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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help in dealing with toxic(?) DM?

79 replies

NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 17:56

Name changed as these details will be identifying and I don’t want them linked to my account...

My DM cares for my DD whilst I am at work and has done for the past 10 years and is therefore looking after her during the summer holidays. So as not to dripfeed, DM has a history of anxiety and depression, currently medicated following a round of CBT.

DM has been making comments to DD which I consider to be manipulative. For example, when DD said she didn’t want to go food shopping with DM and that she wanted to stay at home (she’s old enough so it’s fine), DM said ‘well, I guess I’ll go on my own then, I’ll just struggle’.

Or similar with walking the dogs, DD doesn’t want to go, DM replies, “well, it’s only me who does it anyway, it’s so lonely walking on your own’.”

DD is 13 and I do not want her subjected to these comments. She texts me whilst I am at work to tell me what is happening but I don’t know how to address it. I have raised some of these points with DM before and she has denied them and said that DD is lying. DD has recorded one of the exchanging as proof before as she is so frustrated that DM denies it all.

DM does this with me and my brother too, though he is still living at home and often takes the brunt of it but asks me for advice.

Has anyone got any experience with this? How can I address it with her without upsetting her and can I give DB23 any advice? He’s currently at home saving for a deposit and I know it affects him a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:49

I am not putting this on her. When she was at her worst I changed my working hours to allow me to do school pick ups etc so DM could take some time to herself but she insisted that the continuity of the school run and having DD at home with her was helpful and not having the routine was detrimental to her.

There are a lot more situations that have come up but I could be here all night going into them, and they are situations that show the impact of some of DM’s behaviours on my DF, DB and myself.

I want to be able to resolve this in a way that will have the least impact on my DM’s mental health but I cannot deal with the constant guilt-tripping of DD and of me when I see her.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 14/08/2018 19:51

'When she was at her worst I changed my working hours to allow me to do school pick ups etc so DM could take some time to herself'

This is surely a wind up

Givemestrengthwtaf · 14/08/2018 19:52

Surely at 13 she can be left on her own for a short while and doesn't need looking after by your mother every day.

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:52

@NicknameChangeroo

There may be loads more but unless they are substantially worse than the two mentioned (in which case why use those as your examples) I don't think it makes a difference.

You sound really petty.

DD should feel bad for not helping your DM with shopping, she should feel guilty because your DM would benefit from her help but DD can't be arsed.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2018 19:53

If your dm suffers from anxiety I can completely understand her not feeling able to do these tasks on her own. At 13 I'd have been doing the shopping for my GM tbh. In fact I used to pop to the supermarket at 10 to get a few things in for mine and I'd accompany her to mass occasionally too as she suffered terribly with agoraphobia and anxiety.

Your dd needs to stop being a little madam.

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:54

She would be out playing if DM would allow it. DD tells me (and DB confirms) that DM tells DD that she can’t spend too much time on her own because what would DM do whilst she’s alone?

DD does spend time with DM (baking, tidying up, cleaning, plauing games) so it isn’t a constant battle of ‘no I don’t want to do that’ but when DD does say that she would prefer not to walk the dog (for example) she is met with the aforementioned responses and I don’t know how to address that in a way that won’t offend.

DM is about 20 minutes away from mine but really bad public transport links.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:54

@MarthasGinYard

Thanks for quoting that I missed it somehow.

I hope it is a bloody wind up. The entitlement is shocking.

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 19:56

She would be out playing if DM would allow it

So your DM won't let DD go out at all? I would have lead with that in your OP.

Original poster
NicknameChangeroo · 14/08/2018 19:59

Obviously DD is allowed to go outside sometimes, she isn’t held captive. But DM will tell her that she needs to be back inside otherwise it’s not fair on her (DM) having to spend so much time on her own.

I appreciate she is lonely but I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 20:05

@NicknameChangeroo

If it's got the point it has than surely your DM wouldn't be offended if you asked for a rethink of the rules?

You could come up with a list of jobs your DD has to do to help out (ie help with shopping, some housework, walking the dog) and what times DD is allowed out. Do it as a blanket thing to help everyone, everybody knows where they stand and what to expect, all sit down and work it out together.

As for the comments I suggest your tell DD to get a thicker skin.

Sparkletastic · 14/08/2018 20:06

You either accept your DM's shortcomings and continue to use her as free childcare or you pay for your child to attend a holiday club. Don't waste time hand-wringing or attempting to find the perfect way to make her see the error of her ways. You've known her all your life - if a few well chosen words could change her surely they would have done by now?

heartsease68 · 14/08/2018 20:07

You're allowing your DD to be looked after by someone who is not, to put it mildly, life-giving.

You're then allowing your DD to be caught up in the sordid and morally questionable business of secretly recording her grandmother and texting you about her (how appreciative of you both).

You sound as bad as each other.

heartsease68 · 14/08/2018 20:08

Exactly who is this arrangement really benefiting, other than you and unhealthily feeding your DM?

I'd live on beans before subjecting my daughter to that.

CSIblonde · 14/08/2018 21:24

I think your DD should help.
Depression & anxiety and managing a teen on top is a lot when you aren't firing on all cylinders. Your DM probably feels a bit overwhelmed: help with 'small stuff' (which 'seems' huge if you are very down) can make a massive difference to your mood at such times. My neighbours teen always lifts my mood when I'm down: she's great company & loves helping, whether it's chores, painting, shopping etc.

CherryPavlova · 14/08/2018 21:55

You and your daughter sound thoroughly spoiled and manipulative . I’m sure granny is a little demanding but by golly she’s given an awful lot for very little in return. Tell your daughter to be kinder. Be kinder yourself. Toxic is a horrid way to describe a mother who has allowed you a better life by providing your childcare.

PrettyLovely · 14/08/2018 22:04

Agree with CherryPavlova ^^

ShadowCatt · 14/08/2018 22:45

I doubt she'll change no matter how kindly or politely you put it. Not after all this time.
I agree it's not healthy,but are you willing to put your money where your mouth is and take DD out of the situation?

Surely this has been going on for years,it's just most pronounced now as DD is finding her voice and being more independent. What have you done about it so far?

CaptainCucumber · 14/08/2018 23:05

Do t know why you are getting such a kicking here OP.

Does no one remeber being a 13 year old girl?! She is a teenager likely changing a lot, not an elderly ladies paid companion! It’s completely unfair to expect her to sit around with her grandma all he time, she should be building her independence and forging her own life.

OP - could you remind your mum that DD is a teenager, and needs to be given freedom to do what she wants? And ask your DD to try and do some things for her grandma (not everything she asks!) like walk the dogs with her a couple of times a week, as it’s a nice thing to do, but reassure her hat meeting all of her grandmas emotional needs are not her responsibility.

Ultimatley, grandma is responsible for her own wellbeing and happiness. If she isn’t happy looking after her DGD, that’s for her to say. And if she’s lonely, that’s for her to address, completley unfair of her to burden your daughter with that.

Redteapot67 · 14/08/2018 23:09

Yabu

Your poor mum.

There’s nothing toxic about what she’s saying in your examples - she’s just trying to get dd to help her given she’s helped you both for TEN YEARS

Your dd and yourself sound horrendous

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 23:14

@CaptainCucumber

Being thirteen also means responsibility and it wouldn't kill her to support her poorly GM.

I see where you are coming from though but the OP still thinks she needs childcare.

ShadowCatt · 14/08/2018 23:19

Tbh it's not the kid's fault. She didn't make the childcare arrangements. It's not fair on her to "pay back" a debt made by her mum or to support someone with anxiety and depression,at the detriment of her own social life. It's up to OP really to make changed to help both her mum and her kid.

RayneDance · 14/08/2018 23:20

I'm with you captain cucumber.

Op your trying to be nice to your dm, you do appreciate her but also aware there are issues and you want to keeping the peace and keep everyone happy. I'm sure your dd does help out her granny too but not 100% on everything.

I'm not sure what you can do bar try and explain to your mum your dd is at an age where she needs space and freedom.

RayneDance · 14/08/2018 23:21

I think op came on for advice on how to handle this not..

Please judge me and my dd Confused

CaptainCucumber · 14/08/2018 23:21

Tess - I get that it would be nice for her to support her poorly grandmother.

By the free childcare is an arrangement between OP and her Mum. The DD should not be made to feel responsible for her grandmas emotional needs because of that arrangement - it’s nothing to do with her!

I speak as someone whose parents put a lot of pressure on me to make them happy/meet their emotional needs. It’s compeltlely unfair, no one should have that sort of pressure put on them in their formative years. It’s a horrible feeling thinking: oh, I really want to meet my friends in town for a McDonald’s, maybe that boy I like will be here, oh but I shouldn’t go because grandma will be sat at home crying with loneliness if I do. Part of being a parent/grandparent is putting the child’s emotional needs first, and shielding then from your every passing emotion.

Tessliketrees · 14/08/2018 23:29

@CaptainCucumber

I think you are extrapolating a lot from the examples given. OP has vaguely alluded to DMs behaviour being "toxic" but the examples are far from convincing.

My, completely non-toxic, DM always made my kids pull their weight when looking after them.

I am a bit baffled by the "emotional needs" thing. Presumably because GM is recovering from anxiety and depression. I can't help but think that if GM was recovering from a broken foot peoples views would be different.