To not want FIL as my GP!

[curlycats]

Had to NC for this as DH knows my usual username.

Before I start off, FIL is a lovely man and nothing is too much trouble. My problem isn't with him, it's with my DH.

I'm pregnant with our first child and FIL just texted me to remember to take my iron tablets. I found this quite weird so texted him back asking if DH had told him about my low hemoglobin count? Turns out DH has showed my maternity notes to FIL several times. I contronted him just now when he got in the door.

My maternity notes - as I am sure they all do - have lots of personal stuff in it; it mentions I've had a miscarriage before I met DH and describes my anxiety attacks etc. I felt so betrayed finding out he'd show all this to FIL without even telling me.

DH is now pissed off because "he only wants the best for the child and that FIL can look out for any potential issues and give advice if needed". Please tell me I am not the one being unfair!

Your DH made a mistake, but his heart was in the right place. If FIL is a dr, then it’s natural,that he wants to share the pregnancy with him, and to get advice from him.

It wasn't a mistake - everyone knows medical notes are confidential, OP's H just thought he could ignore that because he wanted to.
And it's not 'The' pregnancy, it is OP's pregnancy - she is the person who is pregnant, it is happening to her body, and the things that are happening to her body are hers to share or not as she chooses.

The fact is two men decided to take matters into their own hands and not afford her the rights that everyone is entitled to. Because in their eyes she has become ' the pregnancy' first and an autonomous person second.

I imagine FIL is probably kakking it now though - he certainly should be.

Your husband has compromised his dad professionally and you personally. I hope he's shamefaced and apologetic. YANBU. You have every right to be angry.

Appalling behaviour from your DH. I completely disagree with PP, his heart wasn't in the right place. He was being selfish and has breached your trust. He has a lot of making up to do

I work in the NHS. There's been a lot of comments about fil breaking patient confidentiality - to be clear, FIL was not acting in his capacity as a GP towards the OP as she is not HIS patient. There is therefore no breaking of "patient confidentiality". As a FIL who happens to be a GP, he should've checked the OP was ok with him reviewing her notes but that was strictly in his capacity as her FIL, he was not HER GP - therefore she is not his patient.

Your problem is your DH. Can he not see how this is a massive invasion of your privacy? You're a person, not just the vessel for his child!

I would be absolutely fucking livid.

Fucking hell I’d be apoplectic

OP both you and your FIL need to make it clear to your husband his behaviour his not on.

It is clear your husband lied to his father about it being OK to read your notes. Being his son of course your FIL trusted he was telling the truth.

Make sure you tell your FIL that if you have any health concerns during pregnancy that you want extra advice about, you will talk to him personally and will not go through your husband.

And from now on lock your maternity notes away from your husband as if he can't ask his dad he will be on Google, and you don't need the extra stress.

I’d lose my fucking mind over this.

My second pregnancy I was seriously unwell and my notes detailed the extensive mh problems I was having including a diagnosis and other issues that I’d want nobody to know. I guarded those notes like my life depended on it. If my fil had seen and had knowledge of my conditions off the back of reading my notes without my explicit consent I’d report him. I really would. Hell with family niceties, if a dr had gone through my medical notes just cause someone I happen to be in a relationship with had said so, gloves would be off.

I don't understand how your husband has a copy of your notes.

FIL was not acting in his capacity as a GP towards the OP as she is not HIS patient. There is therefore no breaking of "patient confidentiality".

The thing is, as is very clearly stated in all information governance training, which everyone has to take is that You are only ever have permission to access the information you need to do your job in caring for the patient. FIL had no job to do caring for the patient. As a relative and future grandfather of course he cares and is interested but he absolutely should have known that he was doing the wrong thing reading the OP's notes unless she herself said it was OK. Which she hadn't.

I don't understand how your husband has a copy of your notes.

Don’t most people have their notes at home and take them to appointments?

I am shocked at this! Your dh is totally unreasonable, he has massively betrayed your trust.

I think your fil has been stupid not to check your consent but was lied to by your dh. I hope he tells him how he has compromised his career.

I think if i was in your situation I would need some space to consider if this was something I could get over.

Your DH is failing on one big issue.

They are YOUR medical notes. So nothing to do with hm.

The fact you are carrying his child is irrelevant.

You are not a vessel: this is YOUR body and your private stuff.

Your FIL should NEVER have accessed your notes, EVER without YOUR consent. Your direct consent. He will know this -it is very serious.

I would send a simple text -Dear * I am shocked that my medical notes have been accessed by you, without my permission. I do feel my privacy has been broken and I'm upset about it. Although you are a doctor, if I need help or advice from you I will ask -I'm sure you understand that I'm feeling a little shocked. **

Both are at fault. You didn't ask him to access your notes, your DH's permission is NOT yours and that is a clear breach. FIL should not have read the notes and not offered any advice -unless you asked him.

Your DH needs a massive kick up the pants. Massive. I'd have a full on strop.

It is useful to have doctors in the family -we have a family full here. Highly useful for avoiding A&E etc and other stuff BUT no one would access anyone's notes or test results without being asked etc. eg if some test results were printed out by my mother for her blood tests and she wanted one of us to look at them to give her a second opinion -we would. But...... if said test results were handed to me by my Father -I'd refuse. Likewise if they happened to be on the side on the kitchen -I wouldn't look or mention it. I've asked both siblings about specific things related to their direct areas about myself and my children but never ever would they dream of accessing any paperwork. Maternity notes keep them with you.

DH may have been brought up with the attitude, that his Dad knew everything about his medical health etc and may have been treated by him -but he is will know about patient confidentiality.

I would be mega pissed off. It smacks of controlling behaviour -like you aren't capable of following any advice by midwife etc Very Big Brother like ...........

@ConferencePear most (but not all) people have a paper copy of their maternity notes to take to appointments as they aren't seen by one HCP.

In my case I've been seen by a hospital consultant, hospital midwives, community midwives and GPs. The GP practice and the hospital use different systems so the only easy way they can share data in a timely manner is my maternity notes.

My folder is kept out in the open in case they need to be found in an emergency. I only move them if I have younger children who can read around.

Sounds like it's dealt with TBH. Your FIL is probably used to family requesting an informal second opinion and thought nothing of it. He's phoned and apologised so I doubt he would look again without your express request.
Your husband on the other hand was being sneaky. If he thought you'd be ok with it he would have spoken to you about it earlier.
Your FIL being a GP would have heard it all before and you've nothing to be embarrassed about. I doubt he would be sharing and of the info that he got but you might want to confirm with him that he'll treat you personal medical info with professional discretion and stay confidential.

Tell your husband you expect a full copy of his medical notes to be delivered to your parents. After all, they're entitled to know whether their grandchild might inherit anything nasty from him, aren't they?

Your DH needs a short sharp lesson in understanding that you are an actual person, not a vessel for his child. Your rights to confidentiality seem to have provided him with exactly zero seconds of pause in this matter. It’s truly shocking!

Get very business-like, OP. Ask DH & FIL for all copies, notes, texts etc relating to your medical status to be instantly deleted and destroyed. Take your future files in hand yourself, no one else gets a peek.

Reclaim your body. Perhaps in other ways, too.

I'd be buying myself a lock-box and ostentatiously be putting my notes in it and locking it in front of DH. That was a massive, massive invasion of your privacy. I assume he took your notes and then returned them, but just to be sure I'd be asking him if he by any chance made a copy of them 'for himself'.

I'd apportion the blame as follows: 80% to DH for showing the notes AND lying about it AND then getting all self-righteous. 20% to FiL for not stopping to think about privacy rules before he looked at them. I'm sure GPs get asked by family all the time for opinions and to 'take a look' at medical stuff and he probably assumed it was the same thing. He'll know better next time.

What prompted your DH to show his dad your notes several times? Did FIL ask to see them or was DH keen to get his dad's opinion and asking him to look?

@FrayedHem I strongly doubt FIL would request to see the notes. HCPs have better things to do with their spare time especially if they aren't concerned with the GPs practice and/or hospital doing the treatment.

Your FIL being a GP would have heard it all before and you've nothing to be embarrassed about

Being a GP doesn't give him carte blanche to look at whatever notes because he's "heard it all before". This isn't about embarrassment. It's about two men deciding they know better than the OP how to look after her and her baby. Note this came out when the FIL texted her to remind her to take her iron tablets. It's not his business to remind an adult to take supplements or medications.

Note that the "D"H said "he only wants the best for the child". He's not concerned about the health of the OP, or at least that's not the motivation. He's trying to take control of the OP's pregnancy and using his GP father to do it. And the FIL is going along with this to the extent of assuming that the H can give consent for the OP's notes to be looked at and that he can then give advice.

It stinks. And at the very least they both need strong reminders about whose pregnancy this is, whose body this is, whose privacy this is. Yes, husbands can and should be involved. But this way, way oversteps the line.

FIL was not acting in his capacity as a GP towards the OP as she is not HIS patient. There is therefore no breaking of "patient confidentiality".

I really do not follow that logic. I've worked in patient records. If we'd all followed the logic of "well they're not my patient therefore I'm not breaking confidentiality" we'd all have been reading everything.

Whatever clearance we had, you only looked at what you needed to look at. If you were in doubt, you didn't look. Being a GP is one of those jobs that you cannot really pick up and put down. The FIL was clearly asked to look at the notes in the context of him having clinical knowledge, otherwise there would have been no need. So there has been a breach of trust and confidentiality. There's a distinct doubt over whether he needed to look at all so he really should have checked directly with the OP. He's just assumed his son can speak for his DIL on important medical matters.

Essentially they’re treating you as an incubator and the baby as the patient not YOU.

Your DH is who I’d be saving my anger for however.

I would be absolutely furious OP.

Firstly, they are YOUR medical notes. Even your DH has no right to them. Mine never looks at my notes unless I explicitly show them to him, because he knows he has no right to them. The idea that your DH would actively take your private medical information and share them with a third party (regardless of who thst third party is in either a personal or professional capacity) without permission is disgusting.

Secondly, what if you had gone to retrieve your notes for a telephone call or unexpected maternity visit and found that they were not where they should have been? Pretty irresponsible of him on that level as well IMO.

Thirdly, you have a maternity/medical team dedicated to the wellbeing of both you and your child, who is currently residing in your body. They are perfectly positioned and qualified to look out for any issues, potential concerns and provide relevant advice.

And fourthly, if your DH is pissed off because he only wants the best for the child, he is failing to consider that you also only want what is best for the child, and currently that includes what is also best for you, which is not having your private, CONFIDENTIAL medical history and information shared with people without permission.

Your DH should be apologising profusely and realising that he has royally fucked up, not giving you attitude over it.