Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

I first thought he might be very anxious and struggling with the transition into adulthood, but a few of your other posts have raised some red flags for me.

The questioning her for a week when she turned it off once is obsessive. Now she is an adult she is entitled to some privacy and he doesn't get to know everything she is doing all of the time. Threatening to take her car away if she doesn't comply is again, controlling. Any time you question him, throwing back in your face that you didn't work when the children were young - you were raising your children which is a valid contribution to the household - is also not acceptable. All of these do come across as someone more controlling than anxious, but you know him best.

You also gifted your daughter the car, so your opinion here is equally as valid. I would be sitting him down and telling him that your daughter is an adult now and you need to let her have her own experiences and learn from any mistakes she might make. Make it clear that he cannot take the car away without your agreement. It may result in an argument, but I think some things are worth arguing about.

I agree with PPs that your DH is scared. The threats come from that, and the car takes her further and further away from him.

I feel this. I have an 18 yr old and I'm really upset that it went so quick from being a babe in arms to someone who (might) call me to let me know which pub they are in and whether they are going to be home for tea (or at all).

We have a tracker. Everyone is on it. No-one gets upset. We did ring up the 17 year old at 3am once when we spotted he was in a very dodgy part of London when apparently staying over at a mates.... tracking to a bus stop for which service had finished many hours since... my DH may have slightly lost his shit that night... we were worried that poor choices might have been made, or that he was in trouble.

I have also changed the names of all the takeaways on out tracker to things like "You fat fucker" to help with DH's diet efforts... it now pops up as a message to say DH checked in at Greedy Bastard!

But back to the point. In out house we are all on the tracker. We use it to see when each other will be home for dinner, to check on whether the kids arrived safely somewhere... to help the 17 year old who DOES get lost... so we can immediately look him up and sort directions... to find lost phones.... and sometimes to check up on the kids when either myself or DH have an anxious moment. No one has a problem with it.

I actually dont think the app needs to be deleted. None of you have secrets.... I think checking every 15 mins is excessive and you should be thinking about what DH needs in terms of support for his anxiety. He is at risk of pushing his previous daughter away.

Please don't label him as a bully or an abuser. I think he needs support. He qyite likely still sees his baby where others see an independent young lady.

What is he thinking he'll "catch her out" on? Has she a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Polkahots and I having similar thoughts I think - not as uncommon as people would like to think unfortunately.

Accuses her of "hiding something from him"

Admits it's cos he wants to know "who she's with"

When did this start? Was there an incident or conversation that sparked it?

Hate all this tracking business, it's seriously weird. My teens have quite a few friends whose parents do this - they're all 17/18.

I can think of no reason at all to track each other - if DH suggested it I would laugh at him. As for 'it's great for getting the dinner on', or 'if a bus is late' ....... speechless.

Surely if your 17 year old is lost he can find directions on his phone himself!

I think OP is in denial as to how controlling he is. He brings up stuff - but only in arguments? I'm willing to bet that OP does all she can to avoid arguments. So that he is no controlling.

She has accepted that her voice is not heard, that she is tracked, that she is not a full partner because she looked after the kids rather than worked...And she accepts that her daughter is SOOOOOOOOOOOO loved, so cared-for, that he needs to track her all the time.

And her daughter has NO say in this.

Anyone who thinks this is him being a caring, loving, good father - is seriously blind to the ways of a controlling abuser.

giveitfive - does your ds want to be tracked? What would happen if he turned it off?

Serious question. The answer to that - in OPs case - is that her DD is NOT ALLOWED to turn it off. She is NOT ALLOWED to be independent, to be free to do what she wants. She is 18. She can leave home if she wants. Personally, if I were her, I would. And the first thing I'd do is turn the fucking tracker off.

How long will he track her for?
When she's well into her 20s?
When does it end?

I would be furious at my dad if he did this to me.

I was anxious about my dd when she first passed her test and was off out and about in the car we bought her.It would never have crossed my mind to track her whereabouts, I trusted that if there was a problem then she would let me know.
I would be incredibly worried at what message he is giving to your daughter by doing this. It is telling her that as an adult she doesn't have the right of autonomy which will leave her vulnerable to abuse from others if she is conditioned into thinking this now by her own father.

I agree with Bigsandyballs. No need to track a 17 yo in case they get lost, surely that's the point in them having a phone so they can just call you and then you could track them if they asked you to I guess. What a horrible way to have to live, no trust, no independence and someone constantly checking up on you.

I assumed these apps were made to see if any of your mates are out nearby so you can meet up when out or to find your phone if lost, not for parents to track their adult children. Seriously weird!

If we are going to he late home we call or text like normal people.

Giveitfive - no one should give a shiny shit whether he wants to see her as a baby, she is an 18 yo adult FFS.

As someone who left home at 16 i think this is beyond awful. Shes an 18 year old ADULT old enough to do what she wants without parental permission. It has to end now!

As shes 18 she's entitiled to some privacy & if she has never given either you a reason not to trust her then his behavior has got to stop or chances are big he will push her away, you need to explain your worries to him about the impact his behaviour can have, my biggest concern is studies have shown children who have overbearing and overprotective parents tend to keep a lot more from they parents and as adults share little of they lives with they parents and don't involve them

Hrm, there are none so blind who will not see, indeed.

There are probably upwards of half a million current complaints of grooming and abuse right now, unprecedented mass epidemic proportions that represent a sizeable proportion of the whole young population. Rapes/attacks in the street are rife but that isn't the whole story.

Obviously this needs to stop when you hit 18, but to suggest close vigilance is wrong or weird for younger teens in the current environment just suggests you raised your teens in a different time, or are a tragedy waiting to happen. Whereabouts, last known whereabouts, details of internet usage, not every parent has the time to check these daily but having them available is a good thing.

she is an 18 yo adult FFS

This is the crux of it. Time for him to let her Be.

He needs to know where his adult DD is at all times.
WHen she questions this he threatens to take away a gift, her car.
When you question this he refers to the family home as ‘his roof’.
When you ask for your voice to be heard he tells you that you didn’t work so your opinions don’t matter.

He is abusive. It is not one thing, it is an attitude that permeates how he sees all of you and how he behaves all the time.

I left Ex last year with the DCs. He was controlling too, took me 2-3 years to really see what a number he'd done on me.

He was fond of the "not under my roof" kind of statements. If he'd been tech savvy enough, he's have jumped at the tracking apps. DD was then 17, and he'd still barge into her room even when she was changing, to ask her stuff. He wasn't happy with the idea of them being independent.

OP may have said he's not controlling, but everything else she's posted shows he damn well is.

I don’t understand all this ‘she is 18 and an adult’ comments. She may be able to vote and buy alcohol but really if she is living at home she is part of the family.

We all know where each other are on these apps. It’s not controlling unless you use it to control. I know how long before DH gets home from work. He knows if I’m near Sainsbury’s and could pick up something. The kids know if we are on our way to the pick them up. It’s convenient.

If you want to treat her as an adult she needs to be having this conversation with her father. Not you.

Rather than policing the whereabouts of women and girls in case something happens we'd be better teaching men and boys not to be creepy rapey gits!!

Even IF they're tracked it's not going to stop them being assaulted.

If there's an incident technology as it is now can be applied later to timeline movements.

It's not a good excuse for a creepily overinterested controlling father to permanently track his daughter!

I'm with ciderhouserules - op is downplaying what this guys like.

Op has dd given you any cause to be worried about where she's going and who she's seeing? Any criminal issues, drugs? I'm guessing not from op's response to the fathers actions.

I also left home young at just 18, mainly BECAUSE of a creepy, sexually jealous father!

Creepy as fuck.

If they had a good relationship she could wind him up by going to 'weird' locations, make it a game. Would she think of doing that? Why not?

Would she dare? Why not?

It is a worry when teens become more independent. But unless they are particularly vulnerable (special needs etc) or particularly wild then you do have to let go and trust them to make good decisions.

Teens these days are in much more contact with parents than we ever were with texting, FB etc. No need to track them. Send a text if you're concerned! "Hope you're eve is going well, dont forget last train is 12pm" etc. When I left the house my parents had no way of contacting me.

ImAldoot - this is the point though, no one is saying for younger teens it's not ok. It is useful to have these tools for anyone if any age in the scenarios you have mentioned but not to just check up on adult DCs.

12am! Wouldn't want to live somewhere where last train is midday

Wow he is beyond creepy - in fact I’d say he’s perverse - he’s obsessed with your daughter is a very strange way.

If I were you, I would tell your daughter to remove his access to her location through her phone. Then you, as her bloody mother, should protect your daughter and ell h to do one. Protect her for once!

Blimey OP. I suspect we are actually related, he sounds like my dad!
Him and my mum have been married 35 years, and together for 42. My dad has recently installed a tracker or something on my mums phone, and I also believe the type of cctv they have in their house is the sort he can access on his phone, so he can see when she leaves the house etc.
He has "joked" about her having an affair for years, despite the fact he cheated on her when they'd been dating about 6 months. She has never been anything but loyal to him, but he still jokes that she is having an affair with a black man called Winston. I shit you not. I swear he's actually insane.
The saddest part? She is so conditioned to it now, she just shrugs her shoulders ans says, you know what he's like.
When I lived at home it was very much "my house, my rules" so i know how your daughter feels.
It's rubbed off on my mum though. If I go anywhere (even at the age of 34) I have to text to say I am there/home safe. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I just don't want to. I can guarantee I will get a call asking why I didn't text, or she'll panic. If my mum knows my 13 year old DD has gone out, I again have to let her know when she is home.
My dad used to ring EVERY. DAY. to just see how we was, and check we was "happy" If I missed the call, he'd just ring until I picked up, usually met with a sarcastic passive agressive "oh so there you are" as a way of hello.
Kind of fucked up now I read all that back. I always thought we had a close, caring family, but my dad is actually a control freak, and it's his way or the high way.
Trust me, your daughter won't thank him in the long run, and this behaviour is belittling and does nothing for someones confidence and self esteem.

Fossie - the situations mentioned don't have any need for tracking though, what's up with communicating? If everyone is ok with it then not an issue but surely an 18 yo should have a say in it? What if a 30 yo loves at home also, would you check up on them?

If I need something from Sainsbury then I call or text DH, I don't track him to see if he's nearby, even if he's not I probably still need whatever it is.