughter, and my partner do the opposite, I wonder if that’s something that you would do with your own stepchildren/children. Does that then not create an environment where one, who doesn’t live here full time would feel pushed out and perhaps even not wanted? I have never told either child when the question arises that I do not love them as much as the other. I also do not know anyone else that has the same family dynamics as us who wouldnt do the same. I know that the children would be heart broken if they thought they were not equally loved by both of us, and I couldn’t ever imagine putting them through that.

It’s tough being a step parent, you can’t do right for wrong, but we do our best to create a stable loving family unit for both our children, and for them to know they are loved and wanted and equally important to both of us.

OP posts:

ionising · 21/08/2018 16:49

I’m appalled at the number of people who feel it’s obvious that he would love his own DD more. It shows why blended families very often don’t work. No-one with that mentality should ever take on step kids.

This!!

What is wrong with people!

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:52

I'm appalled that you are appalled, and would apply the "whats wrong with people" to you, not the people telling the truth of the matter.

I think that in our family, me telling my son I love him more and my dp telling his daughter he loves her more doesn’t work for us

you don't need to tell them, they both know it. And he did tell her so it doesn't look like your dp agrees with you anyway.

We have always brought the children up to be equals, so creating that divide now as one is on the brink of her teenage years isn’t a good idea

No you haven't. One lives full time with you, the other one does not. There is already a divide, you wouldn't be having this issue if there wasn't.

Ohyesiam · 21/08/2018 16:55

When this happened in my family my dh talked about love being immeasurable, and limitless. How it’s not a finite resource and that if someone gets love, it doesn’t mean there is less for anyone else.
I really respected him for it and he said it much more eloquently than I have.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/08/2018 17:02

While I agree that a good blended family will involve all parents loving all kids the same amount, it can't be denied that if the parents were to split, the father in this scenario is most likely to prioritise his DD over the OP and her son.
I do know that some stepfathers continue to see their stepchildren even if they split from their stepchildren's mother - but I don't think that is the usual scenario, is it? I think it's more usual that the stepfather would probably disappear from the stepchild's life, if not immediately, then gradually. Happy to be corrected on this!

And yes, if things were to go sour between the OP and her DH, or the OP's DS and her DH or his DD, then yes, you probably would expect the DH to side with his DD - but this isn't the case either.

As things stand, the DD should not have put her father in this position and he should not have answered her at all in front of the OP and her DS because it's just so rude, as well as hurtful. The DD probably is insecure and checking her position, but she is also contriving a situation whereby she's making sure that the OP and her son also know where her position is - that's not just insecurity, that's unkind.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 17:06

While I agree that a good blended family will involve all parents loving all kids the same amount

No, a good blended family will involve all children being treated the same by all parents. It's not about feelings but actions.
Pretending not to feel perfectly normal and expected feelings does not make for a good blended family. The children are not fooled by it!

ionising · 21/08/2018 17:23

I'm appalled that you are appalled, and would apply the "whats wrong with people" to you, not the people telling the truth of the matter.

I hope you are not a step parent or will ever have to bring up another person not blood related. Disgraceful.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 17:32

Not in the slightest. Just honest. More people should be. Try telling your step children you love them just the same as your own children, they won't beleive you, they have more sense!

ionising · 21/08/2018 17:35

But do you see a difference between a step child that you see every other weekend and one you bring up from early years as their parent. I feel for the child in this instant if that were the case.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 17:39

yes, of course. But neither is your own child. (and please don't use the truly offensive adoption comparison again)

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 17:41

Agree

ionising · 21/08/2018 17:42

yes, of course. But neither is your own child. (and please don't use the truly offensive adoption comparison again)

Erm!! Where did this happen?

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