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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel shit about what happened in bed

77 replies

Leo86 · 15/08/2018 18:12

So my and my DP were having sex one evening. I can't remember clearly of what happened. It happened so fast and I don't know if I am just making a big deal out of it.
My DP was trying to pleasure me orally. I don't always like when he does this but I was up for it. So he was being busy 'downstairs ' and I sort of started moving with the rhythm. It was good but at some point I told him to be careful with his beard then he told me off quite badly (well I feel like that but maybe I am wrong) and sort of made fun of how I was moving and that I was rubbing my lady bits all over his face. This made me feel awful. I was just lying there, naked, felt so vulnerable and I had to try hard to not to cry. We finished sex after this and I tried to stay as still as possible. This is not the first time he told me off in bed and honestly he probably fed up with me not letting him 'lead' in bed but on the other hand I felt like I didn't deserve that. I still think about it and it doesn't feel good but on the other hand I am sure he would have his valid points about the situation or how controlling I can be. I don't know...what do you think ?

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 15/08/2018 18:18

It's really tricky trying to change something you don't like in bed. It seems easier to move the focus to something you do like. Sounds like oral isn't great. You need to have a calm and quiet conversation about how it made you feel. He may have taken offence at the beard remark but no way should make fun or criticise. It's worse than criticising someones driving. or parenting, You just don't do it

Original poster

Leo86 · 15/08/2018 18:19

I really don't know. I might just have too much time and overthinking the situation.

OP posts:

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 15/08/2018 18:21

Moving into the rhythm of this is completely normal and a natural response. He wasn’t kind to make you feel bad about it.

Nikephorus · 15/08/2018 18:21

This is not the first time he told me off in bed
Please tell me this is going to be one of THOSE threads where everyone leaps in to say LTB because I'd actually be agreeing. No-one gets to tell you off in bed (unless you're role-playing!). People do things differently and like different stuff. There's no right and wrong, there's just individuality. He sounds like a bastard.

Secretsquirrel101 · 15/08/2018 18:22

It really depends on what you mean by 'told you off'

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/08/2018 18:23

Maybe he felt like you 'told him off' about his beard.

I agree with the PP, it does depend on what you mean by told you off. What exactly did he say?

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 15/08/2018 18:23

sort of made fun of how I was moving and that I was rubbing my lady bits all over his face

Isn't that the point of oral sex? That you get something out of it?

What is the point of him, if you can't even have sex without treading on eggshells?

Nikephorus · 15/08/2018 18:24

Moving into the rhythm of this is completely normal and a natural response
Totally! I thought you were supposed to - it shows they're getting it right!!!! I could understand if you were going 'up a bit, left a bit, no you're getting it wrong, oh fuck it I'll do it myself' but unless your 'moving into it' involved you physically getting out of bed he's bang out of order.
Did I mention I thought he was a bastard?!

Jupiter9 · 15/08/2018 18:25

Perhaps he wants to be bed boss for a change.

GoatWoman · 15/08/2018 18:28

That's a normal thing to do and partner's are usually turned on by the fact that what they're doing has the required affect!

He sounds like a crap lover. How old is he? Is he of the porn generation where image is everything?

Ohyesiam · 15/08/2018 18:29

But I thought the whole key to good sex was asking for what you want and not doing what you don’t want? How can you feel safe ( and therefore sexy , loving, connected) with him if he criticises you like this?
And since when is it controlling to just not taking anything you are given? Either it flows naturally or it’s a negotiation.
It sounds like he is insecure and thought you were criticising his technique, so started throwing his toys.
I would get a new boyfriend who is open and receptive to your wants and needs , and enjoys exploring what gives both of you pleasure.
Your one sounds like he he has some serious hang ups.
Sex should be fun, otherwise what’s the point.

Original poster

Leo86 · 15/08/2018 18:29

Okay. From my side I might have moved a bit too much. Maybe he felt I was trying to take control ove?! I wasn't but I just wanted to be involved and go with the flow rather just lying there like a log.
He just frowned at me. Just like pulled up looked at me with a 'for fuck sake' expression and told me (and demonstrated) if I wasn't moving that fast on her face his beard wouldn't be a problem. I really don't know how else to explain

OP posts:

SlowlyShrinking · 15/08/2018 18:31

Is the reason you don’t always like oral because he’s often not very good at it? He sounds like a right twat

John4703 · 15/08/2018 18:31

Moving into the rhythm of this is completely normal and a natural response. As a man I love it when my wife responds that way. It means we are both having a great time and I can't understand why anyone would not want the pleasure to be mutual.

Original poster

Leo86 · 15/08/2018 18:34

I want fun sex, I am aching for fun sex and feeling loved and cared. I can't tell how much my body wants to be wanted (geez that sounds odd but I don't know how else to explain it). I want him to want me and hot for play and oral sex and kissing and I want him to tell me what he wants but he never does and I am going bananas.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/08/2018 18:34

This really centers around the beard hair then.

You said to him to be careful with his beard hair. You moved quite a bit (nothing wrong with that at all) and he said that if you didn't move so fast then the beard hair wouldn't be a problem?

I think it's a bit of both tbh.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/08/2018 18:35

That’s fucking shit OP.

I had similar once - a boyfriend made fun of my ‘cum face’ when I was 18. It made me so self conscious that I genuinely can’t orgasm through sex. Might seem stupid to some but it’s horribly when you’re at your most vulnerable to be made to feel you’re somehow in the wrong

Nikephorus · 15/08/2018 18:36

if I wasn't moving that fast on her face his beard wouldn't be a problem
Ah well the problem is obviously that YOU'RE enjoying it - you're not supposed to. He's the important one and he gets the fun. You get to lie quietly and thank him and applaud his prowess when he's done satisfying himself.
Dump him and ask John4703 to introduce you to a friend of his instead.

Original poster

Leo86 · 15/08/2018 18:37

Sometimes I don't enjoy him being down there. I don't feel like he enjoys it but saying that he shows no emotions during sex.
I love a bit of oral sex bit giving and getting it but I started being put off by giving him a BJ as he doesn't respond at all. Like nothing. 0 . I want him to enjoy it and I want to know if I can do something different but he never says anything. And yes I have asked him.

OP posts:

Freshstart19 · 15/08/2018 18:38

Sounds like he just isn't good at it and when you try point out how you like it, he gets the humph because he can't take a bit of constructive criticism.
He sounds like a but if a control freak to be honest.

My ex didn't like it when I moved under him during sex. Said I made him feel inadequate. Probably because he couldn't be arsed trying.

If you're moving it's because you are looking something.

AnoukSpirit · 15/08/2018 18:40

Maybe he felt I was trying to take control ove?!

Wild guess but does he call you controlling on a regular basis whenever you think for yourself, don't immediately cave obediently to whatever he wants, or stand your ground?

Because that is the context in which you keep describing yourself as controlling, and that is the complete opposite of what it means.

On the other hand, him making you feel shit about yourself when you were in such a vulnerable situation is a nasty, controlling move. People who love us don't do that.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 15/08/2018 18:41

Sounds like his poor technique more than anything. Sometimes if DH isn't quite hitting the spot I'll shift or thrust to encourage him there 😂 he gets it and understands and switches things up to "help"

To be fair I've even told DH once as clear as day " are you trying to run it off man?!" He just laughed.

He has also had the odd comment about me, but we never say them nastily it's more you get on cheek and it often ends in fits of giggles.

If he can't take honest criticism over his technique then I'd bin him as your never going to enjoy it fully with him.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 15/08/2018 18:42

*rub it off
And * tounge in cheek

Sorry autocorrect is a bugger this evening.

PurpleRobe · 15/08/2018 18:42

The "telling off" thing sounds kind of mutual. You told him off about his beard and he took it badly and was awful of him to make you feel bad / vulnerable by taking the mickey out of you. That's not on.

I am more troubled by the fact you then proceded to inrercourse when it sounds like you didnt want to?

I couldn't imagine either party being up for it after that exchange tbf

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/08/2018 18:43

He has a beard. He's not compatible with you sexually. Either one is reason enough to LTB.

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