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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by partners answer to step daughters question?

129 replies

Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 11:28

Apologies a bit long, but thought some back ground info would help. My and my dp have been together for 6 years, he has a 12 year dd and I have an 8 yr old ds. My ds is very attached to his stepdad and they have a wonderful relationship, as do I with dsd.

Dsd is very attached to her father, in that she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc. I think this is because my ds is at home with him everyday, and dsd is here at weekends. That’s fine, we all appreciate she needs that time with her dad and they often spend time doing stuff just as father and daughter.

Last night however, we went out to dinner and the kids started playing ‘would you rather’ at which point dsd asks dp, would you rather me or xxx (my ds) I piped up there and said I don’t like this game lets play something else but dp went in to answer with , ‘of course you, your my daughter and the most important’ dsd then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’. AIBU to think that this conversation wasn’t fair in front of my son, and to be annoyed? Or am I reading too much into it and should just ignore it? Of course I understand she is after all his daughter, but I feel that in front of my son he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’? It does appear to have gone over my sons head as he would of spoken to me about it by now, so It’s just me that’s upset by this.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/08/2018 16:25

She sounds massively insecure and i think your dp should have reassured her privately.
Fwiw all my kids try and get me to reassure them that they are the favourite, often in front of each other. I dont play along but i do tell them that together they are my favourite people in the world, bar none.

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2018 16:32

She’s obviously very insecure, but the way he dealt with it was just plain wrong. Her insecurity doesn’t justify the fuckwitted repsonse.

One of my best friends grew up with a stepfather from a similar age and she would have been devastated if her SD, who was much more of a father to her than her own dad, had said any such thing.

I’m appalled at the number of people who feel it’s obvious that he would love his own DD more. It shows why blended families very often don’t work. No-one with that mentality should ever take on step kids.

DP cannot throw your son under the bus to placate his DD, it’s not your son’s fault that his marriage fell apart.

He needs much better strategies to deal with her insecurities.

Original poster
Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 18:05

Thanks everyone, I have now spoken to dp who completely agrees that he should have just shut it down or responded with I love you both equally (or similar) and that, as an adult he should have dealt with it differently. I don’t believe dsd is being manipulative, but as many of you have said, is likely feeling quite insecure, and struggling to deal with not being here all the time like my son is. Dp is going to talk to her about it and try and understand how she is feeling to see how we can help reassure her she is loved, but to also understand that both of them are loved equally and just as important to the both of us. He is also going to speak to my son to reassure him that he loves him as his own. Dp does agree that we need to make sure that dad understands that it was not nice to do that, and to make her understand that they both are loved just as equally by both of us, as we both agree that we don’t now want this coming up in conversation between the children in the future. We do let dsd sit next to her father when she visits, and he frequently spends time as just the two of them, as do I with her, there are some things that an 8 year old boy just doesn’t want to do and me and dsd love a shopping trip!

For context I have been in dsd life since she was 6, on the whole her and (we call them brother and sister) her brother have a close relationship. My dp has been in my sons life since he was 2, and whilst his father does see him sometimes, my partner has essentially brought him up and treated him and loved him as his own. I think this is where dsd may be struggling, sharing her dad and not living here must be really tough for her and I think we both need to try and understand how we can make that better. Dsd comes every weekend, and I take her to an after school club once a week with my son too. Her mum and dad broke up when she was very young, and her mum has now been married for almost 10 years, so nothing has changed from a stability or routine point of view either for quite a while. The last change was when we brought our house 2 years ago, which she was fully involved with, picked her bedroom, including how she wanted it to be decorated.

OP posts:
Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 18:12

So OP can you hand on heart, genuinely say YOU love your dd just as much as your ds?? That if push came to shove over something massive you wouldn’t choose him??

Because if you don’t your a massive hypocrite and making your dp lie to his dd to ease your sons and your discomfort at your partners truth

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 18:13

**DSD

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 18:16

Oh and well done for convincing your dp to tell his young daughter that she isn’t special just equal to your son.

Scabetty · 20/08/2018 18:17

You sound like a lovely family. Perhaps it was an innocent question which reflects how secure she is and how she sees ds as her brother. My ds is always asking if he’s the favourite in front of dd and vice versa. My siblings told me I was adopted Sad when U look more like my mum than any of them Confused

Scabetty · 20/08/2018 18:17
  • I not U
Original poster
Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 18:33

as far as we are concerned, we have a son and daughter. We love them the same and I would not tell my son any different. If push came to shove then yes of course I would pick him over my dsd, and I would expect nothing less from my partner either, but I don’t see why that makes me a hypocrite? IHowever I will not sit there and tell my son that out of the both of them he is much more important and more loved either. Both children are equally important, as I think it should be. Yes dsd needs to know that her father loves her unconditionally, but I think my son should know that he too is loved by the man he considers to be his dad. I haven’t convinced him to tell her anything, we do need to address if and why she might be feeling insecure and to ensure she knows that my son is no more important than she is. I did not grow up in a blended family, but my sister and I would always compete over who was the favourite. Personally, to then tell the children yes you are, doesn’t sit well with me. I do not ever want either child to ever feel as though they are not an important part of our family.

OP posts:
FlipnTwist · 20/08/2018 18:46

It must be very hard for your dd to see some your DPplaying daddy to some other kid every day when she only sees him weekends.Can you not see that?? Presumably your DS has a bio dad of his own somewhere.I think at 8 years old he is old enough toknow that the connection he has with your DPis different ad not equal to the one he has with his daughter.
He should have closed the question down with a general ' its not kind to ask those kinds of question ' .

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 18:47

Your partner was right to prioritise his daughter. She was there before you and will be there after you if you ever split.

Your son has fortune to raised by her dad while she has to do with seeing him at weekend and you complain that she wants to sit with him ffs? Hmm

But like you said you’d pick your dd over her. So why can’t he? Loving your bio child more than any step kids is such a primal and natural instinct your your trying to stamp that out.

Maybe your DSD sees your jealousy and that’s why she is insecure.

A young girl needs to know she is priority when she is growing up, your sons needs doesn’t trump hers

FlipnTwist · 20/08/2018 18:48

We love them the same and I would not tell my son any different. If push came to shove then yes of course I would pick him over my dsd
So then you DO NOT love them the same!!

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 18:54

Your partner loves his bio child over his step child. It’s perfectly natural. So why has he got to lie about it to protect your son yet damage his daughter? Confused

Original poster
Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 19:06

i Haven’t complained about her sitting next to him, I mentioned it for back ground information as it shows that she is very attached to him in that sense. I do love them the same, how could you ever pick between two or more children if you were in a situation that forced it? I haven’t at any point said that he can’t and shouldn’t prioritise his dd over anything, nor would I expect any different. I wasn’t asking if he should or shouldn’t prioritise his dd over my son, I already know the answer to this. I was however asking if IABU to be upset/annoyed at his response in front of his dss, to which my dp agrees was not very considerate. Thank you for everyone’s responses, it’s made me realise that it is something that needs to be addressed and to see if there are deeper problems there. We will work together to try and find the root cause and to understand if dsd is feeling anxious or insecure, and if she is, to help her as best as we possibly can to feel better.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 20/08/2018 19:07

Sweetsongbird1

Because in front of his DSS, it is cruel and inappropriate.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/08/2018 19:07

Sweetsongbird1
Whats your problem? You come accross as very angry and aggressive..I'm guessing you didn't get along with your step mum/dad abandoned you and you are projecting your issues on OP

OP you sound great...

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 19:31

peng so dd gets thrown under the bus?

white hardly Grin but when I read of OP irritation of his daughter wanting to sit by her dad on her visits i felt sorry for his daughter. Why would any adult be irritated by this?? I really believe that op was just pissed off that he had the gall to be honest with his child. I applaud him for that.

The op has stated her son wasn’t arsed. It’s the OPs issue of jealousy. Maybe she needs to take a leaf out of her sons book.

Pengggwn · 20/08/2018 19:34

Sweetsongbird1

"Thrown under the bus"? Bloody hell. I would be devastated if my 12 year old's self-esteem was so fragile that she had to reassure herself of her supremacy over a little boy. I would take her aside, tell her in no uncertain terms that I love her more than my life and would take bullets for her, but how much I love other people - especially children - isn't a topic for the dinner table.

flamingofridays · 20/08/2018 19:34

Answering with one of the many responses given on here would not be throwing dd under the bus though would it Hmm

Dieu · 20/08/2018 19:35

He shouldn't have said it in front of your son, but if he had given the reply you wanted, it would have been a lie. He is always going to love his own daughter more, and that is how it should be. Sorry OP Flowers

Instead he ought to have said to her 'let's talk about this later' and bring that particular game to a close!

His daughter sounds desperately insecure and immature. This needs some work, or it will only get worse.

flamingofridays · 20/08/2018 19:35

And sweet never ever become a step parent it wont suit you.

CripsSandwiches · 20/08/2018 19:38

Because if you don’t your a massive hypocrite and making your dp lie to his dd to ease your sons and your discomfort at your partners truth

Bloody hell were talking about children here! Even if you did love one more than another you don't tell them that in a restaurant to placate the DSD's insecurities. Massively inappropriate!

OP glad you discussed with your DP. Sounds like his heart is the right place and it was just a mistake in the moment.

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 19:43

Her son wasn’t bothered. At eight he knows there is a diffence in how he loves his daughter and how he loves his stepson.

His step son is confident in that knowledge
His daughter how ever is very insecure and tbh I wonder how much of that is to do with op. Still can’t passed op gets irritated if his dd wants to sit beside her dad on her visits tbh.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 20/08/2018 19:49

Why does he have to love her more? Do parents with both natural and adoptive children love the natural child more?!

This seems a very narrow perspective of love.

Pengggwn · 20/08/2018 19:49

Sweetsongbird1

Crap. A two year old who doesn't remember any other father?

You're a disgrace with these comments.

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