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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband is never home

80 replies

Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 06:11

I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 4) we have 2 boys (8 and 9) My husband works from about 7am till 5pm the goes straight to the pub till 10pm - he does also work evenings so sometimes he won't get to the pub till 8pm. He says has to stay out late to put the animals in (chickens, pigs and sheep) so he doesn't want to come home and have to go back out. He told me last week he knew he didn't spend enough time with the boys but he can't take them out together as they fight so he doesn't bother. We very rarely go out, either as a couple or as a family as he works 7 days a week. We have had 3 holidays in 11 years. Our house is always a mess ( I am no housewife) and I don't blame him for not wanting to be here. I do everything for the boys - after school activities - as he is always working. If I ever want to go out I have to tell him in advance and he will say 'if I'm home'. He will always come home but if I am due out at 8 he comes home at 7.59pm. We never have enough money for anything but I can't get an evening job as he's always out. When he comes home he will ask me what I've done all day and if I've been out with the dogs he complains that the house is a mess. If I've cleaned the house he complains the dogs haven't been out. If he ever comes home early I'll say I'm going to the pub because I never see my friends and I don't know when he will be home again. This also causes a row as he says there's no point in him coming home as I just go out.

I know I sound like a complete push over. ( by the way I'm not the best wife, mother, cleaner in the world, I have many many faults of my own ) the boys are hard work and really need a male influence. I have no idea how to make this better. Please help

OP posts:

Cherubfish · 13/08/2018 06:15

I would go absolutely mad if my husband thought it was ok to go to the pub for 2 to 5 hours every single night rather than spending time with me and the kids. And then come home and criticise - wtf? This is no partnership, OP.

MartyMcFly1984 · 13/08/2018 06:26

How far do the dogs walk if it stops the cleaning being done?! Totally not the point I know, just curious.
I couldn't live like that. He isn't considering you or the boys at all.

Kpo58 · 13/08/2018 06:28

It sounds like you have married an abusive arse. Of course you have no money for anything if he's spending it all down the pub.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 06:33

He doesn't sound very interested in spending time with you all. I'm guessing he's a farmer? It is quite a full on lifestyle but he doesn't need to go to the pub every night.

lightonthewater · 13/08/2018 06:37

You don't sound like you have a marriage at all to be honest. You are bringing up the kids single handed. He isn't interested in his family. Your house sounds like it isn't a great place to relax if it's dirty and disorganised.

You really need to tackle this. Sit down and talk to him and tell him things have to change or it's over. Go to counselling together and try to work out what has gone wrong. You both need to step up and make an effort to turn this around. It's no way to live.

It is totally unreasonable for him to be out at the pub every night till 10pm. He's not a bachelor. It's ridiculous.

loveisland · 13/08/2018 06:38

Pretty much everyone I know are farmers! They don't hang at the pub much! You need to give the man a reality check on what work And home life involves! And when the boys go school in September again, get that house Spick and span, and then set them chores.

In short wear the trousers op

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 13/08/2018 06:40

I doubt he's a farmer with those hours.

OP. Really don't know what to suggest, but something needs to change.

How long has this been going on? I hope you haven't been putting up with this since your eldest was born.

AgathaRaisonDetra · 13/08/2018 06:42

Get the boys to walk the dogs while you clean the house.

AlmaGeddon · 13/08/2018 06:45

Stop putting yourself down. You say the boys need a man's influence but many women bring up boys alone.
Start getting your own life together. Work or hobbies, any interests you follow? You can't change other people you can only change yourself. So start changing. The boys will have more respect for you if you are busy and happy in your life rather than an unappreciated and failed housekeeper.

Curtainshopping · 13/08/2018 06:49

He works 7 days a week?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/08/2018 06:49

He could come home and he chooses not to. He could engage more with the children but he chooses not to.
Don't farm dogs usually go out with whoever is working the livestock? Ours always do, not least because collies need a lot of exercise if you don't want them to get bored and destructive.
First of all, I think you need to try to talk to him about why he doesn't want to be at home. Of course he may avoid answering, but I'd still want to ask. Depression is not uncommon in farmers and it can show itself as excessive drinking.
Then (and perhaps more importantly) I think I would try to arrange childcare independently of him since he seems to take pleasure in almost-but-not-quite letting you down when you want to go out. Then you could look for work (at whatever time of day or night, since you don't need his cooperation). Once you have your own income you have more choices and you can look at how to make things better for yourself and the kids. That might be by getting a cleaner and making an effort to do things together more, or it might be by leaving him. But you will have that choice.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 13/08/2018 06:51

Sorry to plant the seed, OP, but if my DH was behaving like this, I'd be thinking he might be having an affair.

crazydoglady6867 · 13/08/2018 06:55

You need to make a life for yourself as he is not really a part of it is he. Do you have someone who can care for them when they are off school, you can get sa PT job in the day then. A messy house is never nice to come home to I agree but when you are more in control of your own life you may feel more empowered to get your boys in on the act of clearing this mess away. When you have this control and a life of your own tell him (DH) to join in or fuck right off. You will not be able to do this until you feel empowered, so set to today and look for a job😄

TiffinBox · 13/08/2018 06:57

Is he a farmer or does he have another job but keeps animals on the side? If he's a farmer, I don't know how he has time to go to the pub each night.

Your husband sounds like an alcoholic if he prioritizes the pub each night. The reason you don't have any money is because he's spending it on alcohol. Are you sure he is spending each night at the pub and not with another woman?

It sounds like you are depressed tbh that's why you've let the house go. I'd concentrate on cleaning as you go and one room at a time. Get the boys involved too so they grow up cleaning their own shit and not expecting someone else to do it. Put a timer on for 15 mins or so and see how much you all get done in that time.

Re dogs, you need to get into the routine of walking them during the day. Getting out of the house and walking each day will help your mental health massively. Make it very clear to your dh that the evening walk is his responsibility because you've done it during the day. Get the boys involved in the animal care as well, you need to instill good habits here otherwise your dc will turn out lazy like your dh.

Original poster

Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 07:02

My husband is a builder not a farmer but he has a small holding.
He works for a company in the day then private work at night. Then weekends on private work and up the field with the animals.
The dogs go to work with him when I'm at work (3 1/2 days a week)
Unless my husband is having an affair with his male cousin I don't think that's an issue!!

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 13/08/2018 07:04

You sound like my mother. She was a SAHM who was hopeless at housework, with a horrible husband. Things picked up when they split up and she was able to get a job.

I have every admiration for SAHM, but if you are not a natural for child-rearing and housekeeping, it is just a feeling of constant failure.

Cismyass · 13/08/2018 07:05

LTB. He doesn't want to spend time with you or his DC so cut him free to piss his life away with his friends (been there, it stings). xxx

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 07:05

What’s the point in being married to him? What do you and your sons get out of it?

Lynne1Cat · 13/08/2018 07:13

He works 7 days a week, but instead of spending his teatime and evenings with you and your children, he pisses his wages up the wall every day after work. Nice.

Don't apologise for not being much of a cleaner - you're a good wife and mother, and you appear to do everything on your own with NO help from him. No days out, meals out, holidays?

You're right, your boys DO need a male influence, but not this selfish, inconsiderate twat.

My husband also used to work 7 days (6 1/2 really) when our 2 boys were little. I stayed at home until the 2nd son was 15! BUT he paid the mortgage, all the bills, etc., and although we didn't have meals out or many holidays, he was at home every evening.

Have you got any family or friends who would support you if you got rid of this selfish git?

OliviaStabler · 13/08/2018 07:14

Can you not give the small holding up? It is a lot of work and commitment and rarely a money earner.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 07:14

Well I wouldn't be the best wife, mother or cleaner in the world under those circumstances either, OP.

Lynne1Cat · 13/08/2018 07:14

Just realised that you work part-time. Make a better life for your sons.

OkMaybeNot · 13/08/2018 07:20

So what's the point in you even being together?

This is more of a flatmate relationship you have.

OhTheRoses · 13/08/2018 07:20

My DH was never here but ut was always work. There was always enough money. And the house was always perfect and children well cared for. I went to work once youngest was settled in reception.

I may be the only one but clean the house and make it a home.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 07:22

How far do the dogs walk if it stops the cleaning being done?!

I have working-type spaniels - they are walked (off leash) for 3-4 hours a day.

The reason you boys fight when they are out with their dad is probably because they want his attention Yummy

Out every night? No the wonder you have no spare cash - even if he is only having a couple of points a night (and if he's in the pub for five hours, it is probably more), that's about £50/week.

I'm not surprised you have no interest in your home - I suspect there is an underlying depression and a sense of hopelessness which is just overwhelming you. Add to this dogs (which bring mud etc into the house, over-energetic children who will wreck the place, and a husband who never comes home so that you can have a break (without a prior appointment) - any of us would be exhausted and fed-up.

You really need to find someone to talk to, so that you can decide what you want to do regarding your marriage - do you have a friend or family who would give you non-judgemental space and just listen? Or what about the Samaritans.

If I was in your situation, I think I would just sit and weep (literally!)

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