AIBU- to have a 4th child?

[Ameliel]

Posting here as I just would like your opinion on…should I go on to have a 4th child??
Background: So, I am happily married to DH of 16 years, we have 3 children: DS 11 years, DS 9 years and DD 7 years. I am nearly 41 and for quite few years now thought that our family is all complete, that’s it, no more babies… until DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with, (the boys usually play “boys stuff” together, and she ends up alone…) something I really feel sorry for her as I am one of three girls and always loved having my sisters around. I do feel she is missing out for not having a younger sibling to play with. (yes I secretly long for another girl but if it was a boy I know we would all love him to bits regardless! )
And then during one tipsy evening out recently, DH suggested we have another baby! I initially just laughed off his tipsy suggestion but then started thinking…. And got more and more broody! I then had a serious conversation with (now sober) DH, this time he was more like; no way, we are done with babies!
…But I can’t get this idea off my head! I would really want another baby, just to complete my family, and just to feel those tiny baby toes one more time… And after some more conversations with DH he has now said he is happy to go for it, if it makes me happy. He was not too hard to convince and I think he would really like to have another baby too (certain things he says, the ways he notices babies around us when we are out) but is worried about finances and how hard life would become with a 4th one in tow. We are both self-employed and I work from home, negotiating work and childcare with varying success…we are comfortable but worry about finances is never too far from the surface.
So here’s the question: Am I totally bonkers to long for a 4th child??? I am worried that :
a) I am too old?? (risk of birth defects etc with older mums, even if we were lucky enough to conceive)
b) the age gap between the youngest and my 3 current children would be too much… I don’t want the little one to grow up almost as an “only child”. In your experience, if the age gap is 8+ years, how do they get on?
c) would it be really tough, 4 DC compared to 3DC?? I know we would need to upgrade the car and kiss goodbye to foreign holidays for a while, but how did you find the jump, when you went for the 4th child?
So basically I would just be really grateful for your opinions and experiences in a similar situation, please. Thank you in advance!

Well I have 4 DC. Age 22, 14, 11 and 3 nearly 4. I was 44 when I had my 4th. Wasn't planned and I was really worried about abnormalities etc. I was immediately high risk just on age alone. I was told I had a 1:4 chance of my 4th having Downs. However went onto have a CVS and he is perfect. It was lovely having a baby in the house and having time off. Really made the most of it knowing he was definitely my last. You need to weigh it up and agree as a couple. Good luck with your decision

Thanks for sharing your experience Hairy!
I know we would love having baby in the house. I will just need to decide if it's sensible to do at this point of our lives... x

Well, realistically the little one would definitely be the odd one out with that age gap. Whilst your daughter says she'd love a baby etc she actually has no idea what she's asking for, in terms of sharing your time and finances, missing out on stuff etc and won't have any kind of proper sisterly relationship until they are grownups (if then) as she'll be a teenager by the time baby even starts school and have left home likely before the youngest is through primary. My sister is 4 years older than me and the gap was too much for us to ever really bond as children as we were always at a different stage. If, as you say, baby had birth defects then it would massively impact on the lives of the others. Given what you've said about your being self employed and your finances, it doesn't sound like having another baby would be best for your existing children (since you asked) but I get that the call of biology is strong.

With children the ages yours are, I think you’d be bonkers to go back to the baby stage again. Your dd may feel a bit left out now and again when her brothers are playing together but she’d have even
Less In common with a brother or sister at least 8 years younger.
In your shoes I would at least try to visualise the age gaps not just now but in the future - eg when you have a 16,18 and 20 year olds and then an 8 year old who’d still need childcare, babysitters etc

Of course you’ll get lots of people who’ve had multiple kids and large age gaps telling you to go for it- because once a child
Is here, of course you’ll love them and cant imagine life without them. But seriously I think you’d be nuts now your kids are at that lovely stage where you can (mostly!) reason with them, go interesting places etc

I have done it. Mine are 6, 7 and 8 and I’m 28 weeks pregnant. I longed for one final baby and (after two missed miscarriages last year which only made me want it even more) I got it. I’m not worried about this baby being the odd one out because he will undoubtedly be absolutely doted on by his siblings. That’s not an unrealistic view, they are genuinely extremely excited and want the baby to come RIGHT NOW .

I’m not quite as old as you though so the age would be a concern of mine. I would discuss this with your GP first, weigh up the medical pros and cons and decide whether you and DH could cope with, say, Down’s syndrome should it happen or whether you’d have to abort.

We have had to upgrade one car, DP is keeping his five seater for work. Not the end of the world.

I’m 46 and had DC3 at 42.
I’d love to have had another but that ship has sailed.
DC1 and DC2 have 8 years between them (big brother to a little sister) and it’s been nothing but joyful! DC2 is 4 years older than DC3 (big sister to little brother) and it’s been challenging! But lovely, nonetheless!

If I were you, I’d go for it. Your DH has his toe in the water it seems and you have the longing. My DH was more than adamant about not having a 4th and I didn’t really have the energy to try again after number 3 (who was a tough baby). However, if DH had wanted a 4th, I know I wouldn’t have hesitated.

Thank you all for your replies. I do realise the implications on our life style for years to come and yes my age and any possible birth defect is a huge worry for me. I will discuss with my doctor, that's a really good idea. I just don't want to get a couple more years down the line and wish that we had at least tried... we now still have a narrow window to do this. Ooh it's so difficult! X

It's a tough decision. Remember how hard it is - it will be harder still because you are older and have 3 others, your others are bound to miss out in the short term though in the long term of course will gain a sibling.

Your heart says yes but what does your head say? I would be writing out a list of pros and cons and considering the real impact on your current three. This baby is not going to be a playmate for DD, ever, the age gap is just too big . I think it's common for the youngest child to want mum and dad to have another baby but that doesn't always mean its right.

If you're asking the internet it shows you have doubts. Don't bring a child into the world with doubts, especially a high risk of defects child. That would destroy many families.

Our dog is our 4th!

It’s so tough when that window narrows. I really think delivering by 44 is the absolute cut-off.
So you have a decent window.
I found having my last baby in my 40s a bit harder in that I just didn’t have the tolerance for the lack of sleep. It really pissed me off.

You’d never ever regret baby number 4. But if you don’t go for it, I think you’ll be totally ok with that too. I think our biology kicks in. If I were 36, I’d struggle more with not having number 4. But at 46, the fertility factory is run by a skeletal staff. I don’t feel that same sort of desire at all- in fact, I feel no desire to have more kids and that is really helpful. I’m not left with that regret. My point is, you’ll be very happy either way, whether 3’s the magic number or 4. I hope I make sense!

By the time the 4th child is old enough to play descent games your DD will be too old to play with toddlers/pre schooler. She'll most likely be looking forward to high school.
.

I never had 3 as my no 3 was twins. But 4 is chaos compared to 2... bigger house and car etc. Trips out like an expedition. We ended up with 5 which i love but youngest is 6 year gap and i would say it is too big for them to play together. Especially once the older ones hit teens. I think I would go for it if you don't mind mess and chaos!!

I wouldn't even consider it. Why can't you be happy with the beautiful family you already have? The added risk of birth defects due to your age should be something you consider VERY seriously.

Your youngest will make friends and won't be so lonely. Many children (& adults) go through a lonely phase.

You have a lovely and complete family right now.

I had my fourth when I was 40. My first was born when I was 27, second when I was 28 and third when I was 30.
She was not planned, but a very happy accident. The big kids ADORED her ( except ds2 who Id promised, at the age of 3 could have a puppy when he was 11, #4 was born a month before he turned 11 so puppy never happened, 13 years later he still complains )
She has kept me feeling young, though Im way older than ALL her friends parents.
She is a well balanced child, never been much work, older than her years due to her interactions with much older siblings.
I was more tired when pregnant with her but her birth was easy and she was a great, very content baby. I also had way more patience and was much more laid back with her than the other 3.
She is 13 now, her siblings are 22, 24 and 25. They take her places like to concerts cos I dont want to go . Its cool to watch the interaction.
I have ZERO money but thats cos Ive put 3 through college, nothing to do with her. In fact she just went through the clothes Ds1 left behind when he moved out so back to school shopping was $35
Has its advantages and I wouldnt change a thing even though I was HORRIFIED when i found out I was pregnant again

DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with

Get her a dog. Seriously.
She has no idea what she's talking about, doesn't understand that it actually takes quite a while to have a baby and that it will never be the close in age playmate she expects.

BTW your family is complete as it is.

There are 12 and years between myself and my closest sibling and I get on better with them than the loser in age siblings. We have children the same age, not being a similar level of development doesn't mean they won't bond, that is bonkers, and sad that a pp said they don't have a bond with a sibling 4 years different. I find that odd, many siblings are close with big gaps and many don't get on who are the same age. I think it sounds like you really want it. Good luck.

Don't.

My older sister is almost twelve years older than me, and while she was very good at 'playing' the role for years, she recently opened up to me about how much she hated the whole gig (I'm almost 40, she's in her 50s, and we have a great relationship, btw).

Basically, my parents (my mother especially) were enormously selfish people and only thought about their needs, rather than those of the wider family.

You want a baby for you, which is a thing, but don't pretend you're being consumate to anybody else's needs.

I too nagged my dear mum at age 7 to have another baby as someone to play with, thank goodness she ignored me as a few years later I would have HATED a younger sibling and having them into my things. Your daughter is a child and she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She doesn’t realise the very real implications of having an awful lot less of your time and attention — divided between 4 kids they’re just not going to have enough. The age gap is too big for them to play together anyway, and what if it’s another boy?

Your husband doesn’t seem keen either, why would you want to make such a big decision when he is reluctant?

( except ds2 who Id promised, at the age of 3 could have a puppy when he was 11, #4 was born a month before he turned 11 so puppy never happened, 13 years later he still complains grin )

Do you actually think that's cool, or funny, that your child - YOUR CHILD - had spent their entire short life looking forward to something, only to have it taken away because you - YOU - wanted something more?

Don't be surprised when they p*ss off at 20 and you never see them again.

You have the perfect family already!! I think buy your daughter a puppy instead. A little baby girl puppy that you guys can dress up and push in a stroller haha. Seriously though I also have 3 boys and a girl and sure I would love for my girl to have a baby sister but I would never go for #4!

Sorry, I meant 2 boys & a girl :)

For me personally I would worry about the effect a baby would have on family life. I had a 6 year gap between DC1 and 2 and it certainly changed a lot of things for DC1, even things like family days out and holidays suddenly have to revolve around the baby when you’d moved past that stage. The DC are 2 and 8 now and there’s still a lot of things we can’t do/are restricted in doing because we have a young toddler. I’d just think about how another baby then toddler will effect your future plans for trips/holidays and your daily life as a family very carefully first.

Question for those who have posted about have a 'later' 4th baby. It's easy to say 'Yes, no regrets' but would you want you daughter/s to do the same? Would you want them to have a 4th child when they are in their 40s?

If you do it, do it for the right reasons, not because your 7yo feels lonely. By the time the baby gets old enough to play with, she'll be in secondary school. You'd have to be mad to do it for those reasons! You can't give her a 7yo twin sister.