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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking grandchildren on holiday

97 replies

Goodenoughnan · 12/08/2018 23:16

I want to take 2 of my grand daughters to a music festival aged 10 and 6. We are hiring a motorhome. My son in law doesnt want the 6 year old to be away from him for four nights (even though he went snowboardng without her for a week recently) and so wont allow the 10 year old to go as it wouldn't be fair to the 6 year old. He is stepfather to the 10 year old - who is desperate to go. The 6 year old also wants to go but is less reliable about being away from her dad. I look after them frequently, seeing them every day and including overnight as I live next door and they like staying. I think my daughter and son in law are being selfish - am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 13/08/2018 09:44

Perhaps you should have discussed this with the parents before you asked the children. You have set up a conflict which would have annoyed me as a parent. There can be no winners now. Personally I would not want my children to go to a festival, the work of the devil

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 09:46

"The work of the devil"! 😂

Aragog · 13/08/2018 09:50

It isn't fair in the 10y to miss out.

What does your daughter think? Surely she would have as much say as the father/stepfather, even more so for the older child.

Aragog · 13/08/2018 09:51

Those saying no to a festival. I assume you know that there are many different forms of festivals, some of which are aimed at families and some wines at children. It all festivals are loud music, drink, drugs and mud!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 09:58

I'd be very interested to hear the son in laws side of this. Ridiculous that posters are calling him "controlling", he is allowed to make decisions about his own child! I'm sure plenty of parents would feel their 6 year old is too young to go away without a parent for several days and I think the responses on this thread would be quite different if it were a mother, not a father, declining the invite.

It's all very well saying that the children want to go but you really shouldn't have discussed it with them before getting parents permission. It feels very undermining and as though you're trying to guilt your son in law into complying with your wishes.

Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2018 10:06

Not sure why people are against festivals, they are not all full of drunks, druggies and child snatchers. Most are very child friendly and have family camping areas.

My parents never take my kids anywhere, I would jump at the chance of having a few days break from them.

Iwantaunicorn · 13/08/2018 10:07

I think it’s a lovely idea, but YABU saying that they’re being selfish - they’re their parents so ultimately it’s up to them, and it could be awful to give one without the other potentially for them. What does your DD say about it? Could it be she doesn’t want them to go either and is hiding behind your SIL so he’s the bad guy and she doesn’t fall out with you?

HollyGibney · 13/08/2018 10:09

I don't think he sounds controlling at all. A festival is not somewhere I would take my own children, let alone for four days so why would I let grandparents? I only ever see this breathless gratitude for free childcare and insistence that you have absolutely nothing to say about what happens and how it is provided here on MN, never in RL. Four days is a long time, my children would absolutely hate it for that long, so I wouldn't send them. Presumably he knows his own children and what they can and can't manage or would enjoy?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/08/2018 10:11

Describing your daughter and son-in-law as selfish because they take a different view on something you want to do with their children? With the best will in the world, I think you have some boundary issues here, OP.

BewareOfDragons · 13/08/2018 10:11

Personally, I think the children should be allowed to do 'alone' things with grandparents (and parents, and others, etc) because they are individuals, different ages, different interests, different abilities, etc. So not allowing the 10 year old to go because it's 'unfair' to the 6 year old is actually a very unfair dictate.

If there are other reasons, sure. Parents' decision. But if that's the only reason, I hope your Daughter overrules him. Because he's being an arse.

averythinline · 13/08/2018 10:11

You should have asked them and discussed it with the parents

It is up to them not you - they are the parents - you are really overstepping boundaries..
anything else- other family/his holiday/how much you look after the children is irrelevant...

If you've spoken to the children about it that is also very unfair and manipulative ...I think you should apologise to them

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 10:16

It is very unfair of your son il to refuse the 10 yo to go. I’d be wondering about favouritism tbh seeing as he is not the bio father. The 10 yo is nearer in age to a teen and the 6 yo is nearer to a baby than a teen.

Can you go for less time? Have you spoken to your dd about this? There is oodles of difference between looking after a 10 yo and a 6 yo.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 10:17

That'll you unfair to stop the 10 year old because they don't want the 6 year old to miss out but decide she's too young to go.

Their loss

EskSmith · 13/08/2018 10:18

You were looking unreasonable to mention it to your grandchildren before clearing it with their parents.

My 6 year old wouldn't have been ok for so long away from me either, not sure why you think you know better than her parents.
Sounds to me like your daughter might not be keen and your son in law is being the bad guy for her. Accept their decision or you are likely to sour your relationship.

HollyGibney · 13/08/2018 10:23

Sounds to me like your daughter might not be keen and your son in law is being the bad guy for her.

I thought of this too. My ex H used to do it for me when my difficult parents were performing. He couldn't care less about them but I would get very stressed so he was happy to take the heat.

Bluelady · 13/08/2018 10:26

Most parents appreciate child free time, Holly. It appears to be only on MN that people are so reluctant to let their little darlings out of their sight.

bigKiteFlying · 13/08/2018 10:30

Perhaps you should have discussed this with the parents before you asked the children. You have set up a conflict which would have annoyed me as a parent.

^^This.

I also wonder where your DD is in this- as I know a lot of things are blamed on me when they are join or even DH decisions.

I wouldn't have been keen on IL taking DC away when they were younger, they didn’t do child safety, but now it's DH saying no when vague aboard holiday plans are made - based on his experience with being the child in that situation - bored and horrible burnt – that’s not something they want to hear – doesn’t help DH often frames it that way as they argue less with me.

I have no idea why SIL is saying no – perhaps he not perhaps it your DD, perhaps it concerns about place, event, time frame or you looking after them or perhaps it’s something about the children you don’t know – and you’re not going to find out if you are blaming him instead of talking to them.

It doesn't sound selfish - oposite they are turning down childfree time and probably as you seem to have told the children first having to deal with some unhappiness with saying no.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 13/08/2018 10:32

Op it’s really impossible to say. I’m sure my in laws think dh and I are precious and ridiculous as dd hasn’t ever stayed over at theirs alone but the fact is dd is dead set against it. I’ve tried my best to talk her round but she gets herself in such a state. Obviously we’re going to tell in laws that as they’d be so hurt so we make excuses. Not ideal but she’ll grow out of it.

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 13/08/2018 10:33

You cant force people to give up their children, even if they are grandkids, an£ I do realise it’s more tricky if he is a stepfather. However I would also rethink any music festival with kids.
Drugs, alcohol! Loud music, nasty toilets .

I’ve a few friends who as parents and grandparents who’ve taken kids to music arenas for concerts, the children have hated it, at aged 7,8,9as it’s been too loud and intimidating, and they wasted hundreds of pounds, one even did it twice, whereas i’d not have even contemplated it once with a child of that age, it’s for teens and older

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 13/08/2018 10:37

I think you are being unreasonable

diddl · 13/08/2018 10:37

Perhaps he doesn't want the 10yr old to go & is using the 6yr old as an excuse?

What does your daughter say?

Presumably she doesn't want to come with the kids?

At the end of the day though, you want to take the kids, their parents have said no.

Just accept it!

HollyGibney · 13/08/2018 10:38

Most parents appreciate child free time, Holly. It appears to be only on MN that people are so reluctant to let their little darlings out of their sight.

Not in my experience.

PinkyprettyDaisyFlowers · 13/08/2018 10:40

Another friend had her parents book a foreign holiday to take her daughter away with them, my friend had already said no, but they did it anyway, and complained about losing all the money if they had to cancel. So she felt forced into it, and very unhappy. Said child wasn’t the best behaved without her Mum and Dad, as she’s only young.
And I’m sure it won’t be happening again.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 13/08/2018 10:42

Tbh my guesses would be:
A) he doesn’t think it’s a suitable place for either child so is using 6 yr old as excuse
B) he doesn’t think they’ll be properly supervised so is using 6 yr old as excuse
C) he doesn’t want you to take just one as that’s no favour to him as he’s still as home with a child who’s missing out.

diddl · 13/08/2018 10:43

"Most parents appreciate child free time,"

To an extent maybe.

Was happy for the odd hour here & there to get things done, but childfree just for the sake of it?

Not bothered tbh.