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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 15/08/2018 18:00

If you don’t like what she feeds him don’t rely on her to look after and feed you ds. My mum gave ds jelly for breakfast once. Not the best thing but he survived and I made him eat some fruit later.

BrokenWing · 15/08/2018 18:05

She doesn't respect your position as top dog.

Ludicrous statement and exactly why this situation has occurred, she's not Caesar Milan! OP had the choice, she could think MIL is treating him to fish n' chips tonight while providing free childcare again, I'll give him healthy meals the next couple of days to compensate as I am the one responsible for his overall wellbeing. Or she can go in all control freak and guns blazing marking territory as top dog Hmm resulting in multiple blazing rows in front of her son with someone who also loves him and is doing her a massive favour!

OP, what are you all teaching your son about resolving conflict and compromise? It was all over a bag of chips, you all really did overreact on this one.

FrayedHem · 15/08/2018 18:05

*I'm just trying to make the point that the Op doesn't have a greater moral right to decide what the child eats for tea, over the grandmother.

She is acting as if she is the person who should have power over the child, but actually she isn't.*

I think the majority of posts have said the OP was over the line with trying to forbid the fish supper. Without speculating on what might happen if the child's father were to die.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 18:06

I didn't think that much could shock me on here, but calling rhe mother in law a cunt and the husband not much better succeeded.

Well done stormi. Take a bow. You even out did the op in over reactions there.

As as for rhe poster who commented that the op and her husband get equal say in raising the child, then states the husband should have supported the op in the same post, can you really not see the contradiction there. Either he has a say or he does not. His say was it was fine. In your opinion he gets equal say, why should his opinion then not count and he should support the op?

And seriously. It was a fish and chip supper. 🤣

JohnnyKarate · 15/08/2018 18:06

OP in this instance you were totally over the top and probably should apologise to your MIL and your DS. But I really think you need to speak to your DH about how you are feeling about everything.

Please ignore the people saying he is not your real son. You clearly care about your DS a lot. Don't let the comments about custody upset you. He is your son you have parental responsibility for him with your DH, not your MIL.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 18:13

It's really not the end of the world for a child to have that food twice on one day as a one off.

However I think this is the leaf on top of a growing tree.

You have taken on a child and have vowed to be the best Mum you can. And sounds like you've done an amazing job but you don't have to be super Mum and provide a perfect diet etc the whole of his life.

Likewise as you said mil undermines you over lots of things and you've fought back afraid of what happens with your new LO.

I would try and talk to both dh and mil. Explain you know you over reacted and why and agree some ground rules.

Newbabies15 · 15/08/2018 18:20

Parents are top dog though. Someone has to be. Yeah there's compromise but I suspect op has been compromising a little too much and flipped over a bag of chips.

lazyhazysummer · 15/08/2018 18:24

I get the idea that MIl thinks she has more authority than you because he's not your birth son. I think it's time for a good talk between you all. She needs to know he's your son and you have parental rights. But, i don't think this was a good time to blow up. What should have been a nice treat for nana and grandson was spoiled unnecessarily, bad timing imo.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 18:26

To be fair if I was comfortable with my child staying with their grandparents over night then for that night I would abdicate top dog to them, they would be in charge. You either trust them or you don't. And this kid is 12 he's not an infant. They were not in some way being irresponsible.

The bottom line here is the op said no he couldn't have fish and chips
then went nuts and the father said he could. Both parents have equal say. The ops opinion does not carry more weight than the fathers.

I still can't see why he couldn't have fish and chips. Offering to give her food to cook in her home, or to cook a meal for the child herself is quite offensive, and then to top it off to drive over there to bring him home and stopping his sleep over becayse he was going to have fish and chips is way, way over the top.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 18:26

Clairetree1
You are a foster carer and adopter yet you talk about people having power over a 12 yo child. Interesting language. [ hmm]

Glad I’ve never had need of you because all I see is a lot of goady fuckery telling a woman with parental rights that she isn’t important to her ds and mil simply because she isnt blood.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2018 18:29

Bluntness
I do agree it is way ott and makes op look controlling. But as several people have stated this is probably the last straw.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 18:31

Parents are top dog though. Someone has to be

she does not "trump" the grandmother.

grandmother is a blood relative who has been there since birth and has always been deeply involved with the child.

OP is a complete stranger who arrived randomly in the child's life purely due to having a relationship with his father, and CHOSE, and some stage, presumably in the latter half of the child's life, for her own agenda, to go down the route of getting a legal claim over the child. The child had no say. The grandmother had no say.

Its nice that she is so involved and so caring, but this does not in any way displace the grandmother, who is his grandmother and always has been and always will be ( whereas most adoptions ultimately fail)

So I'll say again, it isn't the grandmother undermining the OP that I see in this scenario, it is the OP undermining the grandmother.

Shockers · 15/08/2018 18:31

Honestly, I’d have more of an issue with the McDonalds breakfast. Why don’t you keep his diet clean at home, then what your MIL gives him won’t matter so much.

You really shouldn’t have made such a fuss in front of your DS though- that will have been very uncomfortable for him.

Clairetree1 · 15/08/2018 18:32

you talk about people having power over a 12 yo child

its not me, its the OP, who seems to think she is entitled to power over this child.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 18:33

The fish and chips are irrelevant really. They are the straw that broke the camels back. The Op feels undermined and used the opportunity to try and address this, yes it went a bit tits up and everyone got angry but hopefully OP can salvage her relationship with MIL by sitting and talking to her and explaining how she feels.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 18:35

Mummy agree, it's the only reasonable explanation.

It looks like a power struggle to me. The op doesn't like her mother in law. But this was a ridiculous battle to take. And to use the child as a pawn does not show love. And she did use him as a pawn, that's why she went to get him. Against the grans wishes, the child's wishes, and I assume his fathers wishes too.

Because ultimately it's not that the mother in law said he could have fish and chips. It's the fact the father said he could. That's key, the father said it was fine.. His decision carries just as much weight and it was ludicrous of the op to take that argument and then to such an extreme she over ruled them all and used the child as her weapon,

Over fish and bloody chips.

SaucyJack · 15/08/2018 18:36

I agree that fish and chips are a junky supper.... but was it really worth driving over to stage an intervention over a bit of batter?

Plus, as others have said, he’s 12. You can’t stop him going round to his Nan’s for a bag of chips- and you shouldn’t want to. It’s the school holidays. It’s nice for him to spend time with family.

Chill out, or your son will end up resenting you for it. You need to apologise to him.

Nononannette · 15/08/2018 18:46

Yabu. There's probably more to it but at face value you're creating hassle over nothing. I had to check back to be sure he wasn't a baby, he's 12!

Jimdandy · 15/08/2018 18:49

Yes ywbu it’s one day does it really matter if he has a chippy tea as well one day. You were being precious about it.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 18:51

Op did you bring him home after his fish and chips, not let him have his sleep over ? You clearly had an argument with her when you were there to get him also. Did you go over there, fight again and bring him home?

Is this power struggle actually with your husband? You didn't need to tell us about the fact he's not biologically yours. It's not relevant to the story, nor is the fact your pregnant with your "first".

Throughout your post you refer to this child as "my son". There is no "our son". No recognition that this child has a father who has a say.

So is the back story it's not so much the mother in law, it's your husband who feels he has first say with the child?

Stormi12 · 15/08/2018 18:56

How can anyone say the mil trumps the child’s mother???? She is mom. Doesn’t matter how she came to be mom

Mil doesn’t know her place.

Set this bitch straight before she tries pulling this shit with your new baby. Fuck her and her meddling.

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 18:58

I can see why you might be having the occasional mother in law problems there stormi 🤣

combatbarbie · 15/08/2018 19:00

When me and DH argue it's usually over trivial crap but with loads bubbling underneath, I do think it's a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation....in isolation YWBU but after 9yrs of the continual behaviour then no you aren't, and hormones will not be helping x

Stormi12 · 15/08/2018 19:01

Bluntness. Her stating the facts are relevant. Mil feels she has power because she is biological grandma. Op is giving relevant backstory to her current plight.

avocadoincident · 15/08/2018 19:01

I don't think YABU, she doesn't respect your boundaries and you've put your foot down. I had a good screaming row with my MIL when I was 8 months pregnant and it really helped. She now is a little more tentative and daren't walk all over me. X

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