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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help in dealing with toxic(?) DM?

79 replies

NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 17:56

Name changed as these details will be identifying and I don’t want them linked to my account...

My DM cares for my DD whilst I am at work and has done for the past 10 years and is therefore looking after her during the summer holidays. So as not to dripfeed, DM has a history of anxiety and depression, currently medicated following a round of CBT.

DM has been making comments to DD which I consider to be manipulative. For example, when DD said she didn’t want to go food shopping with DM and that she wanted to stay at home (she’s old enough so it’s fine), DM said ‘well, I guess I’ll go on my own then, I’ll just struggle’.

Or similar with walking the dogs, DD doesn’t want to go, DM replies, “well, it’s only me who does it anyway, it’s so lonely walking on your own’.”

DD is 13 and I do not want her subjected to these comments. She texts me whilst I am at work to tell me what is happening but I don’t know how to address it. I have raised some of these points with DM before and she has denied them and said that DD is lying. DD has recorded one of the exchanging as proof before as she is so frustrated that DM denies it all.

DM does this with me and my brother too, though he is still living at home and often takes the brunt of it but asks me for advice.

Has anyone got any experience with this? How can I address it with her without upsetting her and can I give DB23 any advice? He’s currently at home saving for a deposit and I know it affects him a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:19

Anyone? 😞 AIBU even thinking that it’s a problem?

OP posts:
Pondering1 · 14/08/2018 19:23

Didn't want to read and run. It's a tricky one as ultimately are you willing/able to afford not having her babysit worst case scenario ie DS unhappiness or via a fall out? Doesn't sound like you can have an adult conversation either your DM if she is lying!

Accountant222 · 14/08/2018 19:24

I agree she's being manipulative, some people have a way of making other people do what they want them to do. Not sure how you could fix it though.

Silentnighttwo · 14/08/2018 19:25

I take a rather different view.

I think your DD is being manipulative. She damn well should help her gran with the shopping and dog walking, it’s the least she can do considering gran has helped her/you for last 10 years. Instead your DD is moaning to you and making trouble!

achoocashew · 14/08/2018 19:25

Given your dm has looked after your child for TEN YEARS!!! maybe tell your child not to be so selfish and get off her bum and go to the shops and walk the dog with her grandmother who seems like she has done you a massive favour instead of taking her for granted!!

Some people!!!

Pondering1 · 14/08/2018 19:25

DD that should say.
Any loving grandmother once learning that she upsets her granddaughter you would think would quickly change their ways and be mortified at their accidental actions.

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:26

Does your DD have additional needs? If not then I think you are being unreasonable for a couple of reasons.

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:33

DD is not without her faults, I am in no way saying she is an angel but I really wouldn’t expect such petty responses from DM.

DM doesn’t like doing things on her own and has form for guilt tripping both DB and I if we don’t do things the way she wants them done/when she wants them done. Shopping and walking the dogs are just two examples of her confusing behaviour.

DB has witnessed the behaviour too so can confirm that it isn’t just DD being a typical teen. I wouldn’t just take DD’s word for it as I know how things can come across sometimes.

OP posts:
HarryDaylight · 14/08/2018 19:35

Your DD has resorted to recording conversations to prove that they took place as she has been accused of lying. Surely your alarm bells are ringing?

Pinkyponkcustard · 14/08/2018 19:36

I think your only option is to find other childcare.

TidyDancer · 14/08/2018 19:37

That's not toxic behaviour imo. It sounds like your dm might be lonely. You shouldn't let your dd get away with laziness like that though, she should be helping out and you shouldn't be indulging her here.

The only thing I have a slight issue with is the lying, but equally your dd recording your dm to catch her out is very unkind.

Pompom42 · 14/08/2018 19:37

Sorry I think your DD is at fault here. At 13 she is still a child and should be helping her gran out. If my DD was staying at her grans and not helping her with the shopping or giving her some company whilst walking the dog I would be having a stern word with her!

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:38

Of course alarm bells are ringing, but I don’t know how to deal with it.

Financially I can’t afford alternative childcare and I don’t want to make the relationship with DM sour.

And for the PP who asked, no, DD does not have additional needs.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 19:39

Your poor DM

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:40

I am not seeing the problem with the comments. Is she non-confrontational? So maybe instead of saying "get up off your bum and put your shoes on I need help" (which is what my DM would say to my 13 year old ) she is trying to explain that she needs help in another way? Not ideal but not abusive.

Why is your DD not just doing it?

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:41

The recording of the conversation wasn’t to catch DM out, more to get DD herself out of the punishment I had enforced for her constant lying as DM had put it.

I accept that DD is at fault sometimes but at 13 I was out playing with friends rather than being made to feel guilty for not staying in with my DGM.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:41

Why does she need childcare if she is fine in the house alone anyway?

MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 19:42

So what if she martyrs

Think I bloody would if I were her

Why on earth are you putting on her and expecting all her time when you are fully aware she is having some issues.

Selfish

junkfoodforever · 14/08/2018 19:43

I think maybe there's more to this than the 2 scenarios you described? If so I'm afraid I agree if you have an issue then find alternative childcare, tough as it is.
You could discuss with her & should if it will make u feel better. But I think she'll still behave that way & perhaps be worse if she truly is manipulative.

HarryDaylight · 14/08/2018 19:43

Then it sounds to me that your DM is making your DD's life hell. Your DD is being called a liar. That's enough.

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:44

Tess I think there is a difference in being fine in the house for an hour and being fine in the house for 10 hours whilst I’m at work.

DM would take serious offence if DD started to stay at home all day alone anyway, which I’ll need to address at some point as DD gets older anyway.

OP posts:
junkfoodforever · 14/08/2018 19:44

Didn't mean to sound unsympathetic btw. Really is difficult for you

hairymoragthebampot · 14/08/2018 19:47

Your DD is 13. Why is she unable to stay in her own home or see friends or go to clubs? She doesn’t need childcare! Also it sounds rather petty stuff, her gran asking for help with the shopping or going out with the dog! Your DD could easily do both. I thought this thread was going to be about a ‘toxic’ mother. However it turns out she has happily provided free childcare and because she makes comments when her granddaughter refuses to help her she is now ‘toxic’. Your DD recording her is appalling too, not sure what you have been saying to your DD or what she has heard but the fact she is recording and letting you hear sounds like she is playing you.

MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 19:48

'That's not toxic behaviour imo.'

Not imo either

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:48

@NicknameChangeroo

I thought she would be out playing?

How far away does DM live?