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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by partners answer to step daughters question?

129 replies

Strawberrylaceaddict · 20/08/2018 11:28

Apologies a bit long, but thought some back ground info would help. My and my dp have been together for 6 years, he has a 12 year dd and I have an 8 yr old ds. My ds is very attached to his stepdad and they have a wonderful relationship, as do I with dsd.

Dsd is very attached to her father, in that she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc. I think this is because my ds is at home with him everyday, and dsd is here at weekends. That’s fine, we all appreciate she needs that time with her dad and they often spend time doing stuff just as father and daughter.

Last night however, we went out to dinner and the kids started playing ‘would you rather’ at which point dsd asks dp, would you rather me or xxx (my ds) I piped up there and said I don’t like this game lets play something else but dp went in to answer with , ‘of course you, your my daughter and the most important’ dsd then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’. AIBU to think that this conversation wasn’t fair in front of my son, and to be annoyed? Or am I reading too much into it and should just ignore it? Of course I understand she is after all his daughter, but I feel that in front of my son he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’? It does appear to have gone over my sons head as he would of spoken to me about it by now, so It’s just me that’s upset by this.

OP posts:
Figlessfig · 20/08/2018 14:44

Totally out of order. This conversation should have been shut down immediately by your DP.

We have a blended family. From the start, we set out to treat them all exactly equally. Of course we had stronger feelings for our “own” children at the start.

But if you treat everyone the same, you eventually find you’re feeling the same about them all.

All of ours are now grown up. There is no talk about step- or half-siblings. They are brothers and sisters, they are our children, and we love them with all our hearts.

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 14:47

Parents can love more than one child, and she doesn't need to come 'first' to be part of the family

No but they can let her sit next to her bloody dad when she visits ffs 🙄

Guienne · 20/08/2018 14:58

With regards to the second question asked, around me or dsd being more important, dp said her

Have you asked why he didn't say that it was equal?

missyB1 · 20/08/2018 15:01

No excuse for his behavior he's an adult and should know better, have some very serious words with him Op, he cannot be allowed to hurt your little boy like that.
As for the step daughter she does sound very insecure, maybe that needs addressing (perhaps even professionally), but she also needs to know that deliberately trying to cause trouble in the family won't be tolerated.
Sounds like you and your Dp need to come up with some strategies for these situations.

OctaviaOctober · 20/08/2018 15:06

Out of order. I grew up with a stepfather and though I'm sure he does secretly prefer his biological child, he never showed it and certainly never came out and said it in front of me! And he's not even a particularly kind person. To this day he treats us both equally.

Your DS deserves no less.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/08/2018 15:12

YANBU

How are you going to protect your son from his "step father"? It's totally unacceptable..

Additionally your partner is being unkind to you too...I would be tempted to send him to his daughter next time he wants something from you...you know..as she is the first person, most loved in his life..Come to think of it there is no way I would want to be in a relationship where my partner puts a 12 year old above everyone else in the family..

Spreadingcudweed · 20/08/2018 15:19

She's not just some random 12 year old though is she? As his daughter she should be treated as equally important as everyone else.

And even though rationally she doesn't "need" to come first to be part of the family; she obviously doesn't feel secure enough at the moment, for whatever reason, to understand that. You can explain to her how she might look at the situation a different way, but ultimately, she feels how she feels.

Spreadingcudweed · 20/08/2018 15:21

Meant to add, and it is how she feels that needs addressing.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 20/08/2018 15:22

I absolutely loved this post:
He should have refused to answer, but looked at her in the eyes and tell her she is very important to him, and that nobody can take the place of his precious daughter. Only she has that.
But there are also other very special people in his life too, and nobody can take their place either. That's how it works in real life.
Then end with "isn't it good that us humans can have so much extra love to give?"
Then draw her in for a hug.
But definitely never answer a question like that. Your poor son!

When DSis and I used to ask this question back when we were kids, my DDad used to say "It's neither of you. My favourite is a combination of both of you and different things about both of you at different times". I thought that was a clever answer, and also probably true.

Somtamthai · 20/08/2018 15:23

I’m from a blended family.

My stepdad defiantly loved my sister more than me. He never treated me badly, nor did he have much to do with me really. I wouldn’t have cared if he said my sister was his favourite.

I was closer to my stepmum. She treated me and my brother exactly the same. There was literally no difference. If she loves him more then I can’t tell.

I’d ask things like this, not to manipulate, but to have my place in the family validated. I was a bit younger, I just wanted to live there rather than with my mum and felt very insecure.

My stepmum always said I was her favourite girl and my brother was her favourite boy in her world. This made me happy, not because I was favourite, but because I was important.

I know it’s slightly different situation Maybe your DSD is manipulative, but there may be more to it. Your DP definitely needs to find a better way of answering, I’m my stepmom said this to my brother, I’d be utterly heartbroken :(.

serbska · 20/08/2018 15:23

Well it must be pretty hard to see your dad playing happy families with another child, and of course he probably doesn't love his step son like he loves his daughter. However totally bad way to handle it!

I like the way @DifficultDIY would have handled the Q.

ginnybag · 20/08/2018 15:25

I think it completely normal for a father to put child before partner, if it came down to it, and I don't think it odd for the DD to want to know she's more loved than OP.

I'd expect my husband to say that about my DD, and not bat an eye.

But picking between two children is mean, and should have been shut down immediately.

What's your relationship with her like, OP? I wonder if the 'next to Dad' isn't about Dad, but about you. I distinctly recall feeling uncertain of my step mother, especially around that age, and would gravitate to the 'trusted' adult if given a choice, albeit never to that extent.

I would perhaps start subtly reinforcing you and DP sitting together and then kids on the other side at the table, but only if you want to. It's a little thing, and not a big ask. Pick your battles and all that.

serbska · 20/08/2018 15:25

Additionally your partner is being unkind to you too...I would be tempted to send him to his daughter next time he wants something from you...you know..as she is the first person, most loved in his life..Come to think of it there is no way I would want to be in a relationship where my partner puts a 12 year old above everyone else in the family.

Parents SHOULD put their children ahead of partners I would say actually!

Really blended families are on the whole, shit for the children.

WhiteCat1704 · 20/08/2018 15:25

She's not just some random 12 year old though is she? As his daughter she should be treated as equally important as everyone else.

Well yes. But she is being told she is MORE important than everyone else.

How would the girl and her father feel if it was OPs son who asked and she said what the father said...it's just unacceptable..

AnnieAnoniMoose · 20/08/2018 15:30

Your ‘D’P needs a kick up the arse.

He is not doing ANY of you any good acting like this, not even his daughter.

Jesus, the teen years are going to be a living hell if he carries on like this - she’s not going to have any respect for any of you. ...and given he’s been in your sons life, practically all of his life, his answer was particularly hurtful to your DS. He’s a fucking idiot.

MeyMary · 20/08/2018 15:30

would be tempted to send him to his daughter next time he wants something from you...you know..as she is the first person, most loved in his life..Come to think of it there is no way I would want to be in a relationship where my partner puts a 12 year old above everyone else in the family.

I fundamentally disagree. Isn't it normal for parents to prioritise their children?

I still believe that he should have shut the question down. But I feel like the part about the OP's son is much more of an issue. This man isn't the OP's father figure / a father figure. And an adult should be confident enough to not feel the need to compete with a child... (I'm not saying the OP isn't, btw!)

SpotsAndZigZags · 20/08/2018 15:30

If she lived with you all the time he should have said all equal and left it at that, but as shes not part of the family 5/7 of the time shes understandably looking for reassurance that she doesn't mean less to him than your son who's there all the time.
Really he should have said all equal and then explained to her privately after that shes his daughter and that's a special bond but that he loves you and DSS too.
I can see why his first response on the spot was to reassure her though.

If I had step children I would hate for my DC to feel less important so he's in a tricky situation having a resident step child while his own child is part of the family for less time.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 20/08/2018 15:33

I was almost an adult when my Dad and Step-Mum started long term fostering.

I was so surprised by how envious and insecure I felt. These children were getting what I hadn't had for years, every day with my Dad. I was always a visitor (due to distance) whereas my Dads house was their house, their home in a way it was never mine.

They also had something I would never have, they were part of an every day family with my Dad and Step-Mum, spending every day together, having in jokes and stories to tell that I was just never involved in.

And that was me as an almost adult!

SD sounds insecure and envious. Which is perfectly natural and needs dealing with sensitively.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/08/2018 15:42

I don't think it is divisive or manipulative of her, he sounds like she wants reassurance from her dad.

It is easy however to say something like 'love doesn't work like that, it isn't one or the other. I love everyone at this table, but of course you will always be my very special first (and only if that is the case) daughter who I love with all my heart.

Then maybe later, in private you DH could have talked to his DD and tell her that of course she is his first and biological child so she holds a particularly special place in his heart but that he also loves you and your DS and it would have been cruel and hurtful to say that he loves her more than your DS in front of him. At 12 years old she is old enough to understand this.

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 15:48

But she is being told she is MORE important than everyone else

And so she should. She didn’t ask to be born or her parents to separate or he dad to move on with another woman and acquire a new live in kid.

I 100% would put money on it OP makes her irritation known at the daughter for wanting to sit with her dad on her visits and tbh I can’t see what the bloody problem is with it Hmm

Sweetsongbird1 · 20/08/2018 15:51

Additionally your partner is being unkind to you too...I would be tempted to send him to his daughter next time he wants something from you...you know..as she is the first person, most loved in his life..Come to think of it there is no way I would want to be in a relationship where my partner puts a 12 year old above everyone else in the family

Spiteful and nasty and I hope to god no one ever has the misfortune of being in a blended family with you

Bibidy · 20/08/2018 15:56

I think it was mean and thoughtless to say that in front of your son. He shouldn't have allowed her to play that game..

I have stepchildren and I would never let them hear me say something like that, clearly it's hurtful to them.

Alpacanorange · 20/08/2018 16:02

He should not have played along with her insecure need for confirmation that he loves her more, which of course he does because she is his daughter and your ds has not been part of his life for that long.

littlechocolatechippies · 20/08/2018 16:15

Where's OP gone?

PuddinginPerth · 20/08/2018 16:21

It was poor form. Your step daughter is manipulative. You are in a tough position. She is going to be this way for the next five years and cause you nothing but grief. Good luck. You will need it.