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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by partners answer to step daughters question?

129 replies

Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 11:28

Apologies a bit long, but thought some back ground info would help. My and my dp have been together for 6 years, he has a 12 year dd and I have an 8 yr old ds. My ds is very attached to his stepdad and they have a wonderful relationship, as do I with dsd.

Dsd is very attached to her father, in that she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc. I think this is because my ds is at home with him everyday, and dsd is here at weekends. That’s fine, we all appreciate she needs that time with her dad and they often spend time doing stuff just as father and daughter.

Last night however, we went out to dinner and the kids started playing ‘would you rather’ at which point dsd asks dp, would you rather me or xxx (my ds) I piped up there and said I don’t like this game lets play something else but dp went in to answer with , ‘of course you, your my daughter and the most important’ dsd then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’. AIBU to think that this conversation wasn’t fair in front of my son, and to be annoyed? Or am I reading too much into it and should just ignore it? Of course I understand she is after all his daughter, but I feel that in front of my son he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’? It does appear to have gone over my sons head as he would of spoken to me about it by now, so It’s just me that’s upset by this.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2018 12:53

YANBU to be annoyed by this at all.
Your DSD shouldn't have asked those questions, but she's seeking reassurance that she's still important to her Dad, at least AS important if not MORE so than your DS.
Your DP shouldn't have answered the question so cavalierly, but it's obviously the case that his DD would be more important to him, which must be galling for your DS (if he'd caught the drift).

Your DP should have shut down the line of questioning and refused to answer - but if he had done that, then his DD might have still felt frustrated and unsure of his love for her, if that's where it came from.
But she might have been being manipulative and trying to show both you and your son that you are lower down the pecking order than she is in her dad's life - and if that IS the case, then she needs a bit of a talking to.

And yet it could be a combination of the two - but whatever the reason for the questions, your DP was wrong to have answered them as he did.

poopsqueak · 20/08/2018 12:54

Shes playing games and I would absolutely pull him up on that.

He needs to be neutral. "I dont want to play this game, its making me feel uncomfortable" etc.

Also the hand holding/sitting next to him is a power trip. He also needs to be aware of that.

daffodillament · 20/08/2018 13:02

The 12 year old needs firmer management ! How bloody awful. DS must have heard it if he was there playing along too ! Disgraceful behaviour from father and 12 yr old. I hope he apologises to you both.

Guienne · 20/08/2018 13:05

then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’

What did he say in response to this?

Ignoramusgiganticus · 20/08/2018 13:13

I jokingly tell my ds that Dd is my favourite child and i tell DD that ds is my favourite child so they know they won't get anywhere with silly questions like that. Obviously my kids feel secure anyway so I can get away with that, but in your situation a shut down of the question should have happened and then in private he could reassure her.
Please ask him to reassure Ds in private now - although don't make it a direct reference to that game.

Original poster
Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 13:25

Thanks all for your really helpful responses, apologies for not responding earlier I’ve been swimming with my son. I will definitely be bringing this up with my partner, as I hadn’t really thought about her being manipulative and it will only get worse as she gets older. I do not expect my partner to not love his daughter more, as she is biologically his, but I just think that he should of responded differently. I will also speak to my son and ask him to as well as my son loves him to pieces and I hate the thought of him thinking he isn’t important to him. With regards to the second question asked, around me or dsd being more important, dp said her.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 20/08/2018 13:29

What a little Madam, this isn’t a relatively new relationship, this is a six year relationship, your son was 2, a baby when his step dad came into his life and SD was 4. If your DH has allowed your SD to rule the roost for six years then he is reaping the rewards of that!

Both children should have been treated equally from the start! There would be no rewarding temper tantrums by giving into spoiled SD. Your SD needs to be told that this kind of behaviour needs to STOP. Twelve year olds do not dictate who gets to sit next to who! They also do not get to deliberately hurt anyone to make themselves feel better. This behaviour is incredibly immature and should have been nipped in the bud years ago!

I am honestly shocked that your dh and you have not had words/ put your foot down over this before now! Your SD’s behaviour is manipulative and divisive, as well as being down right cruel. Time your DH acted like a proper Father instead of a Disney Dad who lets her get away with murder!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/08/2018 13:33

Your DP should have shut the game down when she started this line of questioning, and had a conversation later to reassure her but explain that it was rude to ask is front of your DS.

I don't think it is unusual for her to ask these questions, or necessarily evidence of insecurity or trauma. She has probably been playing the same game with her friends - girls that age can be fairly awful. I was.

eeanne · 20/08/2018 13:35

I had a school mate like this. Her dad and mum divorced and some combo of dad’s guilt and her insecurity got the best of them. You’d see her at 14/15 years old in the shopping centre holding his hand and crying for things she wanted him to buy. It was outrageous. Your DP needs to address this ASAP.

Lynne1Cat · 20/08/2018 13:41

Of course he can't and shouldn't love your son as much as his own daughter. He could have perhaps said he loves you all but in different ways.

My son had this problem with his last partner - he lived with her and her 2 boys, was a great role model for them, did far more than their dad ever did - but the partner didn't like that he (my son) loved his own 2 girls (live with their mum) so, after 3 years, she ended it. I have to say, he has missed her but his girls will always be more important than any woman, their children, me or anyone else...and that's how it should be.

NancyJoan · 20/08/2018 13:42

she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc.

Your DP needs to do something about this, you need to be able to sit next to each other without fear of a meltdown.

popocatepetals · 20/08/2018 13:51

Oh dear - she is being very manipulative, isn't she?

What is the relationship like between your dp and his ex (your sdd's mother)? I'm wondering whether she has got a new partner herself and the sdd is feeling a bit pushed out.

Spreadingcudweed · 20/08/2018 13:55

Gosh, I am genuinely surprised at all the posters calling this girl manipulative, a nightmare, accusing her of playing games etc etc. Her question was unkind when put in front of the dp's son, but she obviously feels deeply insecure. I bow to everyone's greater expertise about step-parenting but does no one think it would be a good idea to explore why she is behaving this way and why she is so uncertain about her place in the family?

Of course the question should have been headed off at the pass, and your dp should have spoken to her privately later on (as Dragonator said) but there must be some sort of back story here?

Her continuing need to be physically sitting next to your dp at the age of 12, indicates some sort of desperation surely?

Her father left the family home she was 4 yrs old; what has happened since?

Not saying this is the case here at all but, observing the situations of a few friends, I think step children are sometimes presented with new situations/ living arrangements over which they have no control and are told to accept it and their feelings are not allowed to be aired. From her pov, it must be hard to be separated from a much loved parent and and effectively be "replaced" by a new baby four years later (as she may see it) who gets to live with her parent permanently, while she does not!

If I was the op, I would be arranging some family counselling with a licensed psychologist. This girl needs help not punishment.

GiraffeObsessedBaby · 20/08/2018 13:57

As the child of a blended family I have to say it's really hurtful people saying a step parent "can't and shouldn't" love their step children as much. My stepdad would be furious at anyone saying that to him about his biological or step children.

I think there are some very serious issues with your dsd behaviour that needs to be addressed long term. Also your dp was being extremely insensitive in the situation and should have been far more tactful. You've got some hard work ahead of you. Good luck!

Jux · 20/08/2018 14:02

He needs to have a chat with her about how she has hurt the people she loves - you and ds - even if they don't show it or admit it. That he expects better behaviour from her as he knows she's got a grown up young lady in there, who knows how to behave. One of those quiet, intimate chats truly loving parents have with their child.

MeyMary · 20/08/2018 14:06

As the child of a blended family I have to say it's really hurtful people saying a step parent "can't and shouldn't" love their step children as much. My stepdad would be furious at anyone saying that to him about his biological or step children.

I agree. My late DGF is my DF's stepfather. He couldn't legally adopt him when he was little (bio dad had parental rights) but he was for all intents and purposes his "real" father. There was also no distinction between his biological grandchildren and my siblings and me...
He didn't have a "limited amount of love", I suppose. This was also clearly reflected in his will.

A stepparent is someone that still parents. They're not just a person that fell in love with the parent and also sort of likes / accepts their child... at least imo.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 20/08/2018 14:07

Wow. I can’t believe the responses here saying of course he loves a biological child more. How ignorant and offensive to adopted kids, especially those with non-adopted siblings. Love just does not work that way and neither does family.

I don’t know the details of how much he parents or how involved your son’s biological dad is. But if your DP has brought your son up from a young age it would be perfectly reasonable for him to love him equally.

And his answer was terrible whatever his feelings on the matter. How mean and hurtful for you and your son.

Talith · 20/08/2018 14:16

It can take years for insecurities to manifest - she may have been very small when her parents separated and gone along with things as kids often do, but only now is she able to think about things in a more sophisticated (and independent) way and to process things e.g. that people can fall out of love etc.

If it continues maybe think about some counselling to help her unpick her feelings. It takes time to develop mature reactions to things and we have to learn how to do it, a good counsellor can equip her with the skills to manage her feelings in a way that you as parents might not be able to, objectively, being tied up in the dynamic.

Pengggwn · 20/08/2018 14:18

His feelings are neither here nor there. It was awful for him to share his feelings in front of a child who loves him.

I would be having words. If this kept happening I would be off.

AjasLipstick · 20/08/2018 14:23

He shouldn't have said it. An 8 year old boy isn't equipped to know that he may have deeper feelings for her.

He's a cockend.

He should have answered diplomatically and if he REALLY needed to, he could have spoken to his DD privately and told her why she should not have asked the question and reassured her of his special affection for her.

YearOfYouRemember · 20/08/2018 14:25

This feels nasty because the daughter appears to be asking to assert herself rather than the step son asked to feel more secure. If the daughter was insecure then that would make it less unkind.

KickAssAngel · 20/08/2018 14:32

When Dd liked playing that game (she was quite a bit younger, btw) we had a firm rule that the objects of the game had to be unable to know/hear/understand what was being said. So we could pick a favourite cat, but not choose between people. I think it's a good rule.

You do need to talk to your DP. Not just about the one incident, but she is clearly trying to play you off each other. I'd also think she's getting too old to insist on being the only one to sit next to her dad etc. You've been together for half her lifetime. If she still feels unloved within your family group, sitting next to her Dad isn't going to fix that. She needs to have her confidence as part of your family built up, without it being a competition. Parents can love more than one child, and she doesn't need to come 'first' to be part of the family.

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 14:37

She clearly is very very insecure about her dads relationship with your son. And you should back of when she is visiting. If she wants to sit next to him let her. And if your eye rolling or huffing she will have noticed. You and ds see him every day let her have a tiny share.

She wanted a very public gesture of his love/loyalty for her - she got one. I don’t blame him for confirming it either.

Should she have said it - no. And your dh needs to warn her that they don’t play that game again.
Was it uncomfortable for you and your ds - yes. This shit happens in blended families.

He told the truth when put on an awkward spot. You can’t blame him for that.

littlechocolatechippies · 20/08/2018 14:37

I agree with @Spreadingcudweed. What are the family dynamics OP? How often does your partner see his daughter? Did he see her regularly after he split from her mother?

Is he very involved in her life? I don't think it's fair to call a 12 years old manipulative and a little madam and saying she should have been stopped years ago (and when? When she was 4?), without showing any empathy.

MeyMary · 20/08/2018 14:37

It can take years for insecurities to manifest - she may have been very small when her parents separated and gone along with things as kids often do, but only now is she able to think about things in a more sophisticated (and independent) way and to process things e.g. that people can fall out of love etc.

I agree. But "small incidents" like this may sow the seeds of incredible insecurities in her DSB. Something that needs to be considered as well.

He has lived and apparently had a good relationship with this man since he was 2... He may seem pretty unaffected righr now but as you said, it could take years for things like that to rear their ugly heads... Especially if they are allowed to continue.