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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking grandchildren on holiday

97 replies

Goodenoughnan · 12/08/2018 23:16

I want to take 2 of my grand daughters to a music festival aged 10 and 6. We are hiring a motorhome. My son in law doesnt want the 6 year old to be away from him for four nights (even though he went snowboardng without her for a week recently) and so wont allow the 10 year old to go as it wouldn't be fair to the 6 year old. He is stepfather to the 10 year old - who is desperate to go. The 6 year old also wants to go but is less reliable about being away from her dad. I look after them frequently, seeing them every day and including overnight as I live next door and they like staying. I think my daughter and son in law are being selfish - am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 13/08/2018 10:49

Op, as a grandma to 6 who holidays near and very far away (think 8 hour flights away from home) with her grandchildren it would really upset me if I wasn’t allowed to take them away. I think you either have to just swallow this and leave it to your daughter to sort out or approach it yourself and hope there’s no fallout from it.

To be frank it sounds very much like a case of double standards with an element of control thrown in for good measure.

Eldest one can’t go either my backside.

HenriettaArabella · 13/08/2018 10:53

Being away from a child for a few nights is very different than letting them go in a camper to a festival. They have every right to choose whether this is suitable or not. You are overstepping the mark if you think you have the right to choose what is and is not appropriate for their children

Onthebrink87 · 13/08/2018 10:58

I think it's a lovely idea and I would be over the moon if my parents made a similar offer, however it makes me rage when gp's or anyone would present the offer to the child WITHOUT previous permission from parents - it's senseless and asking for arguments and upset children. I do think it's almost overstepping and yabu

LetItGoToRuin · 13/08/2018 11:06

As a parent whose in-laws seem to think that taking my DD on holiday is their ‘right’, I think YABU. If the parents don’t want their children to go away with you (whether to a festival or a beach or anywhere), it is absolutely their right as parents to make that decision. I don’t care that it might have happened a generation ago: I don’t want DD taken away for holidays by other people.

I really hope you didn’t offer the festival to the 10-year-old without first checking with the parents. I would be hopping mad if my daughter had been offered something and I had to be the bad guy in refusing!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2018 13:07

To be frank it sounds very much like a case of double standards with an element of control thrown in for good measure.

Those awful awful parents throwing their weight around, controlling the children for whom they're solely responsible and making decisions based on what's best for them, it should be illegal Hmm

IceCreamFace · 13/08/2018 13:10

YANBU. Fair enough if he doesn't think the 6 year old could handle the tip away but that shouldn't stop the 10 year old going (there are obviously going to be things the 10 year old is old enough to do before her sister). Surely the 6 year old could get a day trip out another time.

diddl · 13/08/2018 13:25

Ideally Op, they should just have told you no & not bothered with reasons.

Did they try that?

CallingDannyBoy · 13/08/2018 13:25

My SIL has asked a few times to take DS1 away on holiday with them e.g skiing or on hols with PIL etc to be company for their DS. We say no as we have 2 other DCs who aren’t invited. We don’t expect to have someone take all 3 away but it would never happen that each would have their turn. Yes I don’t want to explain it to my other DC as to why their brother was going and they weren’t-what do I say? It isn’t age it is just convenience. They probably think I’m controlling or selfish but the relationships between my children matters more to me.

Quartz2208 · 13/08/2018 13:29

Your post is all about your Son in Law and not much about your daughter including the fact the 6 year old isnt reliable about being away from her Dad (and no mention of her mum).

You were not unreasonable to ask - you are to not accept for whatever reasons its a no. And you certainly are for the raising the stepfather issue and blaming him so unless there is some massive backstory accept they were not comfortable with the plan.

Thats fine it is their right

Original poster
Goodenoughnan · 13/08/2018 13:31

They stay with me one night a week and I have had them stay for 3 nights for the D and SIL to go away. The main aspect is that the 10 year old is not being allowed to go as the 6 year old will be missed by her dad and will miss him. She thinks she wants to go but we all have our doubts so I get that bit of it. But should an older child be kept home for a younger child’s needs / expectations?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/08/2018 13:35

I don't think it's fair on the older child no.

Did you tell the dc before you asked their parents?

cheesefield · 13/08/2018 13:35

I don't think you should continue to argue it OP. The parents have said no, and that's the answer you must accept, regardless of their reasons.

diddl · 13/08/2018 13:42

". But should an older child be kept home for a younger child’s needs / expectations?"

You don't know that that is what is really happening though do you?

She's telling you that she thinks she wants to go?

Maybe she's telling her parents that she doesn't want to go?

How/why has she been asked if the parents have said no?

LaInfantaTortilla · 13/08/2018 13:52

I do wish some GP's would show some consideration for us parents poor nerves when it comes to our DC. This is one of the main bones of contention between PIL and I. They want to take my DC on holiday with them, down the beach and on boats. I've said no because I don't believe they are fit and healthy enough to deal with an emergency when it comes to my DC. For example they are always banging on about taking them on a boat but neither of them can swim. So who exactly is going to jump in and save my DC if one of them goes overboard or goes too far out on the beach?

I think your SIL sounds like a responsible father.

SpandexTutu · 13/08/2018 14:16

Did you ask your daughter and her DH if your grandchildren could go before you spoke to the grandchildren?

PollyFlinderz · 13/08/2018 14:45

Those awful awful parents throwing their weight around, controlling the children for whom they're solely responsible and making decisions based on what's best for them, it should be illegal hmm

Quite.

KatieKittens · 13/08/2018 14:48

I don’t think they are being selfish, as parents they have the right to say no. It’s a very generous offer, but you do get to spend time with your grandchildren on other occasions.

They may feel their 6 year old is too young to go to a festival, and that’s their call.

I think it would be unfair for one sibling to be taken on holiday and the other left at home. Could cause a lot of upset, so the decision that neither can go is understandable.

PollyFlinderz · 13/08/2018 14:49

But should an older child be kept home for a younger child’s needs / expectations?

No. And I think saying she can’t go for this particular reason is far different from not letting both of them go because they don’t like the idea of a festival. Not that I’ve ever been to one so I’m not sure why they’d not want them to go.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/08/2018 14:55

If your DD has let you have them for 3 nights before it must be the festival that they're not keen on? Maybe they are worried the dc will get lost or they won't enjoy it?

Original poster
Goodenoughnan · 13/08/2018 20:02

I didn’t ask the children first. I know it’s not about it being a festival and I do respect the parents decision. I genuinely wondered if I was being unreasonable and I think the consensus is that I was!! So I have learnt a lot and thanks to everyone. It really is a useful way to see what the thinking is about an issue.

OP posts:
EskSmith · 14/08/2018 00:03

The point is though that the children shouldn't even know it was an option, unless they were told by their parents; which sounds unlikely. I would expect to be asked first before it was mentioned to the children. If my answer was no I would not expect the children even to be told that them going was ever an option.

PollyFlinderz · 14/08/2018 00:26

which sounds unlikely

The Op has said she didn't tell the children and I suspect the trip was common knowledge and it was probably other children within the family who asked their cousins if they were coming on holiday with them.

Quite how you would silence a family to ensure those staying behind didn't know a trip was taking place is anyones guess and to expect no one to speak of it so others didn't find out about it is ridiculous.

If you're not going to let your children do something then own it. Don't be cowardly about saying no.

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/08/2018 01:12

Christ, I'd be on the floor hugging the ankles of anyone who offered to take my DC's away on a break! I haven't had a child-free overnight for 8 years, nor an evening's babysitting to have a night out with dh. I'd kill for the types of local and willing GP's i read about on MN!

PollyFlinderz · 14/08/2018 05:36

Christ, I'd be on the floor hugging the ankles of anyone who offered to take my DC's away on a break

No. Don’t do that. They’d never be able to walk to the door with them.

frenchknitting · 14/08/2018 06:02

So are you saying that you initially invited your DD and her kids to go away, without your son in law? Maybe that's what's put their backs up?