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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dc about to be taken up in a light aircraft against my wishes

97 replies

dragonator · 17/08/2018 09:06

Dc (9&11) are on holiday with ex and family about 5 hours away from here. There is an elderly relative there (not sure of exact age) who has a light aircraft and the dc were due to go there earlier in the year and to possible go up in it. That holiday didn't happen but I told ex mil at the time that I wouldn't want them going up in the plane.

I also mentioned it to the dc and they both said they wouldn't want to go in it - maybe they were trying to please me but we spoke about it in quite a neutral way and they both are quite risk averse.

Ex took them last weekend but (and I regret this now) I didn't mention the plane to him because he has form for not ever replying to my texts/emails and I knew from when we were together that this man only takes the plane up in May for a local event (there was some talk a few years ago about taking dc out of school to go to it, but my disagreement then focused on not taking them out of school, rather than the plane itself).

I have just had a text from ex saying relative is offering to take them up and it's a great opportunity so he assumes I agree. I have replied no, and rung dd, who is now saying she wants to go but says ex mil and ex are arguing because ex mil wants to stick to my wishes.

I'm trying to ring ex but he's not answering. wtf do I do?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 17/08/2018 09:08

I’d totally be on your page, OP!
Kudos to your ex MIL for respecting your wishes.

Your ex isn’t communicating with you so what channels of communication do you have at present?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/08/2018 09:09

Tricky one.
Mine do things with their dad I feel are v unsafe and indeed they've had head injuries.
Their time with him isn't something I've been able to control to any degree. I only find out after the fact.

It must be nerve wracking for you.

You could ask to see a full risk assessment and for evidence of safety equipment such as parachutes?
Is your ex the type to lose enthusiasm if admin is involved?

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 09:11

what are you so worried about? is it the age thing and that he might not be 'up to scratch' in some way with regards to flying ? only flying one a month would bother me a bit tbh ex sounds a bit of a idiot for ignoring your concerns but it should be up to the dc if they don't want to go, i don't see how ex can force them.

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 09:11

I'm with you Op

My Dp flies and there is no way he's taking her up in a little puddle jumper. Just no.

londonrach · 17/08/2018 09:11

I love the fact your ex mil is following your wishes.

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 09:12

'I love the fact your ex mil is following your wishes.'

Me too

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 17/08/2018 09:12

There is nothing you can do. I wouldn't want this either in those circumstances but what your exdh chooses for your children in his contact time is his call. He is their father as much as you are their mother and you don't have an overarching power to veto. I totally get why you don't want this (and exmil sounds good for standing up for you in your absence) but there really is nothing you can do if their father says they can go.

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 09:12

meant to ask would ex go ahead regardless to pee you off ? good for mil for standing up for you.

apriljune12 · 17/08/2018 09:13

Oh dear op I am with you I wouldn’t like this. Your ex mil sounds sensible

LagunaBubbles · 17/08/2018 09:15

It's hard but you can't do anything. It's one of those things about being separated parents, someone else can make decisions and choices for your children you don't agree with.

Original poster
dragonator · 17/08/2018 09:17

I don't know what to do. he has replied to my text saying my incessant caution will ruin their lives (I've never prevented them doing anything else) but still won't pick up.

DD sounded pissed off with me - I'm sick of being the bad guy. I'm pleased ex mil is sticking by my views, but also annoyed that they've been put in this position. They were taken to the landing strip last night to see this man's mate come in - it should have been made clear to him and the dc then that they would not be going up. I feel the man has offered spontaneously and it's not thought through. But I should have reiterated my views before they went.

OP posts:
MongerTruffle · 17/08/2018 09:19

paintinmyhairAgain I wouldn't want to fly in a small plane regardless of who was flying it.

RedHelenB · 17/08/2018 09:19

If dd wants to go up then I would let her.

User878929333 · 17/08/2018 09:19

He only flies it once a year? No way in hell. How do you know the plane is adequately serviced and his skills are up to scratch?

We have a parallel situation in our family, a friend of PIL with his own small plane. I don’t even want DH to go up in it, the kids will never be allowed!

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 09:19

I'm guessing if whoever is piloting the aircraft gets the vibe your not happy then that should be enough.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/08/2018 09:20

Mm. Your fears are not unfounded, especially since it doesn't sound like the pilot gets much airtime. OTOH, we took DD, then 5, up in a 4 seater in Brittany, and she was so excited she joined the ATC as soon as she was old enough. Nearly got a gliding licence too.

Flying is brilliant. Fear of flying is rational. In our case, we thought the risk was low.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/08/2018 09:20

If they wanted to fly and joined something safe and organised like air training corps would you have the same concerns?

My eldest are in that and I don't worry about them going up because I'm a former member and I know how safety conscious they are.

It's different when it's a private affair.

Ignore his insults if you can. They are entirely beside the point.

PinkAvocado · 17/08/2018 09:22

I disagree with pp that said what he does with the children in his own time is up to him. I do not believe it would be safe enough given how little he flies and that is reason to say you don’t want them to do it.

TeenTimesTwo · 17/08/2018 09:23

I wouldn't have a problem with my DC going up in a light aircraft if they wanted to. But I would have a problem with them going with someone who only flies once per year.

Sparklingbrook · 17/08/2018 09:23

I spent many an afternoon in a light aircraft growing up as my Dad had one.
So I haven't got an issue with light aircraft.
Can see your concern though. You don't know this man and from what little you do know makes you uncomfortable.

MistyMeena · 17/08/2018 09:24

Not a chance I would agree to it under those circumstances, OP.
Stick to your guns! Is ex likely to just let them go anyway?

Urbanbeetler · 17/08/2018 09:25

I think you are right, and it is not over the top risk aversion not to want them to go up. I also think it’s possible mil sees that but chooses to go against the trip saying this is because of your wishes when honestly she may feel just as uncomfortable about it herself. I know I would.

araiwa · 17/08/2018 09:25

Dc want to go. Their dad wants to take them. Nowt you can do

Not sure why you think your opinion is more valid than their dad who is there. Its not a particularly dangerous activity

TheVanguardSix · 17/08/2018 09:27

Don’t worry about DD being pissed off. You’re the grown up here.
My ex was exactly like yours. Much less so now (DS is 16) but when DS was younger, every outing had to involve risk and I was making DC neurotic and ruining his life because I didn’t want my then 10 year old riding pillion on dad’s motorbike on the Hammersmith flyover OR ANYWHERE. I didn’t want him riding on his dad’s bike.
And of course I was the bad guy for wanting an alive version of my child at the end of each stay with ex.

What can you do?
Stand your ground and insist.
Yes, it’s true that while they’re in dad’s care, it’s his turf, plan, watch.
But you still have every reasonable right to disapprove and hold your ground.
There’s a reason your MIL is upholding your wishes. I’d say she feels it’s dodgy.
I would say you’re coming to collect the children now. He is going against your wishes putting them in harm’s way. You’re getting in the car, would be my next approach.

This is worth drawing swords over, OP. This battle is worth being the bad guy for. Light aircraft. Confused I don’t envy your position. That would worry me.

MissSusanSays · 17/08/2018 09:28

My DH who is an light aircraft mechanic says absolutely not. The plane will be fine but, in his experience, it is always pilot error. If they guy doesn’t fly a lot and is a bit elderly then he is a menace. DH says low hour pilots are the most dangerous.

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