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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking grandchildren on holiday

97 replies

Goodenoughnan · 12/08/2018 23:16

I want to take 2 of my grand daughters to a music festival aged 10 and 6. We are hiring a motorhome. My son in law doesnt want the 6 year old to be away from him for four nights (even though he went snowboardng without her for a week recently) and so wont allow the 10 year old to go as it wouldn't be fair to the 6 year old. He is stepfather to the 10 year old - who is desperate to go. The 6 year old also wants to go but is less reliable about being away from her dad. I look after them frequently, seeing them every day and including overnight as I live next door and they like staying. I think my daughter and son in law are being selfish - am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HelpmeobiMN · 12/08/2018 23:19

It’s a tough one if the kids would really enjoy it but your son in law likely has a better idea of what they’re actually able to cope with. It’s his choice (and that of their other parent) as to whether it’s allowed.

I wouldn’t push it this time as that would be you disrespecting the boundaries they are entitled to make as parents. Just wait til they are a bit older and then ask again.

Kitkatmonster · 12/08/2018 23:19

Yes. They are the parents, it’s their choice whether they think the event is suitable for their children to attend for several nights without them. I’m not sure why you think it’s selfish of them to refuse your offer.

Thehop · 12/08/2018 23:19

Yanbu to want to take them, they are nbu to say no.

Sorry

Maybe find a festival you can get day tickets or do one night at?

HelpmeobiMN · 12/08/2018 23:20

Also, have you suggested a compromise like being away for a shorter time? That might be the solution?

Zoflorabore · 12/08/2018 23:21

You're not being selfish at all- quite the opposite!

I would love it if either of my parents did this (they are divorced), in fact next week my dad and his wife are taking my dd (7) and her grandson (also 7) to Wales for a few days.

She will love it and so will I

Have they been away with you before?
You sound very close to them so unlikely they will be fretting for parents.

You sound lovely :)

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2018 23:25

Go anyway. You'll enjoy it, and come back full of stories and songs. Maybe next year he'll allow them to come or maybe all the family?)

Domino20 · 12/08/2018 23:34

My son is 9 and available 😁😁😁

cadburyegg · 12/08/2018 23:36

Their kids, their choice.

Shylo · 12/08/2018 23:38

What does your daughter say?

Original poster
Goodenoughnan · 12/08/2018 23:38

All good advice, thank you
I forgot to add that there are 3 of my other daughters there with 2 other grandchildren (we are a big family) and we tried to persuade the daughter in question to come away with us en famille.
Happy to take your son, Domino20!!!!

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 12/08/2018 23:54

I’m sure the parents would love a couple of days off from child caring duties, but they think the kids just aren’t of an age/stage where these arrangements are suitable. I’d call that self-sacrificing, rather than selfish!

It was a nice idea, and I’m sure well-intentioned on your part. Next time maybe give them more lead time to consider all the implications, and allow them to be honest with you about their concerns (and then work through them together).

It sounds a bit like you’ve sprung it on them, and that it’s more about you wanting ‘everyone together’ than you thinking about these two kids’ individual needs. That sort of planning would get a ‘no, thanks’ from me too.

converseandjeans · 12/08/2018 23:55

I think it depends on the type of festival tbh. Something like a small folk type festival for example, or one of the family friendly local ones then they might be OK. However a big festival with huge crowds, they might be overwhelmed, get lost, find it all too much.
Can't you compromise and take them just for 1 or 2 nights and get parents to collect them?

Pebblesandfriends · 12/08/2018 23:58

No. They are the parents It is completely different you taking them away. IThey can take them away for 2 weeks and it's still ok if they don't want you to have them for 4 nights. Sorry but they are not being ' selfish' and you don't have the right to have them whenever you want.

llangennith · 13/08/2018 00:10

I think your son-in-law is trying to show you who's in charge. Shame the kids will miss out on what should be a fun family occasion but you go and take lots of photos and post them on FB.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 00:30

At that age my DH would have been thrilled for some childfree time.

Do you generally get on with your Son in law?

QuoadUltra · 13/08/2018 07:00

I agree that this might be a planning and presentation issue and Skittles is on to something here. It sounds as though they weren’t really on board from the start and are now standing their ground.

I think you have to let it go. Big shame especially for the 10yo but I wouldn’t really want my PIL taking DC away for that long at that age either, so I can see where they are coming from.

PotteringAlong · 13/08/2018 07:02

My children have a great relationship with their grandparents and I wouldn’t let my 6 year old go away from me for 4 nights wither

Booboostwo · 13/08/2018 09:01

This is a parent’s decision and without knowing why he made it there is no way of knowing why he made it. Child free time sounds great t me but maybe your son in law knows that the 6yo is still clingy at bed time, or wakes up wanting her parents during the night, or wets the bed and is embarrassed by it. I assume that when your son in law went skiing the DCs stayed with their mother, so perhaps the 6yo has Nevers stayed the night with someone else and doesn’t realise how stressful it could be. Or they are unhappy about the choice of activity, e.g. maybe they think the music will be too loud or the atmosphere too overwhelming for the 6yo.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/08/2018 09:09

Do you think it's because it's a music festival that he doesn't want his DD to go?
It's unfair to stop the 10 year old going imo. He sounds a bit controlling, is he?

Merryoldgoat · 13/08/2018 09:10

Gosh! My DS is 5 and had a week with PIL at the start of the holidays and is off again on Friday!

They are lifesavers as far as I’m concerned.

I think it’s reasonable to refuse but I’d be confused as to why. May the 6 year old not cope well? What’s your relationship like with your SIL usually? Do you feel there are undercurrents of controlling behaviour or is it just over-protectiveness?

FWIW my DS has HFA - he’s great with GP but I’d be concerned about sensory overload at a festival and would refuse but might not want to go into all the details as I don’t like to overshare his challenges. If the youngest is a bit unpredictable could he be trying to avoid the stress of her not enjoying it and needing to return early?

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2018 09:33

So he wants to stop the six year old from staying out, but doesn't want to be a Parent and explain why to her, so the ten year old misses out? That's unfair.

How long has he been in the children's lives?

Does he resent your DD having a full break, or is it her that doesn't want to be parted from the six year old and is hiding behind him?

drspouse · 13/08/2018 09:35

If he's the 10yo's stepfather, is it really his choice?

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2018 09:36

Do you think the ten year old misses out on things because of his attitude that if his DD can't do something, his SDD can't?

How is his going to cross over to the Teen years?

It's going to happen eventually.

CottonSock · 13/08/2018 09:39

I'd be fine with the length of time away, but not a festival

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 09:44

Surely the decision about the ten year old going is your daughter's to make? It seems very sad that they'll miss out when their cousins are going. I suspect that weekend will be pretty uncomfortable for the parents after they've seen you leave.