Am I being weird or are they?

[Blanchethegreat]

I posted about this about a year or so ago. I think about half agreed with me and half thought I was being stupid, however I want to know if I'm still being stupid now.

My mil and fil have got a thing about playfully slapping my ds on the bum, they've always done this and do it every single time we see them and several times.

However, my ds is now 3.5 years old and out of nappies, and they're still doing it.

He can just be running around or playing and fil just randomly slaps him on the bum, or if he's climbing up onto the sofa mil will start slapping his bum. Fil will pick him up and say "shall I slap your bum", fil will walk past ds and do a full arm swing and slap his bum out of nowhere.

Just to be clear I'm not accusing them of anything untoward, I know that babies and even toddlers bums are cute and of course I've patted my baby's bum in an affectionate way when cuddling him, but they're not his parents, he's getting older now and I don't like the way they do it repeatedly and randomly.

They're not hurting him and they are only playing around but I absolutely fucking hate it, it makes me cringe more and more as he gets older and I don't know how to tell them to stop it without offending them.

Dh pretends not to notice but when I've spoken to him about it he agreed it makes him uncomfortable and that he wouldn't do it to someone else's child, he more or less admitted he doesn't know how to tell them how to stop it.

Bertandrussell Didn’t you read that they do it 20 times a visit, it is weird behaviour as I previously stated.

and you are odd and goady to think this type of repeated behaviour is normal, in one visit.

So you're saying they are paedophiles? Why aren't tou tellubg the OP to go to the police then?

You are a troll, I said it was weird behaviour patting a child many times on a visit.

It’s either an innocent game or it’s dodgy. If it’s an innocent game then if the OP doesn’t like it, she has ways of stopping it easily. If it’s dodgy then why wouldn’t you tell the police?

Looks dodgy to me.... I wouldn't call the police cause that'd sound stupid but OP I'd certainly tell them to stop
You need to be more assertive when it comes to your kids! Don't use excuses cause then they ll start something different and you'd need another excuse . They just need to know that this is not on and you're not a pushover which is possibly how by see you now

My FIL insisted on kissing ds6 on the lips , I made sure he stopped

As you said you are teaching your ds about privacy etc. Teach your son to tell them stop or no and back him up when he says it?

“Looks dodgy to me.... I wouldn't call the police cause that'd sound stupid”

Why would it sound stupid? Why wouldn’t you report someone being inappropriate with small children?

Cause I don't call the police for every gut feeling I have.... what are they gonna do?

Why do these threads always end up like this? 'I don't behave like this ergo it's wierd and should stop'. Jesus wept. It sounds like a game.

OP you've stated your ds isn't bothered by it. Your dh says he is but not enough to tell his parents so either he isn't that bothered or he's just agreeing with you. If you feel strongly enough, go with one of the suggestions given.

No, behaviour at home does not 'definitely' end up at school or in the playground. It can, but it is not even remotely a given. My children walk in on me while I'm on the loo. I suspect this experience is universal. I've never come across a child even attempting to do that at school.

Yet this isn't a gut feeling. It's actual physical activity which you think is dodgy. Why wouldn't you advise the OP to go to the police if you think it's inappropriate touching? I sure as hell would if I thought a child was being abused.

Do you think they're doing it as a way to try and avoid awkwardness if that makes sense? My mil and fil tickle my DD EVERY fucking time they see her and as soon as they see her and I hate that too. It's like a way to ensure they get a reaction because on occasion when she was younger she would cry when they spoke to her like kids do. So it's like a fail safe way to communicate. At least that's what I think it is anyway. It's getting less now she's getting older

I think that weird and creepy have been mixed up here.

It IS weird to do it so much and make a big thing of it, but OP has repeatedly said it’s not creepy or dodgy.

I think that you can be inappropriate without being a paedophile and needing to have the police called.

For example my mil took ds to get changed at the swimming pool, she said he was eyeing up her boobs and he must be a boob man. To her that was funny, to me it's not appropriate to speak about children that way.

She would think it was a harmless joke.

Recently she was talking about rape in front of an older child relative, I thought that was wrong.

It doesn't mean that they're paedophiles, they just have very different ideas and boundaries to me.

My mum used to play a game with ds called the "boyophone" where she would pat different bits of him and make different musical noises- his bottom made two different notes. He thought it was incredibly funny.....

Blanchethegreat absolutely. My DSD once called DD over to her by saying “come here sexy” which I explained wasn’t appropriate, she’d overheard someone in her Mum’s family saying it and didn’t know the meaning. So while it was wholly inappropriate it was also completely innocent on her part.

The boob man comment did make me shudder but I think your summing up of it is right OP.

I should clarify I didn’t tell her off, I just explained why it wasn’t appropriate.

I think it's partly a generation thing?? My mum often talks about how my 7mo is 'flirting' with family members. Like 'look at her flirting with her uncle'.
I think it's massively inappropriate but she just means look at how she gives a cheeky smile and stares with big blue eyes.
I will say something next time she says it though as i don't think it's right at all.

@1tobleroneplease - that's horrible - I would have had to say something if I heard that. How the hell can a baby or toddler flirt with someone. Do old people not know what flirting actually means? That would make me feel very uncomfortable. I also hate it with a passion when people refer to children as sexy - it's just wrong!! Children cannot be sexy - anyone who sees them as such is screwed in the head and needs help.

The smacking thing is hard to tell whether it's okay or not without seeing it - a small pat on the bum that doesn't hurt doesn't really sound a big deal to me. Maybe being there though and seeing it happen all the time would make you view it differently. I think I would be inclined to take the lead from my kid in that situation and if it didn't bother them then it wouldn't bother me. However, my kids know with every fibre of their being that they can tell me absolutely anything and that they don't have to put up with being touched in any way they feel uncomfortable with. So knowing that, I know that if my child had said nothing it'd be because it actually didn't bother them. I smack my kids on the bum loads - they love it and giggle hysterically. I don't do it every time they walk past though - it's usually tied in to me hugging them or tickling them etc. I also do the crying over not getting a kiss or hug and I'm amazed how many people think that's awful. I never force them to hug or kiss me but if they say no I pretend to cry whilst saying poor, poor mummy. They then laugh madly at me, usually stick out their tongue and run off. I don't make them do anything they don't want and they are confident enough in knowing this to take it as it's meant. Maybe what's being described here isn't what I'm thinking off in my head.

It really wouldn't be something that bothered me at all.

However if you've had previous threads about it then it clearly upsets you so discourage it.

Next time one of them does it, immediately say-

‘I’ve been meaning to mention this actually- DS has been getting into trouble at nursery for slapping the other children’s bottoms, just as you did just then. We don’t do it at home so he must be picking it up from you. Can you stop doing it as he’s being told off for it and I don’t think it’s very fair on him.’

Here would cover reasons for not touching his bum or trying to make him kiss them. They can't argue with precautions to keep him safe.

Those who say that they would be ok with it, what age would you think adults should stop playfully slapping children on the bottom?

Blanchethegreat I don’t know is the answer to that, not that I’d necessarily be ok with it, but at any age if my child said they don’t like it or didn’t want it that would be a line drawn and I’d make it stop.

DD for example cannot abide being tickled. I mean really hates it and becomes quite distressed. If (as has happened on a couple of occasions) family members have ignored her plea not to, I’ll step in and firmly say “xxxx asked you not to do that. She doesn’t like it.” Only once have I had to follow up with “that’s enough, stop it or leave.”

She’s 5.

Oh gosh I hate people who tickle children and won't stop when it's clear that the child has become annoyed by it.

I'm not even sure that this is ds decision to make, he's too young to understand about private parts and touching and body autonomy, that's why I'd like the adults in his life to set a good example.

That makes guy sound like a load of boloney but meet an abuse victim and you'll often find that they couldn't speak out because they believe adults had the right to do as they pleased and as the child they had to be polite.

You'll also meet plenty who didn't realise what was happening and thought it was a game.

That doesn't mean I think that his grandparents ARE abusing him, but they are showing him that it's ok and perfectly normal for adults to CONTINUOUSLY and repeatedly slap his bottom. No ds doesn't seem bothered by it, but then he wouldn't be bothered if his nursery key worker did it, or if another child did it, he probably wouldn't be bothered about many things because he's too young to understand.