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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Boyfriend never got me a birthday present...

93 replies

Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:13

Hi,

Been with him for 3 years, 1 DS together who is 6 months old,

First birthday as a mum, woke up to 2 cards, one of him & a mummy one from my son, no presents, no flowers, no nothing.

I was shocked as every year I go above and beyond for him (weekends away, birthday party's, watches, clothes etc...)

I am not the type of girl who wants to be lavished with expensive gifts, what I was most upset about is he never even got me something little of our son I could keep as a memory of my first present off him, nothing.

When I asked him after card giving if there was any presents he acted asif it was normal he hasn't got me anything, his answer after me starting to cry was 'I was gonna take you the shops so you could pick something & we're going out for tea aren't we'

AIBU to be upset and hurt by this?
I just don't feel special at all, no thought or anything has been put into me for my day, but when it is his birthday I spend weeks/months saving and planning what to do for him.

no suprises planned, trust me. He has nothing planned.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 10/08/2018 12:30

What a shame, OP. If it's any consolation, I don't remember what DS gave me for my birthday, the first year or any other year. You'll have much better memories!
It's not so much that I think you're being unreasonable - I think you're entirely entitled to be disappointed, I honestly do - but I would hate to think that you're going to be disappointed year after year, and it sounds as though you and your DH just don't see birthdays with the same level of investment. Comes up on MN a lot. You'll get lots of comments, I imagine, but my two penn'orth is that it requires compromise and acceptance - both parties have to move towards a middle line, and accept the necessity of adapting a bit, so that birthdays don't become a resentful battleground into perpetuity.

saltnvinegarchips · 10/08/2018 12:30

Happy birthday op Cake

That does sound shit, sorry you've cried on your birthday. That's not a good start. What's he usually like? What did he get you last year?

Thanks
saltnvinegarchips · 10/08/2018 12:32

There seems to be a theme on mn that when someone has a baby suddenly their dp thinks birthdays and presents don't matter anymore.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/08/2018 12:36

Some would be surprised and grateful that their DP actually managed the two cards and going out to tea!
Saving and planning for ‘weeks/months’ for his birthday could be a little OTT.
Maybe your day will improve.

NonaGrey · 10/08/2018 12:38

but when it is his birthday I spend weeks/months saving and planning what to do for him.

And have you raised this point with him? Explained that present buying goes two ways?

HollowTalk · 10/08/2018 12:38

Yes, well some on MN are grateful for anything at all and it's very sad to witness.

He's taking you for tea - which presumably he'll eat himself, too, so he'll benefit as much as you? That's not a present!

It's really not fair that you've spoiled him and he's treated you like that.

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:40

@saltnvinegarchips

Last year was another disaster, well not entirely... He took me to a spa for the night the day before my birthday, then the morning of my birthday he actually forgot! No happy birthday or card the morning of it, it got to around 1pm and I asked had he really forgot the whole reason he had took me to a spa & that's when he finally said 'happy birthday'

Birthdays with him haven't been great as I can see he isn't as thoughtful as me in that sense, but it still upsets me because I go out my way to make him feel special, it baffles me why he can't do the same for me for ONE day of the year.

I'm probably being dramatic but I'm just sick of the lack of romance. I'm 23, shoot me for wanting to feel special!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:41

@Beeziekn33ze yes some may see it as OTT, but that's just who I am, I love seeing people happy because of something I've done/bought for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:43

@NonaGrey yes I have pointed this out, I said to him I don't expect the same in return as I can go over the top sometimes but I do at least expect something little for my birthday, he claims he understands and feels bad but that doesn't excuse the fact that he has done it now.

I'm now left feeling shitty on my birthday, I just wanted him to think about me for once like I do him.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 10/08/2018 12:43

It's really not fair that you've spoiled him and he's treated you like that. I do see that point, but when people go OTT on birthdays and then expect the same in return, I find it coercive, to be really honest.

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:45

@HollowTalk THANK YOU!!

I don't see going out for tea as any sort of present as he is enjoying the same thing, it is nothing special just for me is it? & as for the 'ill buy you something from the shops' I can easily do that myself any day, him actually going out of his way to pick something nice for me is what I would of expected.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 10/08/2018 12:45

I don't expect the same in return as I can go over the top sometimes but I do at least expect something little for my birthday Fair enough, OP, I crossposted with you, and was really responding to the other poster more than you, so please don't take the coercive comment as harsh. Not meant to be, it was much more general than that.

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:47

@MrsSteptoe I don't expect the same, I've stated that.

I've said I can be OTT, I simply wanted a little something on my birthday. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to ask for that.

I was just stating that I go out my way every year to make HIM feel special. It's not about money, it's about him on his birthday having the best day.

OP posts:
Fang2468 · 10/08/2018 12:47
  1. stop going to so much trouble for his birthday- that would make me feel uncomfortable as the receiver.
  2. tell him what you want. He’s not a mind reader. I ask my dh what he wants and he asks me.

Sorry youre upset though, it’s probably better to let it go this year and enjoy your birthday tea out.

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:47

@MrsSteptoe haha I've done the same!

OP posts:
ChaffyMcChaff · 10/08/2018 12:48

Well you really need to stop going so over the top then don't you...because clearly it's not that important to him! Very mean of him, but lesson learnt OP! Happy birthday 💐

Immigrantsong · 10/08/2018 12:49

Why have you put up with this shitty behaviour for so long? He frankly sounds completely useless. Does he have any redeeming qualities or is he a selfish man child?

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:49

@Fang2468 trust me he doesn't feel uncomfortable! Grin

& he did ask me and I stated 'you can get me anything I'm easy'

And it looks like he's took that as nothing...

OP posts:
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 12:50

If he’s otherwise redeemable - I’d suggest you both consider reading the 5 love languages book together. Sounds like your expectations are possibly mismatched and that book can put it in perspective & help each of you to recognise and act on each others’ needs in a way that makes for a more fulfilling relationship with fewer moments like these. It helped us a lot and many other couples I know. Smile

HollowTalk · 10/08/2018 12:50

But I don't think he IS feeling uncomfortable when she treats him!

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:50

@ChaffyMcChaff don't worry, I won't be going OTT again.

& @Immigrantsong I'm starting to think he is just a man child.

OP posts:
TightropeWalk · 10/08/2018 12:54

It wouldn’t bother me. Especially not a present from a 6 month old 🙄 I mean it would be obviously the child had had no input... therefore it would mean nothing. However it’s your life so if it bothers you and you had an expectation then you need to make sure the people close to you are aware. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to live up to something in your head. My oh would not waste money believing that was the right thing to do. He doesn’t think like me.

TightropeWalk · 10/08/2018 12:55

That reads like I’m grumpy. I’m not!

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 13:00

@TightropeWalk he new what I expected, I got him a present from our DS for his birthday which he has kept next to our bed and absolutely loved as it was special between the 2 of them, if he didn't know I expected that then he must be absolutely clueless.

Yes you can say he's 6 months old and can't pick a present which I understand but it is something special to me as it's our first birthday together. I understand some people think stuff like that is stupid but not me Smile

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 10/08/2018 13:01

OP please for your sake speak to him and openly as men like him don't understand anything but clear and open conversations. State what you expect and draw your kind of future expectations of him as a partner. A lot of times these issues stem from personality differences, so hopefully an open chat will do the trick. If it doesn't then he is a tight arsehole and you need to think of that is who you want to be with. Get him to redo your birthday this weekend after your chat today. Mean business and be very clear. All the best.

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