To feel shit about what happened in bed

[Leo86]

So my and my DP were having sex one evening. I can't remember clearly of what happened. It happened so fast and I don't know if I am just making a big deal out of it.
My DP was trying to pleasure me orally. I don't always like when he does this but I was up for it. So he was being busy 'downstairs ' and I sort of started moving with the rhythm. It was good but at some point I told him to be careful with his beard then he told me off quite badly (well I feel like that but maybe I am wrong) and sort of made fun of how I was moving and that I was rubbing my lady bits all over his face. This made me feel awful. I was just lying there, naked, felt so vulnerable and I had to try hard to not to cry. We finished sex after this and I tried to stay as still as possible. This is not the first time he told me off in bed and honestly he probably fed up with me not letting him 'lead' in bed but on the other hand I felt like I didn't deserve that. I still think about it and it doesn't feel good but on the other hand I am sure he would have his valid points about the situation or how controlling I can be. I don't know...what do you think ?

Why are you with this prat?

Ditch him pronto. Its not worth wasting your time with someone who cares so little about your feelings.

I don't know. I really don't believe anyone can give me advice on here. All relationships have 2 sides to these stories and I would so want to talk to him about this but I am scared. I don't want to argue and I don't want drama but I want to know if I made him feel shit or think that I want to control. And most importantly I want good sex.

He was the one who made you feel shit because of his own insecurities.

Don't second guess yourself.

Men who do things like this have a deep seated belief that women shouldnt enjoy sex.

From my side I might have moved a bit too much. Maybe he felt I was trying to take control ove?!

Too much? What does that even mean? You should be able to do what you feel. And so what if you were trying to take control and make it pleasurable? Jeez, none of this is ok.

I suspect he is not confident and so is touchy about any criticism. I understand that but he has no right to tell you off about anything. What a shit thing to do.

Don't let him get away with it. Don't feel like it's your fault cos it isnt.

He's probably had a lifetime of girlfriends 'faking it' up to now.

Scratchy beard is the worst, especially if you're going to be eyeballed for trying to get into a pleasurable position.

Next time you give him a blow job take a sheet of sandpaper to his balls and see how he likes that.

You where joining in as you didn’t want to be like a log, you complained about where his beard was ending up he commented that if you weren’t moving so much his beard wouldn’t be in places you don’t want it.

Plus his emotionless during sex in general and you want to be shown emotionally how good you/it is. Sounds like a bad sexual set up full stop tbh.

My honest opinion... you're both getting into it, and he feels it's working because you seem to be reacting positively...

...but the moment is lost because his beard is irritating you.

At that point, he feels stupid. It's an irrational reaction, but it's likely what he felt. From going from 'great lover' to 'it's not working for me' isn't going to be a pleasant moment.

So he's immediately reacted by criticising your technique / movement too.

It's silly, and it's from embarrassment (I feel). If you'd continued and orgasmed over him, he would not have complained in the slightest, of that I am sure.

You need to talk to him and explain the beard thing. He needs to understand how sensitive a vulva is and it's nothing to do with him per se, but a beard rubbing against it can eventually start to hurt. There are products to soften his beard, or he can try to change technique to minimise the rubbing, or just lose the beard.

If it were me, I'd lose the beard, but it's a big deal for some men.

Not wanting something coarse and spikey rubbed on a sensitive area is common sense, if he's offended by this to the point of making the whole situation uncomfortable then he's a dick and honestly I wouldn't want to have sex with him if he made me feel like that. I'd rather go without sex than made to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when I'm at my most vulnerable. If that led to the end of the relationship then so be it.

Talking to him isn’t going to change the emotional part you either are or arnt. Unless you want him to fake it and that will just come across sarcasticly.

Talking can help - it's worth trying.
Some things that ought to be obvious between people sometimes aren't, and if nothing gets said, then they are allowed to fester.

Before you know it, he is doing something he THINKS you like, and 10 years down the line, you've still not told him. It won't get easier, it'll get harder.

If he doesn't want to listen to listen after you've talked about it, then that's a different issue.

Why not make something sexy out of shaving his beard? Tell him it would turn you on to have a smooth face kissing you? would / could that inspire him enough to lose the beard? He can grow it back later, and shave it off again too if need be.

If you don't believe anyone can give you advice then why are you bothering to ask opinions? Just stay with him and your substandard sex life then

He's rubbish in bed and controlling to boot. If you want good sex, you need to find someone else.

Leading in bed is all well and good providing you're leading in a welcomed way.
The problem he has is that his ego is making a right mess of things and if you try to give him a 'path' to follow - he is taking it personally.

Dominating you (or at least taking the lead) isn't really about forcing his will on you. It ought to be about listening to you, anticipating your needs and steering you down paths you want to go down, not pushing you down them.
I like to liken it to driver and co-driver. He's driving, but you have the map. If he's not listening to the guidance, he's gonna crash.
He seems to think it's a magical bloody mystery tour and he's deciding all the stops.

Anyone can have an 'off session' in bed but it doesn't sound as if he's very in tune with you. Somebody who really desires you wouldn't have time or inclination to tell you off - and to be honest, if you were that turned on, you wouldn't notice a bear, you'd just be blissed out with what he was doing.

I don't know about your relationship, only you do. I think I'd rather not have a partner and be free to find my mate to have great sex with. Not this.

Sorry, Leo, you sound really upset. You did nothing wrong, not at all. It's easy to say 'cut him loose' but you may have your reasons not to do that. Just know that you did nothing wrong and I'm sure you're lovely and responsive.

Yes, there are two sides to every story, but if you're scared of talking to him, and he doesn't make you feel loved and wanted, then this is the wrong relationship.

Leave him, there's a man out there who will make you feel loved and wanted, but you're not going to meet him while you're stuck with this guy.

Blimey. Does he not know how flattered most men feel when women enjoy their oral sex technique?

Maybe he felt like you 'told him off' about his beard.

Sorry, no. He's the one who is supposed to be giving HER pleasure at this point in the experience, so telling him that his beard can be uncomfortable isn't "telling off", it's giving feedback on how to keep it pleasurable for her. He was being fucking petty by making fun of how she was moving. Moving is a natural physical response in sex, and he was trying to shut her down.

It doesn't sound like he is terribly invested in how she feels about sex.

I’m shocked he had the audacity to speak with his mouth full. Very bad manners indeed.

lol Saggital!

Stick sandpaper on your vulva and tell him to lick his way through it before he gets to you...

that might give him an insight into the effect of his prickly beard.

I think OP’s posts taken together show that it’s not six of one, half a dozen of another here. She wants to have fun sex, to feel desired, and his lack of response, criticism and general attitude means it’s not happening.

If this isn’t a guy who basically hates women enjoying sex, then at the least he’s uptight and inhibited about sex, probably embarrassed and hates the perfectly natural sounds and movements of enjoyment. I mean, so fucking what if you were talking too much control? Most men in my experience would bloody love that, they love women joining in wholeheartedly and those little shifts in power, who’s leading the action, how you respond to each other, that’s part of the dance and fun of sex.

I don’t think he’s going to change really.

I think this is just one of those things tbh, things do go a bit wrong during sex and communicating it is really really hard in the moment... I mean how can you tell someone what you want without criticising what they’re doing right now? And having sex makes you vulnerable so the humiliation is greater... it’s just cringe. It happens though OP, it’s not life changing stuff

I don't think he's necessarily mr terrible, just based on the OP.
He's a man, we can be ego centric. We want to think we're all great lovers, but we aren't.
We can learn to be better ones though, but that costs - it costs us to listen to what's not working and accepting it. I think that's where he's at.
He has an idea about what should work, and wants to feel in control. The moment she's tried to tell him his beard is starting to bother her, he's turned into a teenager and lashed out verbally.

He needs to start learning rapidly though - if he does, he'll get his reward in heaps. If he doesn't, he will be very lucky to find a woman who will react the same way, time and again to a prescriptive methodology for sex.

He sounds like a total arsehole. Controlling and manipulative and dismissive. Oh and a shit lover too.

He wouldn't get into my bed anyway, not with a beard. Dealbreaker for me I'm afraid. No way would a man with a beard be getting sex with me. Not even a kiss. Vile things.