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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

471 replies

staraw · 12/08/2018 21:36

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 13/08/2018 10:23

I have heard of people doing this sometime without the child's knowledge although not with children over 18. It sounds as if your DD knows about it which doesn't seem so bad but by threatening to take the car away he is effectively blackmailing her which is really not on. It sounds as if he is very anxious but this is probably making him worse. You need to back your DD up and stop this.

itbemay · 13/08/2018 10:25

This is really odd behaviour. Firstly to even think of taking the car back that you bought for her if she isn't compliant and tracking her!! She is 18 years old, and an adult. you need to stop this crazy behaviour immediately otherwise your daughter will think this is normal and it isn't. has your dp always been like this? I understand its hard when they first start driving but you have to let go at some point, how long does he expect to be able to do this? until she moves out?

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 10:30

This reply has been deleted

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ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 10:33

From what I know about my DD's (similar aged) friends, a lot of them hide their whereabouts from their parents when they are out - but do they get the third degree when they get back and the trackers been turned off? Do they get threatened with gifts being removed? Do the parents feel they have the right to know what their child is doing and where?

Dungeondragon15 · 13/08/2018 10:34

It's not weird or odd. He is clearly just very anxious about her now that she is driving. Unfortunately other parents do this too, sometimes without their DCs knowledge. He does need to stop though and OP needs to stand up to him as apart from the fact that it is wrong, his actions will probably backfire

ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 10:36

ansum the tracker only shows where the phone is. If your child turns the tracker off, do you go mad? Remove their possessions? Demand to know what they are doing, and with whom?

Even if your child is in a drugden, you would only see a street name. If s/he is in an accident, you'd only see a street name.

How are you more caring than a parent who lets their child out without a tracker?

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 10:36

You are just probably an awful parent and couldn’t care less what happens to your kids

Total Weirdo GrinGrinGrin

ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 10:38

dungeons you say it's not weird or odd, but in the same post you say it's wrong. Hmm

You say he needs ot stop - she has tried to turn it off of her own volition, and not been 'allowed' to. You don't think that is weird or odd? Or controlling?????

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 10:40

ZanyMobster

I take it you’ve always lived close to your mum, then? I’ve been living in a different country to my parents since I was 17. There’s NO WAY I would call my mum and frighten her if I was going the hospital until I knew what the outcome is, no. There is nothing she can do and would be awful for her.

Do none of you people have snap chat, because my friends know where each other are all the time through that, if they wanted to look.

I think the difference is op’s daughter not wanting have find my friend on her phone and the threats. That’s completely different- myself and my brother couldn’t care less if mum sees we are at the cinema.
Threatening to take away a car isn’t normal, that goes without saying

hammeringinmyhead · 13/08/2018 10:41

Do I need to say again that someone who has openly stated he is checking who she is with is not concerned about her driving safely from A to B? I guess so.

ciderhouserules · 13/08/2018 10:41

I think that if an adult wants to be tracked, doesn't mind other adults knowing where she is and what she's doing, then fine.

If she doesn't want another adult to know, then she should be 'allowed' to turn it off Hmm without repercussions. It's her life.

Pinkvoid · 13/08/2018 10:42

There was a Black Mirror episode in the new series where the Mother had a tracking device inserted into her young daughter. She could actually watch what her daughter was doing... it got very, very creepy as her daughter was growing up and the ending was shocking. Get him to watch that!

Spying on his daughter is unacceptable. Tell your daughter to turn the function off.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 10:42

Threatening to take away a car isn’t normal, that goes without saying

Oh you’ve bothered to read the thread now Grin

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 10:49

Helmetbymidnight

Threatening to take away a car isn’t normal, that goes without saying

Oh you’ve bothered to read the thread now

Na I haven’t, I’m too busy looking after my kids. I’m just replying because your ‘weirdo’ remark was offensive and people hiding behind their keyboards being rude are the saddest of sad

ZanyMobster · 13/08/2018 10:50

Sorry my comment didn't do come out how I meant it, you said she tracked you and it reassured her you weren't in hospital etc, but what if she tracked you and you were in the hospital, surely it would panic her?!

It's not about her seeing where you are, its an invasion of privacy and is only ok to do to other adults if they have your permission, which your mum does for you and your DB. Your DCs at 18 may not give you permission.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 10:51

ansums posts:

He’s a great dad! You must be a crap parent if you don’t stalk your adult children.

(Oh yeah, ok, it goes without saying that threatening to take her car away isn’t normal.)

Dearie me.

Ansumpasty · 13/08/2018 10:53

Checking up on them when they are a vulnerable 18 year old in a club is responsible parenting.

Checking up on which shop they are in every 15 minutes in the day time and threatening to take cars away isn’t. I don’t think that needs an explanation...

Dungeondragon15 · 13/08/2018 10:54

dungeons you say it's not weird or odd, but in the same post you say it's wrong.

That is because "weird" and "odd" is not the same thing as wrong!Hmm Weird or odd would imply that it is very unusual behaviour which unfortunately it isn't. I know a few people who do this and not always with the child's knowledge.

ZanyMobster · 13/08/2018 10:57

Some of the behaviour on here is bizarre, being a good parent is bringing your DCs up well enough you can trust them and don't need to track them. I think it is awful some of you feel you have the right to track adult children and those who don't are bad parents.

My 12 and 10 year old walked by themselves to their sports camp today which is a 5 minute walk without any roads to cross. I care about them very much of course and worry constantly but it would not cross my mind to track them to make sure they are there ok, I have to give them some freedom and responsibility. I actually wouldn't disagree with doing so for young DCs like mine but there really is no need. I have used it so far when one of them lost his phone. I would do it if I needed to but not yet to randomly check up on them for no real reason.

ChoudeBruxelles · 13/08/2018 10:57

That’s weird and controlling. I sometimes check where ds (12) is if he’s late or been out for ages. Big difference car between a 12 and 18 year old though

ZanyMobster · 13/08/2018 10:59

Ansum - what exactly would you find out by tracking them in a club, anything could be happening to them anywhere. If they are truly vulnerable and there is a real reason for tracking maybe we are talking about a different scenario but generally an 18 yo in a club are not vulnerable. They are ADULTS on a night out.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/08/2018 10:59

Checking up on which shop they are in every 15 minutes in the day time and threatening to take cars away isn’t. I don’t think that needs an explanation.

Grin you are the one (the only one) who said he sounds like a great dad.

Nice back tracking.

You know you don’t have to give an opinion, you could read the information available first maybe?

Booboostwo · 13/08/2018 11:00

He needs to know where his adult DD is at all times.
WHen she questions this he threatens to take away a gift, her car.
When you question this he refers to the family home as ‘his roof’.
When you ask for your voice to be heard he tells you that you didn’t work so your opinions don’t matter.

He is abusive. It is not one thing, it is an attitude that permeates how he sees all of you and how he behaves all the time.

SlothMama · 13/08/2018 11:03

He's behaving in a very strange and controlling way, I understand why you'd want to be able to see her location in case something happened. But to check it so frequently and for him to get so defensive, and to threaten to take away her car if she stops him seeing her location is very weird.

This isn't acceptable, she's an adult he cannot stalk her for the rest of her life, this will have very bad consequences for their relationship

Ignoramusgiganticus · 13/08/2018 11:04

My mum, dh, me and dd can all track each other if we want. It's not controlling, it's just interesting or helpful to know where people are sometimes - however 16 year old ds doesn't want to be tracked and that's fine too. That's his right, even at 16. His is therefore disabled.

The difference in this situation is that dh won't accept that his adult daughter has a right to privacy and is trying to blackmail her into complying. Whether that is through anxiety or through abusive control, it still means that you and dd both need to assert that this isn't acceptable or right and should not be allowed to continue, however it's cause is important as to how it's handled. Firm but sympathetic, if it's based on anxiety. If it's just unreasonable controlling behaviour, it raises a lot of red flags as to whether you should ltb or not.