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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my SIL to do this...

118 replies

crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 09:10

But if a back story.

My DH and his DB haven’t spoken to each other in 40 years even when he came to our wedding he didn’t speak to my DH!!

My FIL is in hospital but is being allowed to attend my daughters wedding next Saturday. The problem we have is getting him there.
We didn’t invite SIL and BIL to the wedding, (they didn’t invite us to theirs) but this morning I have sent her a text asking if she will get FIL ready and escort him to church and then take him home. I have offered to pay for taxi etc. But now I think that is a bit cheeky, she hasn’t replied yet!
AIBU to ask her to you think 🤔

OP posts:

Elenorrigbywoes · 11/08/2018 09:50

I would look into a personal assistant for the day.

Moody123 · 11/08/2018 09:52

I don't see why you can't do it, if your daughter wants him there then she will have to accept you will need to get him. Your the mother, I don't understand why 'you will be so busy' not to be able to get someone who wants to be their so much !

Yes I've been married and my mother wasn't busy at all I don't understand why you think you will be, that's what her bridesmaids are for ?

TidyDancer · 11/08/2018 09:53

I don't understand why someone already going to the wedding can't do this. You have been very cheeky. It should really be your or your DH.

They could use this as an opportunity to sort out their feud maybe.

westendwellies · 11/08/2018 09:53

Best thing you can do now is text and apologise to your SIL , say after you sent the text you realised it was an imposition and sorry to have troubled her.

Then let your DH sort out his own mess.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/08/2018 09:56

I don't get why this situation is so funny TBH

Is there another invited guest who could accompany FIL?

deepsea · 11/08/2018 09:56

Oh god you are the CF that we all talk about.

Make your own arrangements and after such bad feeling to expect her to do anything to help the wedding plans is pretty outrageous (assuming also she isn't invited!!!)

Jeez and you are asking us whether you are being U, of course you are!

Yes text her back and say you are sorry to bother her and will make your

viques · 11/08/2018 10:01

I feel sorry for your fil, he is clearly a very poorly person, to expect him to be washed, shaved and dressed up (I am assuming you don't want him to turn up in his pjs with stubble) by strangers at the hospital, driven on an eighty mile round trip with another stranger to sit in a church for half an hour to see his granddaughter married to someone he probably doesn't know very well, then to be shipped off back to the hospital in the taxi with the unknown carer without even getting something to eat (hope the hospital has saved his lunch) seems a very selfish way to treat him. What is more you seem to want this all to happen with the minimum of disruption to the wedding party, especially yourself and your husband.

It's only a week to the wedding, why are you only now making your inadequate plans for the poor old chap to be day released from hospital? You could have made contingency plans some time ago.

Original poster

crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 10:02

What actually is a CF?

OP posts:

Beingthere · 11/08/2018 10:03

Think of it this way, pretend you are giving a dinner party and you haven’t invited your BIL because your DH hasn’t spoken to him for 40 years, but lots of other family members are invited. However you text DB’s wife, also not invited by default, and ask her to wait tables for you.

That’s what you did!

Makeupaddikt · 11/08/2018 10:03

So who is taking him back to hospital if hewill need transport & assistance?

Probably better if you arrange for your daughter to go and see him after she is married, still in her dress before the reception x

FASH84 · 11/08/2018 10:08

@crazydoglady6867 CF=cheeky fucker

Gazelda · 11/08/2018 10:12

Does your FIL really want to go to the wedding? What were the arrangements for his attending previously?
Why isn't your DH sorting this?
Wouldn't your FIL be upset to leave one half of his family at the church door while he goes inside to join you?
If his health issues include dementia, then it is possibly kinder for him not to attend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2018 10:13

Still not sure why your DH can't get his own father, tbh though.

Original poster

crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 10:15

viques. He only fell ill a week ago we had plans already. They have just changed that is all. I think I am getting a raw deal here tbh. If we invited them they would not have come. I would expect her to stay in the church he won’t manage any more than the service but as I have been such a villain I suppose I will tell him he can’t come as yes we will all be too busy on the day to do an 80 mile round trip twice. My bad😩

OP posts:

ProseccoPoppy · 11/08/2018 10:16

OP I think your DH should go and get his father.

I don’t think you will be anything like as busy as you think you will on the morning of the wedding though. I paid for my mum to have her hair and makeup done (which took an hour in total) but that was all she needed to do.

choli · 11/08/2018 10:22

I suppose I will tell him he can’t come as yes we will all be too busy on the day to do an 80 mile round trip twice. My bad😩

Yes, indeed, you and your immediate family's "bad". Leave the poor, ill old man alone, he probably has no wish to go to a wedding that you say he is only vaguely aware is taking place.

Original poster

crazydoglady6867 · 11/08/2018 10:25

choli. It is actually the only thing he has remembered since falling ill, so thanks for that.

OP posts:

Pinkvoid · 11/08/2018 10:26

And the CF of the day award goes to...

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 11/08/2018 10:27

we will all be too busy on the day to do an 80 mile round trip twice

But you didn't think that your SIL might not feel inclined to do this same trip to escort someone to a wedding they were essentially unaware of and which she was excluded from?

LadyLapsang · 11/08/2018 10:27

Are you sure he will still be in hospital in a week? My experience is that people are discharged as soon as possible. Also, are you really sure he wants to attend and isn't just doing it for you? Maybe given he is so poorly a visit from the newly weds, look through the early photos, some wedding cake and some flowers from the church or her bouquet would be more enjoyable for him.

sleepyhead · 11/08/2018 10:27

Your dh should collect him. You may have to compromise with some things that you had planned for the morning to make that happen.

If you're not willing for the day not to go exactly as planned then let's be honest, you're not that fussed about him being there.

What does your dd say? Does she care about her grandfather being there? What's she willing to compromise on to make that happen?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 11/08/2018 10:27

To be fair you said My FIL can just about understand it is the wedding on Saturday so Choli based that post on that I imagine....

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2018 10:28

TBH if he is that ill that he's an inpatient and suffering what sounds like a lot of confusion (is it a UTI?), it's probably best for everyone (primarily him) that he doesn't go.

My grandma was perfectly well at my wedding in 2002 and in fact she looked after my DS the night before and after the wedding. By the time my sister got married in 2006 she had full blown dementia and really shouldn't have been there. She was physically okay but couldn't remember who was getting married and kept loudly interrupting during the speeches.

(Neither my sister or I would have minded this but we both knew that she had a lifelong hatred of "making a scene" and would have been so embarrassed to have seen herself act like that.)

KittyHawke80 · 11/08/2018 10:29

MoBs don’t need to be busy, unless they’re the type to insert themselves into the middle of everything, fuck it up, manufacture a load of unnecessary drama and get on everyone’s nerves.

LadyLapsang · 11/08/2018 10:29

Also, could someone video / stream the service to him.

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