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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I ‘cheating’ as being a mum?

103 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 18/08/2018 20:47

I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old. Their favourite game when in open spaces (parks, shopping centres etc) is ‘divide and conquer’. As such, there are a couple of places/groups that I feel comfortable on my own with the two of them. I work 3 days a week. If one of those groups is not on I tend it enlist a (willing) grandparent to come to the park or event with us.
According to my dh this is cheating and most mums could deal with this on their own. So am I ‘cheating’ or could most people deal with 2 of this age on their own? Feeling a bit deflated after (what I thought was) a successful week x

OP posts:
golddustwomen · 18/08/2018 21:08

This is something my OH would say. Ours are 4 and 1. I bloody guarantee both your oh and mine wouldn't last a day with both kids all day whilst out and about!
Sod him. It's an extra pair of hands but also another adult to chat too, and god knows we need that some days!!

Rebecca36 · 18/08/2018 21:10

You're not cheating, what you do is perfectly normal.

RoadrunnerMeepMeep · 18/08/2018 21:12

It’s not cheating. I’ve had to do things on my own with my 2 (16 months apart) because there is no one to come with me. If there were, I’d be dragging them everywhere with me to help. Luckily for me my oldest is fairly compliant and usually runs after me when I’m running after 2 year old bolter. Don’t let him make you feel bad, you have had a good week however you’ve accomplished it.

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 21:12

Oh FFS, your DH can do one!

Being a mum is hard work (though enjoyable and lots of fun sometimes,) so if you CAN get a break and a reprieve now and again, then go for it!!! Smile

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 18/08/2018 21:14

Cheating is sitting them in front of the television all day, every day and feeding them only wotsits.
As they get older, it gets easier to take them out. At the stage you're at, all you need to do is aim to leave the house and return with the same number of children and no trips to A&E! Also, letting the children spend time with their grandparents is good for all of you.

Gojira · 18/08/2018 21:15

Oh just tell him to shut up.

I struggle at times and I only have one child.

It's not a bloody competition. Why does he care if you have a bit of support?

TheSheepofWallSt · 18/08/2018 21:16

Also I have one, two year old.

I’m a lone parent- any ANY chance I can have another adult human help me wrangle him, I take it. With both hands, and feet.

As someone said upthread, women are not meant to raise children alone. Ever heard that phrase “it takes a village”? It’s true. I’m working on a digital project at the moment that takes as it’s central premise, the thesis that the increasingly isolated and isolating way in which we mother our children, is directly related to the contemporary prevalence of rates of post partum mental illness.

You’re doing the right thing. He’s an arsehole.

greenlanes · 18/08/2018 21:17

Gojira - just what I was coming on to post. My ex always made parenting competitive. #justwhy

kaytee87 · 18/08/2018 21:21

How often does he take them both out by themselves?
You would cope if you had to but why would you when you have a willing grandparent that wants to help?

Awrite · 18/08/2018 21:21

It's as if he doesn't want you to enjoy being with the kids without him.

Or, are the will family members your family members by any chance?

Either way, it was a cunty comment. Aimed to get you where it hurts.

Awrite · 18/08/2018 21:21

Willing family members

Peace425 · 18/08/2018 21:21

It's not a good sign that your DH is looking critically at what you do in the daytime, then commenting on your ability to look after your two children by yourself in a negative way. He should have admiration for your ability to cope for long periods with the two of them. Sounds like he does not do this himself, so thinks it's 'easy'.

This brings back memories of my Dad, who really resented the fact that my Mum was a stay-at-home mum, and made her feel bad about it. He often called her 'lazy'.

Did he say it as a joke?
Or did he say it seriously as a passive-aggressive dig?

If he makes other digs like this and it's passive-aggressive, I would be looking to find advice about dealing with this in ways that will ensure you maintain self-esteem, boundaries, etc.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/08/2018 21:22

I have a 20 month gap between DD and DS and DD was a flying bolter meaning I had to keg it after her when heavily pg.

I am dreading that stage again with DS and looks like we will have a similar gap between him and DC3 so I can’t wait to bolt after him whilst pg too.

Oh, and did I mention DD who has walked nicely beside me for so long has reverted to bolting off again? It’s mind-shredding.

Anyway, your DH is a shithouse for saying that too you. If he had a brain the size of his gob he’d be able to work out he’s being a tosser.

Sorry OP.

SoyDora · 18/08/2018 21:22

Why does he care anyway? DH is happy when I can find a way to make my life easier/more enjoyable. Does he think you should be deliberately be making things difficult for yourself so you can prove your worth as a mum?

kaytee87 · 18/08/2018 21:23

I can manage my 2yo and my 3.5yo nephew now but 6 months ago I'd have asked my mum or DH to help if I had them both.

Petalflowers · 18/08/2018 21:24

Doesn’t he know, we all cheat! For you it’s the park, for others it’s food, for some people it’s having CBeebies on. No one can be a perfect mum all the time.

wheezing · 18/08/2018 21:26

I only have one and I have a very small list of places we can go. He always hated the pram and car with a passion m. At 2 he wants to be carried in arms most places. Unless I have my DP with me we stick to home/ garden and a few local safe places (safe because I know I can get there easily with a toddler, know there are things there to entertain him etc). It was the same as a baby, I couldn’t go more than about a mile away because I didn’t know how I would actually get there and back. Am I “cheating”? It never occurred to me.

Camelsinthegobi · 18/08/2018 21:26

My youngest are 2 years apart. There are only a few places that I go with them on my own...

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/08/2018 21:27

We have four DC between ten and four. My DH can take them all out alone and has done since birth, I cannot cope in the same circumstances at all. I'm not less of a mother because I stress more than him. We're just different. Your DH is being a bit of a knob, tbh!

OnTopOfSpaghetti · 18/08/2018 21:27

I bet the grandparents love coming along anyway and being involved. Cheating my arse.

kaytee87 · 18/08/2018 21:27

It sounds like he wants your life to be difficult. What's his problem?

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 18/08/2018 21:28

I love this thread. Thank you all for making me feel better!

BlueBug45 · 18/08/2018 21:29

OP if it's not raining tomorrow please make him take both children to the park on his own. He will soon learn that having two bolters is hardwork.

Ninoo25 · 18/08/2018 21:30

My 3yo still wears reins because she bolts as soon as she’s given the chance. YANBU you just want reassurance that there’s an extra pair of hands there if needed. I don’t take my 2 to the car on my own either!

Charolais · 18/08/2018 21:30

Cheating!? I’ll tell you what cheating is - it’s what I did. I had my boys 14 years apart and so the oldest one would look after youngest one while I escaped to walk the dogs in the hills for a few hours. Pure bliss.