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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ‘cheating’ as being a mum?

103 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 18/08/2018 20:47

I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old. Their favourite game when in open spaces (parks, shopping centres etc) is ‘divide and conquer’. As such, there are a couple of places/groups that I feel comfortable on my own with the two of them. I work 3 days a week. If one of those groups is not on I tend it enlist a (willing) grandparent to come to the park or event with us.
According to my dh this is cheating and most mums could deal with this on their own. So am I ‘cheating’ or could most people deal with 2 of this age on their own? Feeling a bit deflated after (what I thought was) a successful week x

OP posts:
Somanymistakes · 18/08/2018 22:20

Unless you have a bolter, you cannot imagine how difficult it is to manage.
People say "oh mine used to do that..but they never go out of sight do they, the little monkeys!"

A bolter does not give a shit if you are in sight or not. They will go and go and go. My first was on reins until 4. My second, never needed them.

DH got really shitty that I wouldn't join his friends and their kids on a picnic in a huge park. Ds was 18 months. I said no and it all got a bit "you are over anxious, my friends say it's fine and you should do it"

So we went. After about an hour, during which I sat there and told DH he was on child duty as it was so easy, he asked if we could go home. Ds had never sat down. He ran off. Was collected. Distracted. Ran off. Collected. Ran off. Collected. New distraction attempted. Ran off. Collected. Put in buggy and screamed blue murder. Ran off. Etc etc etc.

Then he fucking believed me.

Some kids are very hard work and will run. Others won't. I have a huge age gap because ds1 was so challenging. There is no way I could have safely looked after a second.

Your DH sounds like a tool tbh.

LockedOutOfMN · 18/08/2018 22:22

I haven't read the full thread, just the OP. LoopyLou1981 your DH sounds like he's a being a dick (about this). Even if he can "cope" with both kids all day, in parks, shops, etc. by himself, day in day out, it doesn't mean that it's wrong or any kind of failure if you can't do that.

For you, personally, take heart from the fact that they do grow out of this. The DC I mean.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/08/2018 22:23

Oh yah @somanymistakes

My favourite is when she runs off leaving me for dust then just continuing off the pavement into the road - is it any wonder we are so anxious?

ToastyFingers · 18/08/2018 22:24

Cheating is a bizzare word to use and it's shit that your DH is so critical of you when you're doing your best BUT plenty of women don't have someone around to help and just have to get on with things. I have a 2 year age gap between mine (currently 4 and 2) so I know where you're coming from, but you'll never learn to manage if you don't try.

If your mum etc weren't available for a week or two what would you do?

Chattycat78 · 18/08/2018 22:26

Yep. Just the same. Mine are 3.5 and 2 (16.5 month gap) and what I wouldnt give for some help when I’m alone with them both so I don’t have to go out and watch one go in one direction and one go in the other direction....!!! It’s so difficult!

thebewilderness · 18/08/2018 22:30

The question is why does your not so dear husband think you should have to?
Not suffering enough stress to suit him?

cmlover · 18/08/2018 22:31

personally I think it's werid not being able to take them out on your own and would find it amusing if my partner had to enlist help.

RingInTheNew · 18/08/2018 22:31

'Cheating' - as if it's some kind of challenge that you're trying to get a medal for? I'd say you're looking after your children even better if you're enlisting some help from someone else...

Rosemary46 · 18/08/2018 22:31

Cheating is sitting them in front of the television all day, every day and feeding them only wotsits

Have you been spying on me ?

shoelaces · 18/08/2018 22:36

My DH is a twin. He has an older sister. 10 months older. MIL had 3 under 1yr to deal with. They would divide and conquer, or kick the crap out of each other.

The thing I admire most about MIL - she doesn't drink!

Sorry no solution - but the will grow up and it'll get even harder, but then it will be easier. Hang in there, you are not cheating and your DH is a prick.

IHATEPeppaPig · 18/08/2018 22:40

@cmlover would you like to take my two out for the day? If you're not knackered, I'll give you my entire years salary!!!

JynxaSmoochum · 18/08/2018 22:45

I took my then 18m old and 3 yr old to the park where there is a great, popular playgound. They immediately sprinted off to opposite ends of it leaving me with a "Shit! WTF!" monent. The monkey like 18m old was my priority, but the usually sensible 3 yr old was still far too young to be out of sight and earshot in a public place with multiple exit points.

I've only recently begun going there again solo at 7 & 5 now they can process a rule where I stand near the centre and they report back to me each time they change equipment.

DH thought looking after DS1 was simple... the first time I came back after a weekend away from 2 DCs, the house was chaos with 2 DCs swarming on him as he lay on the floor.

A friend laughed that when DH was in charge of the DCs, he'd seek out family or friends for the day... when he had his own family, guess what he did...

Some places just aren't suitable for safely monitoring two very young children. 1-3 is a very difficult age group, all speed and agility and no sense of self preservation. Avoiding places where it is difficult to supervise appropriately is not cheating, it's common sense.

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 18/08/2018 22:50

cmlover that’s brilliant. What tips do you have? Us failing mother’s would always welcome ways to improve on our failing ways x

OP posts:
HouseOfSix · 18/08/2018 22:58

I feel a bit like a failure as a mum, I am happy taking the two of them out (2.5 and newborn) anywhere really but I do have a mother's help who comes 9 hours a week and cleaners once a week. I still find everything stressful, house is untidy, few too many ready meals etc. Makes me think if I can't manage even when 'cheating' that I must be a bit rubbish as a mum! That said, if my husband ever suggested that, or said something unsupportive I would be extremely upset.

daughterofanarchy · 18/08/2018 23:01

I have to admit I can’t cope taking both mine out together (aged 4 years, and youngest 6 months ) I struggle with depression and it takes very little for me to crumble.
Dd1 is very very demanding and the baby is at he age where she just wants to scream.
my DH tells me that I should
Take them to places by myself but I cannot manage, my mental health is very poor and I end up snapping at the eldest because she doesn’t listen to me.
I prefer a grandparent to accompany us on outings. I know that it’s really terrible of me to rely so much on others to help but to put it into context, some days my depression is such that I can’t even get dressed.

IHATEPeppaPig · 18/08/2018 23:02

@HouseOfSix you're not failing - DC2 was raised on wotsits after I'd been an advocate of an organic, sugar free diet for DC1. You do the best you can.

LockedOutOfMN · 18/08/2018 23:05

HouseOfSix Please try to stop feeling that way. Your helper is a FAMILY help and supports your FAMILY in all of the chores that are created by family life. It's not any "failure" on YOUR part that you - and your DH - don't have time to do all of those chores yourself.

Think into the future - if you have a DD and she chooses to hire someone to help her family, would you consider her a failure?

Doing all your own housework doesn't make you a good parent or a good person. You're doing great.

Original poster
LoopyLou1981 · 18/08/2018 23:08

Well I think it’s safe to say that most of us are in the same boat and the ones with slightly older children are a huge encouragement! I just need one of them to be aware enough to not try and end up in hospital the second he’s out of the buggy and I think I’m on to a winner!
That relaxing cup of coffee while I watch them play lovingly in the park/soft play is within reach! 😂

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 18/08/2018 23:18

Cheating? Ha, Clever and safe

Candyflip · 18/08/2018 23:22

I could take mine anywhere except out to eat on my own. I felt so overwhelmed by that, weirdly my DH took them out for dinner on his own all the time. They are a year apart and complete nutters, it gets easier.

Brokenfurnitureandroses · 18/08/2018 23:24

Whatever works for you - don’t mind him. How many places does he take them on his own?

puzzledlady · 18/08/2018 23:24

Your husband Is an arse. I have two 4 and 23 month old. It’s insane how quick they bolt - in different directions .

tldr · 19/08/2018 00:00

I used to even have a nightmare at preschool groups because eldest would always need a pee (and toilets in church halls/community centres are always miles away) so I’d have to decide between trying to leg it with her before toddler noticed, or making a 15 minute expedition for all three of us out of it.

Your H is BU.

tldr · 19/08/2018 00:02

I meant left would need to pee three times a session. So three times 15 minutes expeditions = not much music/dance/whatever we were doing.

HouseOfSix · 19/08/2018 07:56

Aw thanks for the support you lovely lot Smile

There are very few jobs where people are working alone (and childrearing is a job, after all I pay someone to help with it!) In his paid job does he have anyone to help him? Does he have a secretary, someone on reception, someone else cleaning the office, someone doing research, someone taking papers to where they need to be, someone doing the filing, someone checking his work? Mothers are unique in that they are expected to do everything alone.

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