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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my SIL to do this...

118 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 09:10

But if a back story.

My DH and his DB haven’t spoken to each other in 40 years even when he came to our wedding he didn’t speak to my DH!!

My FIL is in hospital but is being allowed to attend my daughters wedding next Saturday. The problem we have is getting him there.
We didn’t invite SIL and BIL to the wedding, (they didn’t invite us to theirs) but this morning I have sent her a text asking if she will get FIL ready and escort him to church and then take him home. I have offered to pay for taxi etc. But now I think that is a bit cheeky, she hasn’t replied yet!
AIBU to ask her to you think 🤔

OP posts:
deepsea · 11/08/2018 10:30

Set him up on face time, and ask someone to film the wedding in real time and then he will be there. You can toast him during the reception and bring back cake and other goodies.

No way can you possibly take a very frail ill man on a 160 mile round trip in one day. What are you thinking?!! Seriously...poor chap.

westendwellies · 11/08/2018 10:34

Your “raw deal” is of your own making. I really can’t see how you can’t see what you did was awful. Have you no social skills?

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 10:34

Just had a message from her saying “of course that will be fine.” So maybe I wasn’t a CF after all.

OP posts:
ProseccoPoppy · 11/08/2018 10:36

Aw that is a nice update - you have a kind SIL.

AlphabetSoupcon · 11/08/2018 10:37

This is BrideMotherzilla at it’s finest!

Get over yourself!

AlphabetSoupcon · 11/08/2018 10:37

No you didn’t. 🙄

TheIcon · 11/08/2018 10:38

Yes, you were a cheeky fucker. There are thousands of posts of people doing what cheeky fuckers request. Just because she agreed doesn't mean you aren't what you really are.

AmyRhodes · 11/08/2018 10:38

While I agree that it is a slightly cheeky request, I also sympathise with @crazydoglady6867

Clearly, she's dealing with a stubborn husband and only wants an ill family member to be there for the church service, only to get told she's the "cheeky fucker we all talk about." Way harsh. She's tackling 2 dickhead brothers who won't do anything to help their wives or their gravely ill father, plus it was @crazydoglady6867 who DID initially invite the BIL to her own wedding.

@crazydoglady6867 Yes, a bit cheeky, but your options were limited and I feel for you. Expect a no, but I hope you find a solution.

Original poster
crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 10:38

ptosecco I think so too.

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 11/08/2018 10:39

Just had a message from her saying “of course that will be fine.”

Gosh, that's handy.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/08/2018 10:39

If I was your SIL and WE hadn’t fallen out over the years, even if the db’s aren’t talking, then I’d happily help our joint FiL attend his granddaughters wedding. I think your text was polite and friendly, I wouldn’t worry about it. She can say no if she doesn’t want to help HIM attend.

I hope you all have a lovely

AmyRhodes · 11/08/2018 10:40

Ah, just seen the update.

Glad your SIL has a bit more compassion and understanding of complex family situations than some of the meanies who posted here.

Enjoy your DD's day x

Lollypop701 · 11/08/2018 10:40

I was just about to say, I wouldn’t mind being asked in these circumstances. If you don’t ask you don’t get, and maybe sil sees this as bridge building. I would take someone I love to something they wanted to go to if I could! Hope this is the next step for you all, your fil would be probably very happy. Enjoy the day

KurriKurri · 11/08/2018 10:40

Well I wasn'r invited to my sister's daughter's wedding (we are not on the best terms) but I did go down and help my Dad get ready (he had alzheimer's and was pretty bemused by the whole thing, basically had no idea why he was being persuaded into a suit - so all a bit daft)
But I did it because it saved my Mum being hassled on the day of I sorted him out, and it helped Dad - who enjoyed himself when he got there.

So I would do it - although I did think it was a cheeky request as I wasn;t invited, but it was my Dad so I just saw it as helping him get ready for an event he was going to.
On the day my sister said 'oh you can come along to the reception later if you want and have a bit of cake' (knowing I didn't have anything suitable to wear with me - I declined and just turned up at the end to ferry Mum and Dad home)

My sister did send me a bouquet of flowers after the whole thing and thank me for my help - so maybe you could do something like that if your SIL agrees.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 11/08/2018 10:43

Sorry, cross posted with you. That’s great news, it’ll make your day much easier knowing he’s with family.

KurriKurri · 11/08/2018 10:44

Totally cross posted Grin

Chocolate1984 · 11/08/2018 10:46

I'm going against the grain here. It wouldn't bother me. I don't get on with one of my SIL but that's our problem. If I knew my mum or dad had been invited somewhere and needed help getting there I would have made arrangements myself.

AmyRhodes · 11/08/2018 10:50

Good for your SIL. It's easy to be kind to your friends, but is a real show of character to do something kind for someone who's not your friend.

Kindness itself was in fairly short supply on this thread, my God.

Kannet · 11/08/2018 10:53

Maybe see this as a chance to build bridges and invite them

kateandme · 11/08/2018 10:54

reach out.text or ring her apologising for you shouldn't have discussed a thing like this in text.but that you desperate for fil to come to the wedding so is there some way you can put all your stuff aside and work together to get him there.

kateandme · 11/08/2018 10:57

I don't think it cheeky.i think its very mature and adult to try and work together for your daughter and her grandfather to be together on this special day even when you don't get on with someone so it might cause a bit of pain for you both.maybe you could send her some flowers or a card.as I think this is a really nice thing when so many arguments in families for so long can turn really bitter.

Orchidflower1 · 11/08/2018 11:04

I think you should be very appreciative of your generous sil

DragonNoodleCake · 11/08/2018 11:07

If I was the SIL I would do it. I'd want my FIL to make the wedding of my niece his granddaughter. I'd also want to do this to spend the time with him if he is ill (maybe not around for much longer) I'd want to go too. But I wouldn't have let my DH's relationship with his DB get in the way of knowing my DN in the first place. I would have had a conversation years ago with you about how (the wives) manage family circumstances and occasions. The issue here is the husbands can't sort themselves out. They'd would have been told as much!

rudeycrudey · 11/08/2018 11:07

What is your SIL supposed to do while the ceremony is going on? Is she just expected to hang around. As I am assuming she wouldn't go back home if it's 40 miles away.
Can you organise a cab to bring him?
Or pick him up the night before and have home stay with you overnight?
If I was the SIL, I wouldn't reply to you.

ApolloandDaphne · 11/08/2018 11:12

I guess the issue is between your DH and his brother not between you and your SIL so she hasn't got a problem helping out you and your FIL.

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