Am I being weird or are they?

[Blanchethegreat]

I posted about this about a year or so ago. I think about half agreed with me and half thought I was being stupid, however I want to know if I'm still being stupid now.

My mil and fil have got a thing about playfully slapping my ds on the bum, they've always done this and do it every single time we see them and several times.

However, my ds is now 3.5 years old and out of nappies, and they're still doing it.

He can just be running around or playing and fil just randomly slaps him on the bum, or if he's climbing up onto the sofa mil will start slapping his bum. Fil will pick him up and say "shall I slap your bum", fil will walk past ds and do a full arm swing and slap his bum out of nowhere.

Just to be clear I'm not accusing them of anything untoward, I know that babies and even toddlers bums are cute and of course I've patted my baby's bum in an affectionate way when cuddling him, but they're not his parents, he's getting older now and I don't like the way they do it repeatedly and randomly.

They're not hurting him and they are only playing around but I absolutely fucking hate it, it makes me cringe more and more as he gets older and I don't know how to tell them to stop it without offending them.

Dh pretends not to notice but when I've spoken to him about it he agreed it makes him uncomfortable and that he wouldn't do it to someone else's child, he more or less admitted he doesn't know how to tell them how to stop it.

They also do the whole pretending to cry if he won't give them a kiss, which I'm also not keen on

I really, really don’t like this. It’s emotional manipulation. And I really hate kids being forced to kiss or cuddle people.

Consent is something I’ve taught my kids from an early age. For their own bodies and other people’s too. No forced affection, ever.

I probably sound like a po faced twat, but I don’t care. I’m an adult and I have the right to decide if someone touches me or not, why shouldn’t my children? Any children.

The op states that she doesn't want to offend her ILs So it seems to me that their feelings are more important than the child's.

I know it's not major but 20 times in one visit!!!! The op needs to be mention it and stop it.

“Well there was a great amount of corporal punishment in schools and routine slapping at home too. Not to mention the charming sexual abuse that went on (and still does because some schools don't accept that they should change I'm thinking about Downside etc.) all of it is bollocks is it Bert ?

Children need to be supported, is that bollocks too?”

No. Those things aren’t bollocks. Your other post was, though.

Exactly YeTalk

Has the poster said at any point that her child is bothered?

ppeatfruit thank you.

If he’s not bothered by them patting his bum, I’d leave it until he’s old enough to say no. That way it comes from him.

The fake crying I’d put a stop to though, I hate manipulation of children. It’s crappy.

What about what YeTalkShiteHen is she talking bollocks too charming Bert ?

To be perfectly honest, no I haven't noticed ds be all that bothered by it which surprises me because I'm not exaggerating about how much they keep doing it.

No but the child is 3 and it's gone on forever , He will think it's normal and will definitely copy the behaviour in nursery or wherever. Other children and parents may not think it 'normal'.

Is there a difference between patting and slapping?

I that's another bit that bothers me, to me patting is what you do when rocking a baby, or patting someone on the back when you hug.

Fil literally does this big arm swing to slap him, albeit not hard but to me it's definitely more of a slap than a pat

Blanche I'd stop it (regardless of the adults' feelings) what are you going to say if your ds does it much harder to a friend, because he doesn't understand that it's been done to him softly?

I don't think they your DC is going to automatically copy them, that's an argument that gets wheeled out all the time about everything and it's just nonsense.

How many kids get taught martial arts/boxing from a young age and manage to not go around hitting other children at school?

I think you are overthinking this a bit. You have said it's entirely innocent. It'll stop of it's of accord when your DC gets older.

At the end of the day it's your decision, you can stop it if you want to, but it'll just cause awkwardness and offence over something that you know is harmless and innocent.

I'd start counting - out loud - how many times they have done it. Once they are aware, they will stop.

The bum taps are not a huge deal to me. Kids find it funny.

What's weird is that your DH does not feel able to raise it with his own parents, to the extent that he can't even give them an excuse such as the nursery are saying DC has been doing it to other kids. I can't imagine not being able to raise something so small with my parents.

Plus you say they would take it really badly. Those details swing it for me. You should absolutely raise it with PIL if DH won't.

They aren't taught martial arts\boxing from the age of 3. Patriachy yes, as a teacher I've seen many youngsters 'kick boxing' in the playground. Also sometimes in class. It may be play but it still hurts the other child.

OP, definitely speak out. There is a child at my boys' school who does it a lot to other children -- even when they get upset. Some get upset, some copy this behaviour as it's gradually normalised. They slap really hard, then laugh.

I will be honest and say that I immediately disliked this child because of this and his parents for allowing him to do this. I have told my children to stay away from him while he chooses to do this. And certainly not to copy him. I didn't want him at our birthday party. I hadn't even considered that it might have been introduced by GPs and not challenged by the parents.

So what I am saying is if you don't speak up now, you are potentially making him a disliked child at school (at least by people like me) through no fault of his own. Lovely GPs are fine, but they need to respect YOUR boundaries and rules. You are certainly not being unreasonable there are lots of other, respectful ways to show love. The GPs just need to think of some.

Tell them that you have talked to ds about the underpants rule and from now on no bottom slapping. Tell them it will be enforced because your ds needs to know you hear him when he tells you someone touched him.

"What's weird is that your DH does not feel able to raise it with his own parents"
Why should he if he doesn't see it as a problem?

But the OP can easily stop it by talking about copying.

ppeatfruit, you said "In the old days children were not allowed feelings, (only adults) I would definitely say something because your silence is showing that you also don't think children should have feelings”

That is what I said was bollocks.

Why should he if he doesn't see it as a problem?

But the OP can easily stop it by talking about copying.

The OP says it also makes her DH uncomfortable but that he doesn't know how to tell them how to stop it.

It sounds like the DH suggested himself that he could tell his parents about DS potentially copying it, but hasn't done so.

I think it's better if DH raises it because he is their son and they are less likely to take offence if it's him.

Well Bert what do you think this means from auntyflono ? Tell them that you have talked to ds about the underpants rule and from now on no bottom slapping. Tell them that it will be enforced because your ds needs to know you hear him when he tells you someone touched him

I think that is quite a sensible approach. Nothing to do with your ridiculous post about children "in the old days" not being allowed feelings.

The child has not shown any signs of wanting it to stop-I imagine he thinks It's a game. But the OP wants it to stop and has been given several suggestions as to how to mKe that happen. I would go for the copying thing, personally- there is no danger of any misunderstanding and the grandparents thinking they are being accused of anything. But auntyflono's suggestion is good too.

Slap their bums playfully the whole time while you visit see how the react and then when you get a weird look say you thought it was okay to do it since you both slap ds' bum all the time haha 🤣

Yes, perfect, slap their bums!

I agree with Bertrand, the copying is the least likely reason to cause offense. Hopefully they don't over rule you or tell you not to be silly, are they likely to?

I also wanted to add that just because it's been going on for years doesn't mean it has to continue.