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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dc about to be taken up in a light aircraft against my wishes

97 replies

dragonator · 17/08/2018 09:06

Dc (9&11) are on holiday with ex and family about 5 hours away from here. There is an elderly relative there (not sure of exact age) who has a light aircraft and the dc were due to go there earlier in the year and to possible go up in it. That holiday didn't happen but I told ex mil at the time that I wouldn't want them going up in the plane.

I also mentioned it to the dc and they both said they wouldn't want to go in it - maybe they were trying to please me but we spoke about it in quite a neutral way and they both are quite risk averse.

Ex took them last weekend but (and I regret this now) I didn't mention the plane to him because he has form for not ever replying to my texts/emails and I knew from when we were together that this man only takes the plane up in May for a local event (there was some talk a few years ago about taking dc out of school to go to it, but my disagreement then focused on not taking them out of school, rather than the plane itself).

I have just had a text from ex saying relative is offering to take them up and it's a great opportunity so he assumes I agree. I have replied no, and rung dd, who is now saying she wants to go but says ex mil and ex are arguing because ex mil wants to stick to my wishes.

I'm trying to ring ex but he's not answering. wtf do I do?

OP posts:
User878929333 · 17/08/2018 09:57

Yes, five hours a year practice, combined with older age (OP says ‘elderly’) - I’d not want my kids getting in a car with that person, let alone a plane.

TomHardysNextWife · 17/08/2018 09:59

Oh my goodness, I'd be frantic. I'd be telling him that you will be straight on the phone to SS to be honest if he's going to play games like this. It's a hazardous activity and you've not given your consent.

I'm terrified when my DC fly commercially let alone a small plane. We're unfortunate enough to live near a county airport and how some of the pilots have licences is beyond me...............

User878929333 · 17/08/2018 09:59

Oh and I’m not being ageist before anyone jumps on me, but I know from experience my DF and FIL’s driving has declined hugely past age 70, and part of the problem is they don’t realise how poor their driving can be. FIL is the same in the bloody plane 🙈 near misses sound fairly par for the course.

birdonawire1 · 17/08/2018 10:01

Can you contact the pilot directly or get his number from MIl?

C0untDucku1a · 17/08/2018 10:01

I agree with newboot.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/08/2018 10:01

I totally agree with you. Sending the children up with a highly skilled pilot in a well maintained aircraft is one thing. Sending them up with an elderly man, who’s flying today just to clock up his 5 hours flying this year in an aircraft, which may be shared or not taken out a great deal is quite another.

I agree with pps. Kudos on your exmil. As a compromise, I would offer to take your children in a helicopter or some such if you can stomach doing that and afford it. Or agree for him to do it.

Nicknacky · 17/08/2018 10:05

Tom What exactly do you think SS will do?! This isn’t a matter for SS.

HollyGibney · 17/08/2018 10:07

I agree with others that MIL who on the spot has equal concerns about this and this is why she's agreeing with the OP.

MissSusanSays · 17/08/2018 10:09

Sparklingbrook

This might interest you.
www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0001457510003672

Original poster
dragonator · 17/08/2018 10:09

Well he has returned my calls and it was a very odd conversation. Didn't help I immediately burst into tears, which was really stupid but I had worked myself up because I feel so helpless.

He was nice, and it is first time he has spoken nicely to me in years, so it threw me. He was on about what a great opportunity it is, which it isn't, imo, and how many people this man has taken up etc etc. However, he then said that it probably wouldn't happen now as his mother has told the pilot to lie to him (ex) about the plane not being able to fly today. So hopefully that is that. I was totally expecting to be sworn at, so didn't really say the things I wanted to...

He finished by saying he is probably bringing the dc back a day early (today instead of tomorrow), but will let me know later, which is more true to form.

I'm going to be on edge all day now as I wouldn't put it past him to still take them up...

OP posts:
catlady34 · 17/08/2018 10:10

He's their parent too, your wishes don't trump his unfortunately.

Slartybartfast · 17/08/2018 10:12

It would be a great experience op.

SlartiAardvark · 17/08/2018 10:15

I think it'd be great for the kids - I did it as a kid & it's still a great memory now.

Not sure why your wishes trump his - how would you feel about him dictating what you could & couldn't do when they were with you?

Plus, statistically, they're more likely to be in a crash travelling to & from your Ex's in the car than they are in a light plane......

Urbanbeetler · 17/08/2018 10:16

If it were with a pilot who flew regularly and was not elderly - maybe. But these circumstances are not favourable and being risk averse here is appropriate. Op has every right to object - as would their father if she was proposing to do something which definitely put the children in a high risk situation.

TheVanguardSix · 17/08/2018 10:16

Excellent result.
If he lies and they have flown, you withdraw contact.
‘See you in court.’

This issue hasn’t been put to bed yet. You insist that this ‘experience’ never happens. Your ex must agree on this one.

SlartiAardvark · 17/08/2018 10:21

If he lies and they have flown, you withdraw contact.

Really?

TBH, it's none of her business what he gets up to with the kids as long as it's legal.

But hey, as long as you're OK OP, never mind what might be nice for the kids eh?

MissSusanSays · 17/08/2018 10:22

SlartiAardvark

Not true. Light aircraft travel is as dangerous as car travel. You are thinking of commercial aviation.

RainySeptember · 17/08/2018 10:25

'Your ex must agree on this one.'

He doesn't actually have to agree, there's no legal requirement to do so. As pp have said, OP's wishes do not trump his. That is not how contact works and if op chooses to 'see him in court' I suspect that court would take a dim view of withholding contact. It would be better to get him to understand the dangers rather than lay down the law and cut contact IMO.

IceCreamFace · 17/08/2018 10:26

I was ready to say YABU but a private light aircraft by someone who flies only rarely no way. YANBU. I like the sound of your MiL sticking up for your wishes.

Leliana · 17/08/2018 10:31

As an equal parent, he's entitled to make his own judgement about what the children can safely do during his contact time, unless it's obviously neglectful or abusive. I think you are being very unreasonable and are undermining his parental authority. You are not the sole arbiter of how your children should be brought up. If you think you're being reasonable, by all means go to court and apply for a prohibited steps order to stop him allowing this person to take your children in that plane. If it's that dangerous, it'll be granted, won't it? Short of a PSO I'm not sure there's a lot you can do. If you stop contact over this, he will likely take you to court to regain contact, and you won't look good for stopping contact over a one-off incident like this.

The ability to evaluate and manage risk is a crucial aspect of parenting.

(I am not a lawyer, however!)

FuckPants · 17/08/2018 10:36

If he lies and they have flown, you withdraw contact.

Yeah good luck with that.

He can do what he likes as long as it's legal during his contact time.

TheVanguardSix · 17/08/2018 10:45

Yes slarti really.

Lies=broken trust

youarenotkiddingme · 17/08/2018 10:45

I guess it's good they aren't going against you wishes.

However as their father he does also have a say in what they do and make reasonable choices about their care when he is responsible for them.

The bit that would worry me here is that Ex MIL agreed with me. I wouldn't assume 100% it was to respect my wishes but more that she also had reservations bout them going and as the person who knows the pilot better I'd be inclined to think that her opinion counts most here!

I suspect the day early isn't about being true to form but possibly a form if ounishment to you - except I bet it's more of a reward!

TheVanguardSix · 17/08/2018 10:48

Stand your ground OP.

inquiquotiokixul · 17/08/2018 10:51

Massive kudos to ex-MIL for respecting you. Fist bump to her wherever she may be.

As pp say it's not the flying so much as flying in a craft that doesn't go up often with a pilot that doesn't go up often - that's too risky for me. Yanbu.

But talk about finding a way for them to go aloft in a safer way.

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