To ask for help in dealing with toxic(?) DM?

[NicknameChangeroo]

Name changed as these details will be identifying and I don’t want them linked to my account...

My DM cares for my DD whilst I am at work and has done for the past 10 years and is therefore looking after her during the summer holidays. So as not to dripfeed, DM has a history of anxiety and depression, currently medicated following a round of CBT.

DM has been making comments to DD which I consider to be manipulative. For example, when DD said she didn’t want to go food shopping with DM and that she wanted to stay at home (she’s old enough so it’s fine), DM said ‘well, I guess I’ll go on my own then, I’ll just struggle’.

Or similar with walking the dogs, DD doesn’t want to go, DM replies, “well, it’s only me who does it anyway, it’s so lonely walking on your own’.”

DD is 13 and I do not want her subjected to these comments. She texts me whilst I am at work to tell me what is happening but I don’t know how to address it. I have raised some of these points with DM before and she has denied them and said that DD is lying. DD has recorded one of the exchanging as proof before as she is so frustrated that DM denies it all.

DM does this with me and my brother too, though he is still living at home and often takes the brunt of it but asks me for advice.

Has anyone got any experience with this? How can I address it with her without upsetting her and can I give DB23 any advice? He’s currently at home saving for a deposit and I know it affects him a lot.

And 'toxic' is banded around these days for any little change in character.

HELLO ....your mums probably getting weary of her 10th year of doing childcare for you.

Probably guilt tripped and weary and expected, judging by your posts.

I think it was a bit of a drip feed to add that dd is expected to spend most of her day with dm as gets lonely. There's a difference between wanting help shopping or dogwalking and relying on dd to keep her company nearly all the time.
Another point is that even though dm has volunteered to look after dd and wants to do it, its still helpful. Finding flexible childcare for a 13year old isn't easy. They are too old for many holiday clubs, yet as OP says don't do well left alone for 10 hours a day. I'm not saying dd shouldnt have time to herself and be able to go out with friends, but its also good that she interacts with her grandmother rather than spend all day online as many teens would do given a chance.
It would be better if dm were not relying on dd for company, but at the same time nobody's perfect and it would be easier for her to improve her social life if she wasn't looking after dd. So I do think that its ok for dd to spend some time with her gm and especially help her with things like shopping or chores, but only if she has time to herself and with friends as well. So I think it would be worth trying to sort things out. Talk to dm about dd needing a bit more space and time with friends, but try to help her find ways to get the company she needs and things to do for herself. Tell dd you are talking to her about giving dd more freedom but you still expect her to be helpful to dm and spend some time with her.

Maybe your DM could change the way she asks your DD for support.

Eg) i' d appreciate it if you could help me walk the dog / do the shopping because I'm suffering with anxiety and would be grateful of your support

I think that the GM is using looking after her DGD as an excuse not to do anything about improving her own social life/loneliness. I understand that it’s hard with anxiety and depression, but is her medication actually working for her, has she improved since she started taking it? The fact that she would get upset if the arrangement ended does suggest she is using DGD as a constant companion, which is a lot to deal with at 13.

I agree that DGD should help with jobs, but it all seems as though she is a carer.

OP you must intervene before all the relationships break down irreparably. Your DD needs time away from DGM. DGM needs to take charge of her own health and social life/ interests. Otherwise DD will rebel and refuse to see her DGM at all.

Only you and your DB know how your DM really is and what she is capable of. She mustn’t be allowed to destroy other peoples lives, their self esteem, their confidence.