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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want FIL as my GP!

118 replies

curlycats · 15/08/2018 20:36

Had to NC for this as DH knows my usual username.

Before I start off, FIL is a lovely man and nothing is too much trouble. My problem isn't with him, it's with my DH.

I'm pregnant with our first child and FIL just texted me to remember to take my iron tablets. I found this quite weird so texted him back asking if DH had told him about my low hemoglobin count? Turns out DH has showed my maternity notes to FIL several times. I contronted him just now when he got in the door.

My maternity notes - as I am sure they all do - have lots of personal stuff in it; it mentions I've had a miscarriage before I met DH and describes my anxiety attacks etc. I felt so betrayed finding out he'd show all this to FIL without even telling me.

DH is now pissed off because "he only wants the best for the child and that FIL can look out for any potential issues and give advice if needed". Please tell me I am not the one being unfair!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 15/08/2018 20:37

He had no right whatsoever to show your notes to anyone. FIL should not be reading your notes without your consent.

marsbarsandtwix · 15/08/2018 20:37

Of course DH should not have shown him this without asking you first. YANBU

HelloSunshine11 · 15/08/2018 20:38

Is your FIL an actual doctor?

I would be absolutely livid with my DH had he done this. I can see where he's coming from but he's massively overstepped the mark IMO.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 20:38

Omfg! That’s absolutely terrible behaviour from your dh. Um guessing your fil is a Doctor? I’m amazed he agreed to look at them if so. My dad, sister, sil & cousin are all doctors. They are all very careful about not breaking any codes of ethics. I think your fil has been unethical here.

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/08/2018 20:38

I would find this a bit much too. Wouldn't mind them discussing things (general not specific to you) but showing your notes was a step too far.

Original poster
curlycats · 15/08/2018 20:39

Yes, he is an actual doctor.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 20:39

I would be FURIOUS!

And your FIL shouldn't have looked at the notes - surely he knows that?

endofthelinefinally · 15/08/2018 20:39

FIL should have refused to read your notes. That was very unethical and unprofessional.
Your DH has behaved very badly.

Mumshotel · 15/08/2018 20:39

I would not be happy

namechange2pointoh · 15/08/2018 20:40

Your title is misleading. There isn’t a situation where your FIL may become your GP!! Your FIL is being an interfering fucker, due to the failing of your DH - that is your issue.

HoleyCoMoley · 15/08/2018 20:40

Your dh had no right to discuss this with anyone without your knowledge and permission. Is your fil a doctor or a retired Dr, if so he should have known better and said this is breaking confidentiality. I would be majorly pissed off and would keep my notes locked away. The only excuse I can think of is your dh is excited about being a first time dad.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 15/08/2018 20:40

You are right to be pissed off. Maternity notes, like any medical notes are very personal. You need to get this across to DH, it’s not ok for him to be sharing your private medical history like this

Original poster
curlycats · 15/08/2018 20:41

Tbf, DH has admitted he's told his father that I wouldn't mind as I'd only want the best for our child. FIL was very embarrassed and called me right away.

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 15/08/2018 20:43

Ah, so fil is a doctor. You and dh need to speak to him, you dh needs to apologise and explain to his dad that he got a bit over excited about being a dad and that he is not to discuss this further, your own g.p. Is more than capable.

Snomade · 15/08/2018 20:43

That's terrible. I would be extremely cross.
Is your DH apologetic?

Gazelda · 15/08/2018 20:45

I'd be absolutely furious with DH. I don't know how I'd forgive him.
He's forgetting that the baby is being carried in your body which nobody has the right to discuss or share personal details about.
Your FIL has behaved unethically.

Incrediblepregable · 15/08/2018 20:46

God, threaten to report your fil for breaking patient confidentiality, I’m sure that would put it into perspective for your DH. Then hide your notes and make it clear it’s because you can’t trust him. Make a stand now for respect !

pastabest · 15/08/2018 20:48

Will FIL also deal with DH do you think?

I would be utterly fucked off about this.

KurriKurri · 15/08/2018 20:49

Well the immediate consequence for me would be that your DH no longer sees your notes - he has no right either, it is your choice whether youshow them to him or not. But he has completely betrayed your trust.

I assume bu saying he wants 'what is best for your child' this means he has no faith in your GP or midwife ? Because actually there is absolutely no need for an unrequited 'second opinion' unless you have any concerns (and then again it is your choice not his) Being pregnant does not make you public property and does not mean that you lose bodily autonomy.

Your DH has seriously ,seriously overstepped the mark, I would be beyond furious and would struggle to trust him with any information after this.

And yes your FIL was out of line too - but it sounds as if your DH misled him - maybe FIL should have a firm word with his son?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 15/08/2018 20:51

Threatening to report fil for breaking patient confidentiality is a little harsh!

Dp clearly wants to ensure all goes well as he’s excited about baby, op feels dp went too far involving fil, fil wants to do the right thing by his son and new grandchild.
Chill people!

ThatFridayFeeling · 15/08/2018 20:52

Your fil is not the problem here, it's your dh. I can't blame your fil entirely if dh said you wouldn't mind seeing the notes but fil should've known better and checked with you first.

happypoobum · 15/08/2018 20:53

Agree with PP - DH had no right to show your private medical notes to anyone.

I would tell him you won't be able to confide future information to him in case he blabs it, and you will keep your notes locked away so he cannot get his paws on them.

I would be livid,

BareBum · 15/08/2018 20:53

You are the patient here, no one else. The rules about confidentiality don’t change because you’re pregnant. Your DH has been outrageous and your FIL should not have read your notes without your permission.
They are both at fault here but I would be furious most of all with DH. What a betrayal by him.

Fromage · 15/08/2018 20:53

Does dh not want the best for you, including respecting your privacy and giving you a husband you can trust?

Does dh not think you want the best for your baby?

Was FIL not bound to only discuss YOUR maternity notes with YOU, not someone else, even if that's his son/your dh? I'm not sure what level of confidentiality he is bound to, as a dr, in this case.

I would be livid. Hiding the maternity notes livid.

mostdays · 15/08/2018 20:54

FIL probably realises he shouldn't have looked without confirming with you personally that this was OK. I'm glad he called you immediately and hopefully he's assured you he won't be doing that again. Your DH really needs to understand that what he did was wrong- maybe your FIL will explain to him? I expect he's very angry to have been lied to (even though he still should have known better). Not that it should need anyone else telling your DH- if he really isn't understanding when you tell him this is a problem that's pretty rubbish.

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