Taking grandchildren on holiday

[Goodenoughnan]

I want to take 2 of my grand daughters to a music festival aged 10 and 6. We are hiring a motorhome. My son in law doesnt want the 6 year old to be away from him for four nights (even though he went snowboardng without her for a week recently) and so wont allow the 10 year old to go as it wouldn't be fair to the 6 year old. He is stepfather to the 10 year old - who is desperate to go. The 6 year old also wants to go but is less reliable about being away from her dad. I look after them frequently, seeing them every day and including overnight as I live next door and they like staying. I think my daughter and son in law are being selfish - am I being unreasonable?

DD goes away by herself all the time, with school, with a Christian organisation etc. DS2 is a bit miffed that he can't go, but it's not his class/he's not old enough. Once that's explained, he's fine. Besides, I think DD needs time away from DS2 for her sanity.

OP I think you need to take a close look at your relationship with your son in law as well your posts are very much looking at him and blaming him and nothing about your daughter

Do you want to take my kids? Sounds fab!!

My three and five year olds recently spent a week with my mum and stepfather. They did have a little wobble at night and were glad to be home. In retrospect they were a bit young to be away for a while week even though they love granny and grandpa but it worked out ok in the end. If they ask again I'll probably stipulate that it's for less then a week though.

So are you saying that you initially invited your DD and her kids to go away, without your son in law? Maybe that's what's put their backs up?

I can’t recall that the OP said that all.

I agree Quartz

Believe it or not, some men do actually have a set of balls and an opinion which they are entitled to. My DH would have said no to that festival and he has said no to his parents requests many a time. He is not controlling or manipulative. He is just very concerned about where his DC are going and their safety.

Think the OP needs to take a step back actually because if her son in law is such a man, he won't take too kindly to it.

If he doesn't take kindly to it then OP can presumably stop providing free child care and see how kindly he takes to that.

She doesn’t do free child care though for work they stay over because presumably she wants them to so she is going to lose out just as much

Her dislike of him comes across so surely he and potentially her daughter and grandchildren know

It doesn't come across to me that she dislikes him, just that he's pissed her off.

“But should an older child be kept home for a younger child’s needs / expectations?”

No.

So you live next door to each other. Did you move next to them or did they move next to you?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to keep the 10yo home because the 6yo isn’t ready to be without her parents for 4 nights. I also don’t think either child needs to know that this is the reason (if they k ow anything about it at all), sure fire way to get the 10yo to resent the 6yo.

Is this a stepdaughter vs biological daughter thing?

Also, given the girls spend so much time with you and have previously had 3 nights away from parents, that sister/ aunts/ uncles/ cousins will be there, that it’ll be a festival with lots going on, I suspect the 6yo might not get a chance to miss her parents.

OP - just to warn you. Mumsnet will make this entirely your fault. The attitude to grandparents on here is one of the weirdest things about the place. Don't take it to heart. If it gets nasty, leave before it shakes your self esteem.

So you live next door to each other. Did you move next to them or did they move next to you?

Why do you want to know?

Without all the facts it’s hard to answer, but I appreciate that stepfather doesn’t ship off the DSD to enjoy time with his ”real” family (it should be the norm*, but there’s a lot of shit parenting going around). Not being biologically related can be hard.



PS: Thank you OP for genuinely ASKING AIBU and then acknowledging the opinion of the majority, rather than being defensive!

*Disgusting term IMO.

OP - just to warn you. Mumsnet will make this entirely your fault

Yep. But it looks like the OP has had enough sense to stop posting and let everyone else get on with it.

PS: Thank you OP for genuinely ASKING AIBU and then acknowledging the opinion of the majority, rather than being defensive!

The reality is that there wasn’t a majority opinion.

OP-where is your DD in all of this? Surely is she says the ten year old can go then her step father can’t do a thing about it!

Yep. But it looks like the OP has had enough sense to stop posting and The reality is that there wasn’t a majority opinion.*

I acknowledge I skimmed a lot of the answers, so might have miscalculated there being a majority of YABU. Either way, I was positively surprised by OP’s last post, where she thanked people for their opinion and acknowledged that her opinion wasn’t necessarily the only right one, rather than drip feeding and getting defensive.

I find it absolutely shocking that anyone can be on the father's side in this case. Just goes to show that for many, a grandparent's place is in the wrong.

With you all the way, Bertrand but parents are always right - unless they're also grandparents.

If the OP skewed perspective is right of course the father is wrong - my point is that the way she writes it doesnt sit right or as being particularly believable hence me thinking that the actual scenario is not one that has played out in this thread