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Original poster

Am I being weird or are they?

108 replies

Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 08:36

I posted about this about a year or so ago. I think about half agreed with me and half thought I was being stupid, however I want to know if I'm still being stupid now.

My mil and fil have got a thing about playfully slapping my ds on the bum, they've always done this and do it every single time we see them and several times.

However, my ds is now 3.5 years old and out of nappies, and they're still doing it.

He can just be running around or playing and fil just randomly slaps him on the bum, or if he's climbing up onto the sofa mil will start slapping his bum. Fil will pick him up and say "shall I slap your bum", fil will walk past ds and do a full arm swing and slap his bum out of nowhere.

Just to be clear I'm not accusing them of anything untoward, I know that babies and even toddlers bums are cute and of course I've patted my baby's bum in an affectionate way when cuddling him, but they're not his parents, he's getting older now and I don't like the way they do it repeatedly and randomly.

They're not hurting him and they are only playing around but I absolutely fucking hate it, it makes me cringe more and more as he gets older and I don't know how to tell them to stop it without offending them.

Dh pretends not to notice but when I've spoken to him about it he agreed it makes him uncomfortable and that he wouldn't do it to someone else's child, he more or less admitted he doesn't know how to tell them how to stop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 10:28

Why have you let it go on for 4 years

It's very difficult for me to tell my in laws to stop slapping my child's bum, they're not my parents and I don't have a close relationship with them, they don't like to be challenged. They would take it very personally. Also I have tried to tell myself that they are just being affectionate but as he gets older I'm finding it more and more difficult to brush it off.

A sign of the times

I disagree with this stance and this is where I'd disagree with my in laws. I've known a number of people who were sexually abused where it started out as "you must give uncle x a kiss", being "tickled", being touched sexually where the adult has done it in plain sight and played it down as innocent or an accident the child has been upset by it but too polite to speak out.

My line of work also makes my senses heightened towards these things, I'm not paranoid, I know how abuse can happen and children don't speak out because they've been taught from a young age that they don't have body autonomy..

If ds grandparents constantly slap his bum, how can he distinguish that other people shouldn't slap or touch his bum?

That's how I see it, I know others will disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 10:33

I now that they're intentions are harmless, well I believe that they are, but other peoples may not be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 10:33

Their

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 13/08/2018 10:34

They need to stop because it is totally inappropriate!

Do you slap them on the arse when you see them? Perhaps you should.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 13/08/2018 10:36

Now that's just silly. If they were locking him in the cellar with the black beetles would you just let them do it?

If I slap you on the arse if we ever meet up you wouldn't think I was being silly would you?

Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 10:42

I think next time they do it I'm going to just be brave and speak out.

If dh won't I'll have to just to come out with it, I might come from the angle that we don't want him copying and how nursery are teaching them about body privacy or whatever.

OP posts:
catlady34 · 13/08/2018 10:47

At the end of the day, your son's welfare is more important than your inlaws' feelings, so you need to say something if you don't approve of their behaviour.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2018 10:50

“If ds grandparents constantly slap his bum, how can he distinguish that other people shouldn't slap or touch his bum?”

Tricky that one. Surely that applies to lots of things- would you say that grandparents shouldn’t cuddle or kiss or tickle or give shoulder rides or a million and one things that are fine in a loving family?

But it’s easy to stop. Just say he’s copying and it’s causing problems at nursery.

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 13/08/2018 10:50

It sounds madness, they’ve got into a ridiculous habit and both need to stop. Encourage your child to shout stop, if they do it again. Its really abnormal behaviour they’ve developed, and probably now don’t realise how many times they do it. I would have stopped it straight away, but then I don’t see my in laws at all now 😀

paap1975 · 13/08/2018 10:51

How about something along the lines of "Please could you stop doing that? We and nursery are trying to teach him not to hit and you hitting him, even in a friendly manner, confuses the issue"

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 13/08/2018 10:51

But even if I did, I wouldn’t allow it.

BertrandRussell · 13/08/2018 10:53

“Its really abnormal behaviour they’ve developed, and probably now don’t realise how many times they do it.”

No it isn’t. Many posters on here have said that a pat on the bottom is perfectly usual - is there a single poster on here who has never, ever patted their child on the behind as part of a game?

lottiegarbanzo · 13/08/2018 11:06

Yeah, agree the 'copying' line is the best. We've had to ask GPs to amend language a bit around dcs, as what sounds quite normal and innocent from an adult, can sounds quite different - rude, bossy, innapropriate - coming out of the mouth of a small child.

Makemineboozefree · 13/08/2018 11:08

Next time it happens, just say "oh, sorry, we don't do that anymore. Nursery is teaching the children that hands aren't for hitting, so we want XX to get the message as well. Plus he's also a bit old for being slapped on the bum now". If they really object, start doing it back to them! They'll soon stop!

lottiegarbanzo · 13/08/2018 11:09

I find the 'crying for a kiss' thing more concerning than the bum patting though, as it's manipulative and demanding a (bad) response from the child.

Makemineboozefree · 13/08/2018 11:10

Likewise the kissing - tell them your son needs to know that it's okay not to kiss someone if they don't want to, whoever it is, and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 11:20

Bertandrussell yes you are right but I suppose the bottom is arguably a private area. I know some won't see it like that, but to me it is, it comes under the umbrella of my private bits.

I suppose folk could debate forever more about these things though because we've all got different tolerance levels for these things.

A big part of why it bothers me is a sheer amount of times they do it, during a one hour visit they can do it up to 20 times.

Yes most of us have probably playfully or affectionately patted our children's bottoms when they were very small, but every single time they walk by you? No.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 13/08/2018 11:20

But do bear in mind that they are close family who love him, not random strangers....

DarlingNikita · 13/08/2018 11:23

they don't like to be challenged. They would take it very personally.

They don't have to like it and it isn't your problem if they take it personally.

I know this is easier said than done but it IS a simple concept nonetheless. In the very nicest way, you need to toughen up a bit and stop being intimidated by them.

Lynne1Cat · 13/08/2018 11:25

My 2 granddaughters are 7 and almost 4. Occasionally (I see them fortnightly) I pat them on the bottom - nothing sinister or wrong in that, just playing. They do it to me too, sometimes. I think all this over-analysing every single action in case it can be the sign of something inappropriate is mad. By the way, the parents of the kids sometimes do this too...and they are certainly not paedophiles!

I agree that children should know that they can say if they don't like being touched, and that should be adhered to. My son will tell his girls to kiss me and my husband when they are going home. On the odd occasion, they haven't wanted to, and I've instead kissed them on the top of the head, which has been fine.

SeaCabbage · 13/08/2018 11:34

I am amazed your son doesn't get annoyed by it! Twenty times! Even if they were hitting him on the arm or leg, nowhere contentious, that would be so effing irritating!

Yes, be prepared next time. Have your sentence and tone all ready in your head. Be firm. Just have it in your head that you are sticking up for your son. You can do it Smile.

Oh and as it seems to be ingrained in your (weird) inlaws, I would have another sentence ready in my head for when they forget and do it again.

ppeatfruit · 13/08/2018 11:58

In the old days children were not allowed feelings, (only adults) I would definitely say something because your silence is showing that you also don't think children should have feelings.

Bertrand you forget that often it is the close 'loving' relative who DOES touch inappropriately .

Original poster
Blanchethegreat · 13/08/2018 12:09

Lynne1cat please be clear I'm not saying that my in laws are paedophiles, or that an occasional affectionate pat on the bottom is abuse.

You did say that you occasionally pat your grandchildren on the bum. Do you pat them on the bum every time they come by you? Up to 20 times an hour? Would you?

I think that we've all got different comfort zones for these things, different ideas about personal space.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 13/08/2018 12:10

“In the old days children were not allowed feelings, (only adults) I would definitely say something because your silence is showing that you also don't think children should have feelings”

Bollocks.

ppeatfruit · 13/08/2018 12:18

Well there was a great amount of corporal punishment in schools and routine slapping at home too. Not to mention the charming sexual abuse that went on (and still does because some schools don't accept that they should change I'm thinking about Downside etc.) all of it is bollocks is it Bert ?

Children need to be supported, is that bollocks too?

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