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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband is never home

80 replies

Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 06:11

I've been with my husband for 11 years (married for 4) we have 2 boys (8 and 9) My husband works from about 7am till 5pm the goes straight to the pub till 10pm - he does also work evenings so sometimes he won't get to the pub till 8pm. He says has to stay out late to put the animals in (chickens, pigs and sheep) so he doesn't want to come home and have to go back out. He told me last week he knew he didn't spend enough time with the boys but he can't take them out together as they fight so he doesn't bother. We very rarely go out, either as a couple or as a family as he works 7 days a week. We have had 3 holidays in 11 years. Our house is always a mess ( I am no housewife) and I don't blame him for not wanting to be here. I do everything for the boys - after school activities - as he is always working. If I ever want to go out I have to tell him in advance and he will say 'if I'm home'. He will always come home but if I am due out at 8 he comes home at 7.59pm. We never have enough money for anything but I can't get an evening job as he's always out. When he comes home he will ask me what I've done all day and if I've been out with the dogs he complains that the house is a mess. If I've cleaned the house he complains the dogs haven't been out. If he ever comes home early I'll say I'm going to the pub because I never see my friends and I don't know when he will be home again. This also causes a row as he says there's no point in him coming home as I just go out.

I know I sound like a complete push over. ( by the way I'm not the best wife, mother, cleaner in the world, I have many many faults of my own ) the boys are hard work and really need a male influence. I have no idea how to make this better. Please help

OP posts:

Juells · 13/08/2018 09:00

when the boys go school in September again, get that house Spick and span

Amused at all the advice to OP about cleaning the house. Why should she bother? If it's clean, it doesn't matter if it's untidy. Is she supposed to be a skivvy for the three males?

LTB, and remove the cause of your stress. He's not adding anything positive to your life.

deepsea · 13/08/2018 09:02

Op sit down and tell him straight. If things don't change drastically in three months then you will call and end to the marriage. Give him a chance to make things better and new rules need to be put in place if you are to stay together.

He reduces his hours and takes the boys out for at least one afternoon a week to give you a break
He helps you get on top of the housework and helps with the cooking. You might be SAHP but you still need help! This does not give him the right to expect it all falls to you.
Date night once a month and a chance for your relationship to reconnect
Once a month a spa break, shopping trip for the day with or without friends for you. Or a hobby such as an art course or photography workshop. That day is just for you.

I can't see you ever being happy as things stand, he needs to reduce his hours so that you can be a family again. Even if you are sacrificing other things.

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 09:05

when the boys go school in September again, get that house Spick and span

Or her husband could spend just a fraction of the hours he spends at the pub doing some housework?

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 09:06

You might be SAHP but you still need help!

She’s not a SAHP, she works 3.5 days a week.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/08/2018 09:14

I'm so, so depressed that in 2018, a working mother whose husband is never at home because he's always down the pub is being told over and over again to be a better housekeeper.

Mayhemmumma · 13/08/2018 09:18

I can sympathise a bit OP I'm also married to a self employed builder, he works 6 days a week and is renovating our house too. Sunday's are taken up with the project or his family commitments.

I am happy that he spends every morning with us and does mine and kids breakfast. He is very loving just also very absent! I went into school holidays assuming bar Sunday's I'm on my own (I work too) planned loads for me and the kids and have zero expectations sadly, when he's about great but I can't sit around waiting for him.

He feels he's missing out and says all the right things about wanting to spend time with us but in reality when he does he's exhausted.

I never know when he'll be home, might be 4pm might be 9pm but if I knew he was in the pub each night it would be over for me. We need a few hours each evening to spend together or what's the point? When does anything get done/discussed OP?

I know exactly what you mean about planning to go out at 8pm and DH arriving at 7.59pm! I don't think mine means to be cruel about it, he thinks he's on time..
So I tell him an hour before so I can get ready in peace.

Crazy hours can be worked around if you both want to but he seems to want to distance himself imo.

Quartz2208 · 13/08/2018 09:21

Its not that its a sense that the house been messy is upsetting her as well and its making it a place no one wants to be - they should sort that together

She should sort that and sort out her marriage by ending it

Ellapaella · 13/08/2018 09:21

You are lonely OP. Everyone needs adult conversation and company. I get your husband working long hours but for what gain? No financial gain, at least not to the end that you can all enjoy the extra money as a family. No family gain, he never sees his kids and is too tired/busy to care.
Consider how your life could be as a single parent. No waiting around for someone who never comes home so no resentment. You can manage your time better, use out of school clubs etc so you can get a job, earn your own money and have adult company again. You may actually be better off financially as a single parent by the sounds of it. And your husband may get the wake up call he needs and actually man up and be a father to his kids.
It's a scary prospect but take control of your life - don't settle for this, life is too short.

Juells · 13/08/2018 09:26

First thing I'd do is track down his accounts, photocopy bank statements etc.. Going to the pub every night costs a lot, no wonder you're broke. If he's a builder/smallholder he's probably being paid in cash as well. Try to figure out - and get proof - how much he earns, if the marriage breaks down you'll need that information.

ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 09:44

Op - you are a single parent anyway. why not make it legal, get child support (and possibly spousal maintenance) from him, plus peace and quiet, less mess from him, less criticism, more calm...

At the moment only one of you is in this partnership.

AnoukSpirit · 13/08/2018 09:47

When he comes home he will ask me what I've done all day and if I've been out with the dogs he complains that the house is a mess. If I've cleaned the house he complains the dogs haven't been out.

His issue isn't with either of those things, his issue is with making sure you can't win and feel miserable and useless. He has to be right, you have to be wrong. Nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Same as with the nasty comments he makes when you dare to go out to see your friends. If his issue was genuinely with not getting to see you then he wouldn't be in the pub all night every night! It's not even a logical argument. He's just pushing you so you'll give up on socialising.

The problem is his attitude and behaviour, not the untidiness or not of your home.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2018 09:52

He could wind down with a drink at home if he wanted to.

But how is he still driving after the pub anyway?

DottyBlue2 · 13/08/2018 09:55

It's not often I say this, but you need to look into separating.

You could work an extra day to pay for a cleaner. You could move to a smaller house for you and your boys.

You won't have to spend time cooking for your OH nor waste your time washing and ironing his clothes.

Single life isn't great. But being a single mum in a lonely marriage is worse. Good luck

Maelstrop · 13/08/2018 09:55

How does he dare go to the pub every night? Stop being such a doormat, OP, sit him down and work out how much he’s spending weekly on booze!

Maelstrop · 13/08/2018 09:56

And get rid of the small holding, how much does that cost in rent/feed compared to what you get back?

junebirthdaygirl · 13/08/2018 10:14

He is an alcoholic if he drinks in the pub every night. This is no role model for your boys. As said, get a copy of his salary slip/ tax returns etc and start to plan your own life. .You are not the problem here except in putting up with it. He is a sorry excuse for a dh and father. Make one change today.
He gives out when he comes in to take the focus off himself as underneath he knows he is out of order. That is an old trick of alcoholics to blame the dw for their own miserable existence.
Maybe start by going to Alanon or accessing support online. Don't be in denial about his drinking habits. You are living with an alcoholic and so are your dc.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 11:17

My house is untidy not a hovel. Everything is clean just messy.

Apologies if I was one of the ones who implied this yummy - It wasn't intentional. I always had a houseful of dogs and kids myself and know how hard it is to keep on top of things.

onanothertrain · 13/08/2018 11:33

He's not in the pub 5 hours a night. He works til 8 or 9pm and is in the pub until 10 when he has to go and deal with the animals. Still a shit life for the OP though.

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/08/2018 11:51

Sorry, but if I was him I'd be pissed off. He works 7 days a week, you only work part-time and the house is a mess and there is no money - surely the solution would be for you to get a full-time job as your kids are at school? That would help financially. As neither of you are keen on cleaning, you could then pay a cleaner.
I can't believe some of the posts on here saying that your DH should help more at home with the the wide disparity in the hours worked by DH and the OP. When the kids are at school, what are you doing all day???

SoyDora · 13/08/2018 12:08

*When the kids are at school, what are you doing all day???

Well for 3.5 of the days that her DC are at school, she’s at work.
You don’t think them not having any money might have something to do with him spending hours in the pub every day?

Original poster

Yummymummy2boys · 13/08/2018 12:34

Harshbuttrue1980 this is exactly what my husband says. I think the point I'm getting at is when he finishes work he goes out and enjoys himself as he doesn't want to come home. When I finish work I collect the kids, cook tea, walk the dogs, do the washing, drive the kids to whatever activity is on, collect them, help with homework, then bath, bed and story. Then try and tidy before he comes in just in time to watch him chuck his work boots in the middle of the room, eat his tea (which he cooks as he won't eat the stuff me and the kids eat) using every pot and pan we have then go upstairs, have a shower , obviously with throwing his clothes on the floor not in the wash basket all for me to deal with the next day.
We did discuss me going back full time but by the time I pay the cleaner - which I would love- and the child minder all my money is gone again. I then have to still do everything else as he wouldn't be home.

OP posts:

ResistanceIsNecessary · 13/08/2018 12:47

He treats the house like a hotel.

Balls to not wanting to come home if it's a mess - what excuse does that give him for not spending any time with his kids?

Plus the level of disrespect - dropping his clothes and boots everywhere, cooking and leaving all of his mess for you to clear up (am right?)... None of this speaks of a man who has any care or respect for you.

Cherubfish · 13/08/2018 13:21

onanothertrain most nights he finishes at 5pm and goes to the pub. Some night he works till 8pm.

TeacupTattoo · 13/08/2018 13:26

I'm sorry but you're not a family. You and the boys are. He behaves like a house-share and a tossed. Value yourself more, life is too short to put up with someone who clearly doesn't love you.

onanothertrain · 13/08/2018 13:32

cherub I thought I read a post from the op that said he finished his day job for an employer at 5 or 6, then does building work - I presumed homers, until 8 or 9

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