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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- to have a 4th child?

85 replies

Ameliel · 16/08/2018 23:39

Posting here as I just would like your opinion on…should I go on to have a 4th child??
Background: So, I am happily married to DH of 16 years, we have 3 children: DS 11 years, DS 9 years and DD 7 years. I am nearly 41 and for quite few years now thought that our family is all complete, that’s it, no more babies… until DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with, (the boys usually play “boys stuff” together, and she ends up alone…) something I really feel sorry for her as I am one of three girls and always loved having my sisters around. I do feel she is missing out for not having a younger sibling to play with. (yes I secretly long for another girl but if it was a boy I know we would all love him to bits regardless! )
And then during one tipsy evening out recently, DH suggested we have another baby! I initially just laughed off his tipsy suggestion but then started thinking…. And got more and more broody! I then had a serious conversation with (now sober) DH, this time he was more like; no way, we are done with babies!
…But I can’t get this idea off my head! I would really want another baby, just to complete my family, and just to feel those tiny baby toes one more time… And after some more conversations with DH he has now said he is happy to go for it, if it makes me happy. He was not too hard to convince and I think he would really like to have another baby too (certain things he says, the ways he notices babies around us when we are out) but is worried about finances and how hard life would become with a 4th one in tow. We are both self-employed and I work from home, negotiating work and childcare with varying success…we are comfortable but worry about finances is never too far from the surface.
So here’s the question: Am I totally bonkers to long for a 4th child??? I am worried that :
a) I am too old?? (risk of birth defects etc with older mums, even if we were lucky enough to conceive)
b) the age gap between the youngest and my 3 current children would be too much… I don’t want the little one to grow up almost as an “only child”. In your experience, if the age gap is 8+ years, how do they get on?
c) would it be really tough, 4 DC compared to 3DC?? I know we would need to upgrade the car and kiss goodbye to foreign holidays for a while, but how did you find the jump, when you went for the 4th child?
So basically I would just be really grateful for your opinions and experiences in a similar situation, please. Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
MyLifeInTheSunshine · 17/08/2018 08:42

I’m your age with children slightly older. I’ve never stopped being broody for a baby, but for me the reality of having young children in my 50s sobered me up.

In your case, your youngest current D.C. will be starting secondary school when your baby is starting infants. She is unlikely to be a playmate for the younger one. You’ll very soon be in your mid-late 40s with three teenagers and a young child. At 50 you’ll still be doing the schoolrun...

That may not bother you - and I know plenty of people have children in their 40s - - but that really helped me make my decision not to have anymore children. It’s not how I see the next decade of my life.

JellyBaby666 · 17/08/2018 08:43

Have you considered fostering? My mum and dad couldn't have more children after me (sorry mum) and they started fostering about 20 years ago and my permanently broody is so happy. Not quite your solution and it comes with its own challenges but also hugely rewarding and if you have babies/young children satisfies the urge for a teeny baby!

BarbarianMum · 17/08/2018 08:46

What will you do when your 4th one is sooo lonely? Are you really so secure financially that you can maage a 4th one, even in a few years, even if jobs/health/life circumstances change?

TanginaBarrons · 17/08/2018 08:47

My kids are 12, 10, 7 and 8 months and the older siblings universally adore her. She has brought a lovely energy to the house and they all say she is the best thing that has ever happened to them.

She has stretched all our resources - physical, emotional and financially to breaking point having said that and i feel permanently guilty that we have spread ourselves too thin. Tempers get frayed and the boys have had to get used to putting themselves to bed etc. They never ever resent her and I don't regret her for a second - how could I? But be aware that I don't think having her was the most sensible idea!

MusicalMouse · 17/08/2018 08:48

Also ask your gp about the risk of having twins! +1 for getting a puppy

TanginaBarrons · 17/08/2018 08:49

I had my first at 27 and am now 40 btw - haven't noticed any major difference in energy.

RiverTam · 17/08/2018 08:49

The new baby won’t be a playmate for your DD and won’t have any playmates in the family itself. So you could end up have two children complaining that they’re lonely. So that’s a rubbish reason to do this. And having had a first child at 38 it’s very knaxkering when you’re this old.

I think it’s too big a gap and will make your family very disjointed.

C0untDucku1a · 17/08/2018 08:56

Yab massively u from an environmental POV.

What if the baby is a boy with additional needs. Instead of a toy to play with, she will become pushed out as her baby brother’s needs are more aignificant and time consuming than hers.

Have more playdates and sleepovers with yours daughter’s friends.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/08/2018 08:59

Short answer - yes. For all the reasons that have been posted by everyone else.

Do you really want to go back to the sleepless nights, nappies, weaning, toddler groups, soft play, the constant demands on your time etc etc?

3stonedown · 17/08/2018 09:04

I wouldn't in your position. For starters by the time the baby will be old enough to play (18 months or 2ish?) your DD won't be fussed anymore.

I wouldn't want to give up holidays for my existing children for another baby.

RedDwarves · 17/08/2018 09:05

Well, I think it's irresponsible for anyone to have four children in 2018, but that's beside the point really.

You'd be insane to have a baby for your daughter's sake. By the time the "baby" is old enough to engage in play, your daughter will want nothing to do with him/her. The age gap will remain immense until they are both into adulthood.

Dljlr · 17/08/2018 09:06

I can never understand the 'need' for a sibling as justification for having a baby, but then mine is an only and I can never have another. I agree with others that your DD won't gain anything through this other than perhaps a close relationship when they're older; a 7 year old will get no companionship from a new baby. Personally I think you'd be completely bonkers to have another on this basis.

jellycat1 · 17/08/2018 09:08

I don't think you're too old but I do think 3 would be more than enough for me and yes you'd be bonkers to start all over with that age gap and with what you've said about strain on finances. Just the thought makes me want to lock myself in a cupboard.

tenbob · 17/08/2018 09:12

DH is the 2nd of 4, with a 10 year gap between him and the youngest, and 8 years between the 3rd and the youngest

The first 3 are all close but the youngest isn't.
There is a bit of resentment over how she was raised vs them
By the time she hit her teenage years, the older ones had all left, so she had undivided attention and money from her parents.
It's a long running family joke how she got driven to school where as they all had to walk, she got new bikes and big parties for her birthdays where they didn't get much because the parents didn't have time or money with 3 of them

They also just didn't spent that much time living together because the older ones had moved out before she was even in secondary school

I'm one of 4 but with 10 years between oldest and youngest, so we all had the same parenting experience.

Clionba · 17/08/2018 09:14

Have you considered adoption?

TittyGolightly · 17/08/2018 09:16

DD started telling me on daily basis that she is Sooo Lonely as she has no-one to play with

My almost-8 year old does this too (and I’m the same age as you). She’s an only, and will remain an only for many reasons, including:

*It’s not fair to have a child in order to entertain another child
*There’s no guarantee siblings will get on, regardless of age gap
*When we explore what she has said she isn’t actually lonely - she has friends that she sees a lot of and lots of hobbies that she loves - but just wants what she sees other children have like she does with toys.

It may just be an age thing, a phase, and I’m not sure creating another person (or 2 or 3 Shock) is the right thing to do in that case.

mintich · 17/08/2018 09:29

@reddwarves out of interest, why is it irresponsible to have 4 children in 2018?

namechange02837492 · 17/08/2018 09:30

I'm one of four. I love my brothers/sister, but in reality I barely see them. My parents couldn't cope with four children and so I really don't think our upbringing was great. My mum was very stressed with it (she was a SAHM) and shouted a lot. The quality of life goes down with each additional child after 2 in my opinion.

Gnomesoftheglaaxy · 17/08/2018 09:34

I only have 3 but do have big age gaps. There is 7 years between my first 2. My daughter is 21 and son 14 now. They get on really well and mostly always have. Also when she was a teen she liked the chance to baby sit in the evenings for extra pocket money. They now go for days out together etc.

I've just had my 3rd at 39 so huge gap with the other 2. Like a pp said I'm really enjoying him and making the most of mat leave knowing he will be my last. I also like the thought of him having a much older brother and sister in his life as he grows up.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, plenty of people have big age gaps and babies in their 40s.

LaurieMarlow · 17/08/2018 09:42

YABU. Quite aside from the reasons stated, you should be thinking about the environmental impact, because let's face it, 4 is a large family.

At 41 your hormones will be trying to convince you to have a last hurrah. Ignore. You have a fine family as it is.

APermanentlyExhaustedPigeon · 17/08/2018 09:52

My sister is 8 years younger than me. To be honest, we went through phases where I enjoyed spending time with her, and then would get jealous of missing attention - however I was also a typical middle child in that sense, so your DD may not have the same issues. We went through a year or so of her being “so annoying” to my teenage self (definitely my issue, she was actually really cute) but I have to say we are very close as adults, and I definitely spend much more time with her than my brother, even though he is only a couple of years older than me.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 17/08/2018 09:57

I'd also say no purely because the age gap between your youngest & potential new baby is far too big for them to have any common ground & be playmates so considering this is the main reason for you starting to think about this it's a rubbish reason.
There is 8 years between me & my twat of a brother, we have nothing in common.

SerenDippitty · 17/08/2018 10:06

I do feel she is missing out for not having a younger sibling to play with.

She is old enough to know she can’t have anything she wants just because she wants it.

I grew up with one older brother and never felt I was missing out on anything. Don’t remember ever wishing I had a younger sibling.

Families come in many forms. Being part of a family is what matters, not what form it takes.

aims331 · 17/08/2018 10:10

My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me and came into the world at a really difficult part of my childhood and I started puberty early.. all the focus was mainly on him and me and my other brother had to be very independent. My behaviour actually spiralled out of control at that point and I started doing bad things for attention (didn't even realise I was doing that at the time but looking back the timing makes it too much of a coincidence. Yes some other people will have good stories but it was incredibly difficult growing up with a big age gap. I barely know him now (he is very shy and I moved out when he was in primary school...) We hardly know each other and it's actually sad. Me and my other brother are both very close and our age gap was about 2 years. When my youngest brother went to primary school my other brother got physically poorly and I became mentally unwell so he didn't really get much support or help at all. Now he has a lot of social difficulties and is very very quiet with everyone. Doesn't help that my parents were abusive but the addition of another sibling later in childhood was very very difficult as a separate thing.

Diamondlife · 17/08/2018 10:23

aims331 so sorry to hear about your difficult childhood, but you’re right to point out that having a baby when your existing children are heading for the turbulent teenage years isn’t always a good move.