Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband is never home

80 replies

Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 06:11

I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 4) we have 2 boys (8 and 9) My husband works from about 7am till 5pm the goes straight to the pub till 10pm - he does also work evenings so sometimes he won't get to the pub till 8pm. He says has to stay out late to put the animals in (chickens, pigs and sheep) so he doesn't want to come home and have to go back out. He told me last week he knew he didn't spend enough time with the boys but he can't take them out together as they fight so he doesn't bother. We very rarely go out, either as a couple or as a family as he works 7 days a week. We have had 3 holidays in 11 years. Our house is always a mess ( I am no housewife) and I don't blame him for not wanting to be here. I do everything for the boys - after school activities - as he is always working. If I ever want to go out I have to tell him in advance and he will say 'if I'm home'. He will always come home but if I am due out at 8 he comes home at 7.59pm. We never have enough money for anything but I can't get an evening job as he's always out. When he comes home he will ask me what I've done all day and if I've been out with the dogs he complains that the house is a mess. If I've cleaned the house he complains the dogs haven't been out. If he ever comes home early I'll say I'm going to the pub because I never see my friends and I don't know when he will be home again. This also causes a row as he says there's no point in him coming home as I just go out.

I know I sound like a complete push over. ( by the way I'm not the best wife, mother, cleaner in the world, I have many many faults of my own ) the boys are hard work and really need a male influence. I have no idea how to make this better. Please help

OP posts:
OkMaybeNot · 13/08/2018 07:23

When DH worked 70 hour weeks he was never here. But he wanted to be, desperately. Every spare minute was spent with us. He'd fall asleep on the sofa absolutely exhausted because he didn't want to go to bed early, because he missed me.

He's not invested in your marriage or your children OP, and you deserve better.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 07:27

My DH was never here but ut was always work. There was always enough money. And the house was always perfect and children well cared for. I went to work once youngest was settled in reception. I may be the only one but clean the house and make it a home.

Roses - perhaps your DH didn't spend all of his evenings at the pub. Maybe he made you feel appreciated for what you did in the house. And if there was "always enough money" (for what?) you didn't have to worry about finances and that would give you more energy to keep your house "perfect" (worry and depression are totally enervating and exhausting).

And there is NO SUGGESTION that yummy doesn't look after her children

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 07:29

When DH worked 70 hour weeks he was never here. But he wanted to be, desperately. Every spare minute was spent with us.

And THAT is what makes the difference. MaybeNot's DH showed that he cared. Yummy's husband doesn't seem to give a damn.

LannieDuck · 13/08/2018 07:32

What benefit does the small holding give your family? Is it sufficient to make up for all the evenings/weekends it takes up?

notapizzaeater · 13/08/2018 07:33

What does he actually do for you ? Surely if he's working all these hours there should be money ?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 07:35

My DH was never here but ut was always work. There was always enough money.

That latter point makes more of a difference than you might realise.

Petalflowers · 13/08/2018 07:42

How far away from home does he work, or the smallholding? Surely he can pop home for a few hours.

What does the small holding bring you? Revenue? Is it bringing you more then he is spending in the pub for all those hours? If not, i think it’s time to ditch the small holding.

Curtainshopping · 13/08/2018 07:44

I don’t get why you short of money if he’s working two jobs, all hours.

And you said he was in the pub every night but also does private work at night?

Gojira · 13/08/2018 07:45

Well, he clearly doesn't want to be around you or your sons, hence spending every minute of the day, doing something else!

So that's basically it! He won't change, it's too ingrained now.

If I were you, I would look for a day job, get yourself a cleaner and then seriously reassess whether I wanted to waste the rest of my life married to someone like that.

EdisonLightBulb · 13/08/2018 07:51

So you work 3.5 days a week but want an evening job whilst doing everything else? Bollocks to that. I always think that people who go to the pub every day, for hours, have either a very very bad habit that can't be broken or an alcohol dependency. Either way, it is unlikely to change. Ever.

ParisProperty · 13/08/2018 07:52

A close friend of my mum's lost her husband when her boys were 1 and 3. She had to bring them up alone. She said that the cubs and scouts were amazing in terms of the support they gave her.
Both boys did very well educationally and professionally.
Maybe some sort of club or youth organisation could help you?

LannieDuck · 13/08/2018 07:59

Also, do you have enough of an interest in the smallholding to offer to take over the 'putting away the animals' job?

It would mean he had no excuse to stay out at the pub all evening, so he could come home to spend time with the kids, and you'd have a bit of role-reversal - him doing childcare while you do the animals?

You might also be able to stop off at the pub and see your friends on the way there/back? ;)

BlueBug45 · 13/08/2018 08:00

OP you wouldn't be posting here if you thought your marriage was OK.

Even if your husband can't cope with both boys together he could make time to take them out with him in turn - and then includes taking the older one out to do jobs with him on your small holding.

So I suggest you try and talk to him seriously about your relationship, and if he refuses to engage consider your options to leave him.

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 08:07

I don’t get why you short of money if he’s working two jobs, all hours

Because her DH spends all the extra money he earns in the pub?

WhirlingTurkey · 13/08/2018 08:10

What are you getting out of this marriage OP? If you can even call it that. Give him an ultimatum, his behaviour is totally unacceptable, and if things don't change then LTB.

Quartz2208 · 13/08/2018 08:17

This isnt a marriage anymore - what do you do - surely you have time in the day when they are at school?

Your sons dont have a male influence they dont see him

I think your marriage is over

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 08:19

She works 3.5 days a week Quartz2208

Original poster
Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 08:22

Just to let everyone know. My house is untidy not a hovel. Everything is clean just messy. When I lived in a 1 bed flat on my own my flat was messy. I know have 2 dogs, 2 kids, a husband /builder/ farmer and all the dirt and mess that comes with that. My boys are very cared for. Always clean, tidy and well fed.
Evening jobs for me would mean my husband would need to come home and there is no way I would earn in an evening what he could earn. I could pay a babysitter but I might as well just give them the money I earn.
My husband works 7am till 5 or 6 pm the 6 pm till 8 or 9pm then goes to the pub. I get he wants to wind down at the end of the day and I don't mind that it's when the kids are around (weekends , school holidays) that's when it gets hard.
Think I'm just a bit down at the moment. Need to give myself a good talking to.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 13/08/2018 08:24

No you don’t need to give yourself a good talking to. You need to talk to him, and tell him it’s not acceptable.
It’s not a marriage, it’s not a relationship.

beeefcake · 13/08/2018 08:26

The issue isn't who works when, whether you could get another job etc. It's that he's going to the PUB EVERY FUCKING NIGHT.

I would KILL dh if he carried on like this and he knows it. This is no partnership and no marriage.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 13/08/2018 08:33

He's got it made really. Permanent childcare at home. All the cachet of a nice family but none of the actual work. He can drop in and out of the house and pick up clean clothes, food, sex and a quick 5 minutes with his sons.

You wouldn't be posting here if you thought this was normal. You know he's being selfish. The question is, are you going to do something about it?

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2018 08:41

What does he contribute to the lives of you and your children? I assume he isn't even eating at home with you in the evening? It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 13/08/2018 08:48

I am slightly with the PP that suggested there might be an OW. If he is doing building jobs all over the place he has plenty of scope for extra curricular interests of that sort.

hungryhippo90 · 13/08/2018 08:50

He sounds like he’s checked out, he spends all his free time out instead of with you.

I also want to ask why is he working so much? You say you work 3 1/2 days a week, does he need to work the extra hours in the evening and weekend? Unless you’re struggling financially I can’t see any reason for him needing to work that much.

My DH works crazy hours, but when he leaves work he comes home to be with us.

Maybe you could tell him that he can go to the pub for an hour a night then home, or 2x a couple of hours a week.

He must be drinking £100s of beer being in the pub 5 hours a night.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 08:51

Think I'm just a bit down at the moment. Need to give myself a good talking to.

It's not you who needs the talking to, it's the man who thinks you exist to facilitate him.

What is it with all the men who don't realise that their wives are just as full and complex and needful human beings as they are? Whence all the beliefs that women are basically satellites in men's orbits and their stories and desires don't count?