AIBU- to have a 4th child?

[Ameliel]

Posting here as I just would like your opinion on…should I go on to have a 4th child??
Background: So, I am happily married to DH of 16 years, we have 3 children: DS 11 years, DS 9 years and DD 7 years. I am nearly 41 and for quite few years now thought that our family is all complete, that’s it, no more babies… until DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with, (the boys usually play “boys stuff” together, and she ends up alone…) something I really feel sorry for her as I am one of three girls and always loved having my sisters around. I do feel she is missing out for not having a younger sibling to play with. (yes I secretly long for another girl but if it was a boy I know we would all love him to bits regardless! )
And then during one tipsy evening out recently, DH suggested we have another baby! I initially just laughed off his tipsy suggestion but then started thinking…. And got more and more broody! I then had a serious conversation with (now sober) DH, this time he was more like; no way, we are done with babies!
…But I can’t get this idea off my head! I would really want another baby, just to complete my family, and just to feel those tiny baby toes one more time… And after some more conversations with DH he has now said he is happy to go for it, if it makes me happy. He was not too hard to convince and I think he would really like to have another baby too (certain things he says, the ways he notices babies around us when we are out) but is worried about finances and how hard life would become with a 4th one in tow. We are both self-employed and I work from home, negotiating work and childcare with varying success…we are comfortable but worry about finances is never too far from the surface.
So here’s the question: Am I totally bonkers to long for a 4th child??? I am worried that :
a) I am too old?? (risk of birth defects etc with older mums, even if we were lucky enough to conceive)
b) the age gap between the youngest and my 3 current children would be too much… I don’t want the little one to grow up almost as an “only child”. In your experience, if the age gap is 8+ years, how do they get on?
c) would it be really tough, 4 DC compared to 3DC?? I know we would need to upgrade the car and kiss goodbye to foreign holidays for a while, but how did you find the jump, when you went for the 4th child?
So basically I would just be really grateful for your opinions and experiences in a similar situation, please. Thank you in advance!

I had my first at 34, my second at 39. Both my children were very easy going, content babies, both times I had no problem with bf, no heealth issues at all. However, second time i found the sleepless/ half slept nights more difficult, running after a toddler definitely less fun, my patience levels decreasing too. I am 44 now. Even in a situation in which it could be guaranteed to me that a third child could be completely healthy, going back to sleepless night, nappies, bf and weaning, potty training etc are complete no-nos for me/us. And I am not even talking about finances, child care costs and logistics etc. A few days panic last month got us seriously thinking about all these and at least for us the reality is clear: our family is complete, no more babies for us. Even though Dd (5) would probably love a little sibling and DS (9) loves babies.

I also like the thought of him having a much older brother and sister in his life as he grows up.

There’s 17 years between my dad and his nearest sibling. His brother was in the army and sister married with children when he came along. He’s spent his life pretty much as an only child. His siblings certainly haven’t been any sort of support to him - he's close with his nieces and nephews, who are around the same age as him.

I'd also be concerned about your husband agreeing 'If it makes you happy'.

Firstly, that says to me that he's doing this for you not because he actually wants it. Secondly, what if it doesn't make you happy? What if your baby has health issues or even simple colic and screams all the time and it's actually just fucking hard work and stressful? What if you feel exhausted with sleep deprivation, stressed out because your older children are suddenly needing lots of extra reassurance and support that you don't have time to give etc etc, and this whole thing was supposed to be 'to make you happy'? What if you get post natal depression?

For that matter, what will happen to your self employed husband and your children if you get any serious pregnancy-related illness such as hyperemesis, pre eclampsia or something else and have to be on bed rest or even in hospital? Not to mention your own self employment. Neither of you even have the fall back of sick pay, maternity leave etc. Your pregnancy will be classed as high risk due to your age - and is it really a risk that your existing children can afford to take?

I think that 3 dc is plenty to be getting on with. A relative of mine has 4 dc and last holiday it cost him nearly 1500 euros just to go on holiday somewhere basic because the plane tickets = × 6

1500 just for the flights - obviously the hotel and everything else was extra, so 2000 euro just to go away for 4 days.

I wouldn't. Focus on what you have.

I think most people's get that 'Oh another baby' urge, but it tends to pass.

I guess the bottom line is: there is no rule that happiness and fulfilment increase proportionately to the number of kids you have.

It’s perfectly possible to be happy and fulfilled with 0,1,2,3,4 ... children. Of course there are many variable which will affect how happy and fulfilled you are... if you are desperate to have children and can’t, then no children might make you very unhappy, and if you don’t want children, or are very keen to stop at the number you have, then accidentally getting pregnant could be disastrous. What makes one couple fulfilled can be another couples nightmare.

So the only reason to have another child is if you and your husband genuinely feel you want another person in your family, with the age gaps you have, and you are confident it won’t negatively impact your existing children; whether you have the emotional, financial and practical resources long term. Of course you will love the child if you have him/her (as you no doubt would if you had a 5th and 6th!) So I would say, make this decision with your head not heart, because loving a potential child isn’t enough reason to bring one into the world.

So Far the reasons you’ve suggested- missing cute baby toes, your dd feeling lonely and your dh drunkenly saying ‘why not if it makes you happy’ IMO are really not good reasons to consider creating another person!

mintich Haven't you ever considered the environmental impact of a family with four children? It's obscene.

We are the same age and our children are too.... Same DD7, DS9 & DS11.
Our DS9 is severely disabled (functions 18-24months) so DS11 and DD 7 have always played together. They do play Ninjago and Nerf guns but yesterday they pulled out baby Annabelle and LOL dolls and obviously water!

I don't know if I'm just lucky that my two can invent games between then or maybe my DS11isa little behind.

Either way I would never consider another child (we do have an eternal baby) but the 8 year old has been will be too much. If it's another boy she will still have boys games to play. If you both feel a bit broody, than a puppy would be your best option!!!!

Thank you all for all the comments and talking some hard sense to me. It is incredibly hard to admit to myself but I am trying to face the fact that I'm too old, 3-4 years too late; the ship has sailed. You are right, it is not the right thing to do for many reasons and I am trying to get over myself (and my hormones!) and enjoy my 3 beautiful children. I know I'm very lucky with what I have.