AIBU- to have a 4th child?

[Ameliel]

Posting here as I just would like your opinion on…should I go on to have a 4th child??
Background: So, I am happily married to DH of 16 years, we have 3 children: DS 11 years, DS 9 years and DD 7 years. I am nearly 41 and for quite few years now thought that our family is all complete, that’s it, no more babies… until DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with, (the boys usually play “boys stuff” together, and she ends up alone…) something I really feel sorry for her as I am one of three girls and always loved having my sisters around. I do feel she is missing out for not having a younger sibling to play with. (yes I secretly long for another girl but if it was a boy I know we would all love him to bits regardless! )
And then during one tipsy evening out recently, DH suggested we have another baby! I initially just laughed off his tipsy suggestion but then started thinking…. And got more and more broody! I then had a serious conversation with (now sober) DH, this time he was more like; no way, we are done with babies!
…But I can’t get this idea off my head! I would really want another baby, just to complete my family, and just to feel those tiny baby toes one more time… And after some more conversations with DH he has now said he is happy to go for it, if it makes me happy. He was not too hard to convince and I think he would really like to have another baby too (certain things he says, the ways he notices babies around us when we are out) but is worried about finances and how hard life would become with a 4th one in tow. We are both self-employed and I work from home, negotiating work and childcare with varying success…we are comfortable but worry about finances is never too far from the surface.
So here’s the question: Am I totally bonkers to long for a 4th child??? I am worried that :
a) I am too old?? (risk of birth defects etc with older mums, even if we were lucky enough to conceive)
b) the age gap between the youngest and my 3 current children would be too much… I don’t want the little one to grow up almost as an “only child”. In your experience, if the age gap is 8+ years, how do they get on?
c) would it be really tough, 4 DC compared to 3DC?? I know we would need to upgrade the car and kiss goodbye to foreign holidays for a while, but how did you find the jump, when you went for the 4th child?
So basically I would just be really grateful for your opinions and experiences in a similar situation, please. Thank you in advance!

My sisters are 7 & 8 years older than me. So we were never at the same life stage as children, and I wasn't that close to them. By the time I was in secondary school they were off to university. One of them moved back in later, and we didn't get on at all (I think it was her being unreasonable, mainly) and I ended up moving to my dad's house because of it, for my last year of school.

However, as adults we are pretty close. I moved across the country to live nearer them when I had a child (they already did), so the cousins would grow up knowing each other. I pick the formerly evil sister's children up from school sometimes, and I talk to the other one online daily (she's in a different city, but not too far). We see each other at least once a month.

My friend has 5 children, and her 5th is a decade younger than the 4th (who is also living at home at the moment, but wasn't previously). Most of them live nearby and get on well (the 4th not so much right now). The youngest seems happy to have the older siblings, who help care for her sometimes too.

My mum was 20 years younger than her brother (who she was close to), and 10 years younger than her sister (who she was estranged from).

So they may feel like an only child when they're young, but that doesn't mean they won't get on well long-term. And sibling relationships are so variable anyway, I don't think age gaps alone are necessarily going to be a reliable predictor.

But I would be seriously considering the environmental sustainability of my lifestyle if I were thinking of having more than 2 children (I only have 1, and not likely to have more, for various reasons).

I had dc3 at 38, eight years after dc2 (2 year gap between dc1 and 2).

Her brothers adore her and have from the start - seeing their love for her has been one of the best things about it. She's a joy, too, and quite easy behaviour-wise this far (not sleep-wise, but I've always had non-sleeping children, so was expecting it). Have yet to really notice the financial stretch, partly because the gap does mean costs are staggered to an extent (e.g. stopped using childcare for dc2 just as started with dc3). Car-wise we had a 7-seater anyway (inherited) and would have wanted one so we could ferry the boys' friends around now and again - fitting another in isn't too much more of an issue. We don't do hotels on holiday, and self-catering isn't that much more expensive to fit another in. (But you'll already have that to deal with as you have 3).

What I absolutely would not do, all this said, is have another with some idea of creating sibling relationships or 'giving' your youngest a sibling. My boys' love for their sister gives me endless joy, but I never thought that having another was adding to their lives in the sense of giving them someone to play with. The gap's too big. I think that people worry far too much about lack of siblings (esp wrt only children, but also in situations like this) more generally. So if this is primarily about your youngest, I really wouldn't do it. She's not missing out, and a sibling eight years aounger will not enrich her life in the way you are supposing it will (in other ways, yes).

I'm also a bit dubious about broodiness and wanting a baby (as opposed to a child) as a motive. We had dd after several miscarriages and that process tends to drvie any romanticising about baby toes out. I happen to like the baby stage, but the fraughtness and anxiety of some of it is hard, and imagining having dd before she came along was always in terms of having another child.

Nadial and your point is? Do you really think there is a difference for a 39 ur old having a baby and a 41yt old? None of us knows how our life will turn out, if anything having a baby in your 40 s encourages you to look after yourself more, exercise eat well etc (for me anyway) I knows DC who have lost there mothers at 10 and fathers too. My age certainly wouldn’t have changed my decision at continuing with my pregnancy. Where I live there are a lot of woman I know having there first DC in there 40s. That could be my DD in the future and it wouldn’t bother me at all.

I don’t think your DD will realistically play with the baby or have it as a companion. By the time the baby is old enough to play with she will be a tween and will have no interest in playing with a young child. If she’s lonely could you work on her spending more time with friends?

I think you would be insane to have another now and go back to the baby stage. Especially as you are in a financially precarious position. What if the new baby has additional needs? How will your family cope if you have to give up work to care for them?

I also know people who, as adults have a great bond with siblings who are much younger/older, because when you’re 40, an 8 year age gap is nothing! But that’s not a reason for going ahead and having another child - because one day at some future point they might get in really well!

Equally I know adults with much younger siblings who still resent the changes to the family dynamic it brought. Some were expected to occupy the Younger sibling while mum got on with stuff, or even babysit, and even if that wasn’t the case they were aware of the restrictions it placed on the family. Not just the bigger things like holidays and days out, just the day to day stuff. Sitting round the dinner table in the evening is a very different dynamic when you introduce a toddler when the older children are well into school age. Inevitably babies and toddlers can tend to dominate situations until they’re old enough to reason with!

I’m sure if you go for no 4 youll be happy and feel you’ve made the right decision (you can’t send them back!) but I think the wise point has been made by PP : you’ll be equally happy with your family as it is.

What Monday said.

The age gap would be too big to solve the 'loneliness' of your daughter. When the baby is 5, she'll be an early teen who no longer wants to play kiddy games. She's a good age to get a kitten though.

I have zero experience of being in your position, but at the same time I am.the youngest of a spread out group and have vowed never to do it myself (and I DID have a sister close to me.in age).

If your daughter a lonely, having a baby won’t help that as the gap will be too big for her to bridge in terms of interests for quite a few years. If that’s a serious concern of yours, I’d focus on building friendships for her outside of the family, which may not be as easy with a newborn in tow.

Dd1 was 7 nearly 8 when DC2 came along, then 18 months later DC3. She begged for years to have a sibling, was so excited they were coming etc. Roll on 3 years and of course she loves her siblings, but she definitely feels aggrieved at times that the 3 and 1.5 yr old take up so much of our time, days out are difficult in terms of finding stuff everyone can do.

I also massively underestimated how hard going back to sleepless nights would be. I'm exhausted all the time, and have to make a real effort to make 1:1 time with the eldest and not just go to bed early instead lol!

So although I only have 3 not 4, I just thought I'd share my daughters experience.

I don’t think you are too old. Lots of women conceive easily and have healthy babies in their early 40s. Lots of people are excellent parents to teenagers when they are in their 60s.

However I think that your reasons for wanting another are trivial ( feel these toes again - we’ll just borrow one, seriously ) and spurious ( no, it won’t be a playmate for DD, take her to rainbows ) .

Do not plan a huge commitment for the whole family based on a drunken suggestion from your DH.

On the other hand , your reasons for NOT wanting another are sensible. Finanaces, work, childcare, limited holidays, car and housing issues.

Remember that your current children are at the LEAST expensive stage to run. Babies , toddlers and pre schoolers are expensive because of childcare costs on your earnings / career.

But they are also expensive up as soon as they are teenagers and become sky high once / if they go to university.

You need to do some hard thinking if another baby is best for the whole family now.

There's a big gap between me and my older sisters (6 & 8 years older), and we were not close when I was a child - when I was in primary school, they were teenagers and didn't want to spend time with an annoying baby sister, and when I was a teenager they had left home. Growing up, I felt like an only child and it was lonely at times.

There were also financial pressures because my parents had to buy a bigger house (in the 1980s so interest rates were an issue), on the level of 'struggling to afford new school shoes' pressures, so fairly significant. My sisters were also expected to babysit, look after me and keep me occupied, that kind of thing, which they resented.

We're closer now we're all adults, but they are closer to each other than they are to me, and I still feel left out at times.

I posted this before on MN and got a hostile response from parents who have children a big age gap, so I expect I'll get the same responses. But from the POV of the youngest child, it's not great, so I think YABU.

7 years between my brother and I and it was like being an only child as he was always at a different stage of life. So when I was at primary, he was at secondary, when I went to secondary he was off to uni!

Ellie me too, my sister's are 8 and 10 years older than me, so by the time I was 7 I waa at home on my own and we have never been close. That's why after having DC2 i quickly had DC3 as I remember how it felt and didn't want no 2 to feel like that at 8 when no 1 goes to uni. I ultimately wish I'd not waited for no 2 as long as I did and had them all close together.

I'm not from a big family but there's 6 years between me and my little sister. When she was first born I helped my mum to change her and bath her. Once she was a little older we didn't have anything in common really. I didn't dislike her but she annoyed me. We've only become really close in about the last maybe 4 years as she was in her late teens and early 20s.

I think your DD would feel more lonely, not less, if you have another baby. She’ll have to share your attention even further.

I don’t think your desire for a fourth child is unreasonable - we can’t choose broody or not, it’s biology. But I wouldn’t act on it at your age and the stage your family is at.

For us, financial implications, worry about complications and impact on older DC (every pregnancy is risky to the mother, regardless of age, that’s always in my mind) mean head wins heart any day.

Oh god no, don't do this.

My friend has a tiny and the rest of us have eight year olds. It's such a massive pain in the arse working everything round a toddlers needs.

You'd be knackered. And poor. And you'd end up with a child saying but mum, I want a sibling to play with, and be back at square one. Where does it end?

A biggish age gap as children ( 5 years plus? ) probably means they won’t play much when young, but they’ll have each other when they’re older, there’s a big difference between a 10 year old & a 15 year old, but 30 & 35? not much difference at all.

Do what you feel is best for everyone, for the long term.

Ridiculously selfish to risk saddling your children with a disabled sibling because you want to ‘feel baby toes’ again. The risks are huge. Yes other women have been fine but many have not.
You talk about how a perfectly healthy baby will fit into your life? What about a disabled one? Not so shiny and bright looking now.

diamond I am now 34,my sisters are 42 and 44 but we are not close and never have been, so the OP shouldn't count on the fact that they will be close as adults because it isn't always true.

If you are happy to do it op then go for it, I take my hat off to you, I've got three, they're 1,4+5 any more would definitely kill me lol. I am actually going to make it my mission to persuade my dh to have the snip. Good luck with what you decide!

We have 3 with a 6 year age gap.
It s perfect for us and we re happy and chaotic.

However I wanted to caution you - the age gap is so big - the girls don't reallt 'play together' and older Dd was really rocked when dd2 arrived, she didn't like having a new sister or baby for a long time. She really struggled and we had to put in a lot of work with her.
It rocked her confidence I remember her asking 'were we not enough for you mummy' at one stage.
Now she s fine, we made huge efforts to spend 1-1 time with her while still blending our family. However she did resent the baby and struggled with the changes it brought to the dynamics and practicalities

Don't have another because of your DD. By the time any potential new baby was old enough to play with she would be going to secondary school and would have no interest in entertaining a toddler. You could then be left with a toddler who needs someone to play with and 3 secondary school aged kids. At a time when you could be getting a bit more time for you and life hopefully getting easier with childcare etc. I'm sure no one would ever regret having another but it would be fairly life changing for the next 15-20 years for you.

Don’t have a baby to give a child a sibling. Especially with such a big age gap. Your daughter wants a friend to play with, not a baby.

Just enjoy the children you have.

I usually think Go for it! when people are prevaricating about having another baby... Being a 5th child myself, I love a large family....However, in this case I'm thinking No!!
A new baby isn't really the answer to any of the situations you outline- apart from your biological clock ticking...

The new baby would never be a playmate for DD- the age gap is way too much-and it might easily be a boy. Why don't you focus on helping your daughter make friends or deepen friendships, have friends over, do some activities where she can form friendships etc.

Your husband does not seem on board at all. His most encouraging comments were when he was drunk - and he back tracked to a more neutral position when sober.

Your age is also a consideration (I'm a late mother myself- had DC2 aged 40) but not a reason in itself not to go ahead.

There would be a big impact on your existing children which they probably can't foresee themselves. Even if they are keen, what they want isn't always what's best for them!