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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want FIL as my GP!

118 replies

curlycats · 15/08/2018 20:36

Had to NC for this as DH knows my usual username.

Before I start off, FIL is a lovely man and nothing is too much trouble. My problem isn't with him, it's with my DH.

I'm pregnant with our first child and FIL just texted me to remember to take my iron tablets. I found this quite weird so texted him back asking if DH had told him about my low hemoglobin count? Turns out DH has showed my maternity notes to FIL several times. I contronted him just now when he got in the door.

My maternity notes - as I am sure they all do - have lots of personal stuff in it; it mentions I've had a miscarriage before I met DH and describes my anxiety attacks etc. I felt so betrayed finding out he'd show all this to FIL without even telling me.

DH is now pissed off because "he only wants the best for the child and that FIL can look out for any potential issues and give advice if needed". Please tell me I am not the one being unfair!

OP posts:

TheIcon · 15/08/2018 20:54

He cant have felt that embarrassed if he read them. Report him to the authorities. That is despicable professional conduct.

llangennith · 15/08/2018 20:54

I'd be furious with DH too. You know from FIL's subsequent reaction that it won't happen again but your DH needs a stern talking to.

BareBum · 15/08/2018 20:57

Don’t let DH have access to your notes again. He might whine about it being his baby too but you can tell him that he will have equal access to the baby’s medical notes once it is born. Until that point, medical notes are yours and yours alone.

Your DH is not to be trusted.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 20:57

Tbf, DH has admitted he's told his father that I wouldn't mind as I'd only want the best for our child. FIL was very embarrassed and called me right away.

Eh? But you said in your op that he reminded you to take your iron tablets and then you said oh did Dh tell you, which is how you found out he’d seen your notes?

He can’t have been that embarrassed of he was telling you to take tablets instead of “oh I fucked up massively by agreeing to read your notes without getting your permission first”.

butlerswharf · 15/08/2018 20:57

It's totally unacceptable!

namechange2pointoh · 15/08/2018 20:57

You are the patient here, no one else

That’s kind of the point. The OP is NOT the patient. The OP is the wife and DIL of these people.

She is a patient when she sees her doctor/midwife, at home she is simply “curlycats”

Leeds2 · 15/08/2018 20:59

I would not allow DH to have any more access to the maternity notes. End of.

diddl · 15/08/2018 21:02

How has your husband got access to your notes?

So FIL is a GP?

Presumably you are receiving good care & FIL isn't a specialist who would likely know any better?

Even if so, there is no excuse at all for what your husband has done.

Utterly disgraceful.

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/08/2018 21:05

I would actually be beyond furious, who the fuck does he think he is?? Surely he will be furious with the position his son has out him in too? Although you'd think he'd have been more professional and just said "happy to discuss her notes but not with you, either her or not at all" I would be seething with both of them

Tink2007 · 15/08/2018 21:09

I completely understand your anger.

I had a similar situation with my first DC. My mat notes were on our sofa as I was getting ready to go to an appointment. My MIL had unexpectedly popped round. I went into the bedroom to get something and came back to see her reading through them like they were a copy of the TV Times. DH was also in the room and didn’t think to stop her.

Apparently because she’s a midwife it made it okay. Erm, no. It really doesn’t. I was so angry and upset.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 15/08/2018 21:12

I suspect your partner's concern for the baby has led to him overseeing how he has MASSIVELY betrayed your trust.

I'd lie by making a passing reference of some sort about how you had discussed a hugely private issue of his with your mum/father. Use his reaction to illustrate how you feel about this.

TheIcon · 15/08/2018 21:12

Actually I'd be asking the old cunt if he's pleased that he has stopped himself from having any relationship with your child. He's clearly not to be trusted in any way, shape or form and i would keep the bairn away

The more I read this, the more annoyed I get.

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 21:13

YANBU. DH is being ridiculous. If he wanted to ask his dad about a specific issue (low iron or something) I could totally understand but why on earth would he show him your maternity notes. Complete invasion of privacy.

diddl · 15/08/2018 21:14

"Actually I'd be asking the old cunt if he's pleased that he has stopped himself from having any relationship with your child. "

Does that also apply to Op's husband?

24carrot · 15/08/2018 21:16

YANBU! What reason did your DH give? Is he concerned about something? Not that that is any excuse, I’m just trying to understand what’s behind it all.

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/08/2018 21:16

From what the OP has said, I am assuming that her FIL thought she knew he's seen the notes as her DH said she was OK with it. He only realised when she queried the iron reminder.

I just had a booklet that I carried round, I don't think it had that much detail in it tbh - so I am surprised. You FIL read them because your DH asked him to (and why did your DH have the notes?).

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/08/2018 21:16

Certainly not a reason to stop him seeing the baby, don't be ridiculous!

namechange2pointoh · 15/08/2018 21:17

You know the DH let the ‘old cunt’ read the notes, so the fault lays entirely with him, not the FIL.

Gabilan · 15/08/2018 21:18

Yes, he is an actual doctor.

Then he really, really should know better. It is a serious breach of patient confidentiality. As PP have said, you are not public property just because you're pregnant.

I'm not sure what action I would take. But ballistic anger would be the start of it and I would definitely not allow DH access to anything confidential for a considerable period roughly speaking his lifetime

AdoraBell · 15/08/2018 21:18

YANBU. I would ask FIL to put your husband through the wringer for sharing your medical information inappropriately.

Maybe tell his son that he could cause serious problems for him looking at notes without the patient’s permission or a Doctor/midwife asking him to review something. Even if it’s not true, just lay it on thick.

apriljune12 · 15/08/2018 21:18

The op and subsequent posts don’t make sense to me.

He told you to take your iron tablets/he then apologises for seeing your notes without your permission?

diddl · 15/08/2018 21:20

"Then he really, really should know better. It is a serious breach of patient confidentiality."

Perhaps he should have known better than to believe his liar of a son?

Kardashianlove · 15/08/2018 21:20

Surely your FIL should have checked with you first though before looking at them, regardless of what DH said?

I don’t think I could trust either of them again after this. Your DH reaction to you confronting him, being pissed off and his comment about ‘only wanting the best for the baby’ seems a bit concerning too. I’m wondering if there are other issues.

Ohhbollix · 15/08/2018 21:21

For God’s sake really? Take a breath dear.

Rebecca36 · 15/08/2018 21:21

Nobody should share medical notes without a patient's consent. I'm not surprised you are upset, so would anyone be. I'd consider it highly inappropriate and embarrassing for my father in law to be in on everything and, really, he should have known better.

Make sure your husband never does anything like that again. You are entitled to privacy.

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