My Boyfriend never got me a birthday present...

[Gemxo]

Hi,

Been with him for 3 years, 1 DS together who is 6 months old,

First birthday as a mum, woke up to 2 cards, one of him & a mummy one from my son, no presents, no flowers, no nothing.

I was shocked as every year I go above and beyond for him (weekends away, birthday party's, watches, clothes etc...)

I am not the type of girl who wants to be lavished with expensive gifts, what I was most upset about is he never even got me something little of our son I could keep as a memory of my first present off him, nothing.

When I asked him after card giving if there was any presents he acted asif it was normal he hasn't got me anything, his answer after me starting to cry was 'I was gonna take you the shops so you could pick something & we're going out for tea aren't we'

AIBU to be upset and hurt by this?
I just don't feel special at all, no thought or anything has been put into me for my day, but when it is his birthday I spend weeks/months saving and planning what to do for him.

no suprises planned, trust me. He has nothing planned.

I was just thinking about this in the bath - when I was 23, I'd have felt EXACTLY the same as you, except I wouldn't have been as sensible as to vent on a forum (and 23 was 32 years ago for me, so they didn't exist anyway) - I'd just have caused an almighty row that would have rumbled on for days.

And the problem with MN is, sometimes you come on and all you want to do is shout BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, and get a bit of sympathy, and then get on with your day having put yourself right with the world. And instead you get lots of 55 year old gimmers like me coming on and taking it all much too seriously. So ignore me, OP: shake it off, talk about it with your DH (at some point in the future when you can do so without too much emotion rattling around) if you want to, and enjoy your birthday tea!

(And send yourself some flowers that he pays for.) x

I really don’t like to let these things simmer. I’d say unless he never wants anything for his birthday again we can call Saturday my bday and you can have found something you think I’d like. I don’t feel like waiting till next year. If you really think that’s unreasonabke I’d probably then take the present from your ds (was it a photo?) and say I thought you appreciated this sob, I might give it to your mum. And put it away. Basically not letting it just go until next year. If he knows there will not only be a row but he will still have to do it, he is much more likely to remember. BUT, you go to way too much effort for his. Dial it back. And YABU to get very upset when he had just taken you to a spa for your birthday.

If he is otherwise great, you need to blatantly remind him numerous times.
eg 'Can I just remind you that it really upsets me when you don't bother about a card and present on my birthday. So get it sorted this year. A nice bunch of flowers from a florist not a petrol station, and a photoframe with a picture of you and DS in would be lovely'.

Or 'Can I just remind you that it really upsets me when you don't bother about a card and present on my birthday. So here is a list for you to choose from if it helps. One from you and one from DS will make me very happy instead of the usual very upset. And it would be lovely if you and DS gave me them with a cup of tea in bed and said Happy Birthday'

He needs training up.

If having lots of fuss and presents and celebration on your birthday is very important to you, to the extent that you feel very upset when it doesn't happen, you need to be very, very clear in telling him so.

& he did ask me and I stated 'you can get me anything I'm easy'

And it looks like he's took that as nothing..

Why on earth didn't you tell him when he asked?!

@timeisnotaline sorry just to clarify, I didn't get very upset! I was just stating he hasn't been great with birthdays as last year he forgot it, of course I was grateful and happy with the spa treat, just saying to another poster it's an ongoing thing with birthdays..

OP, from experience, this will not change and nor will the hurt feeling go away. I feel that it’s mainly down to laziness, a feeling of not wanting to bother together with a lack of imagination as what to get. Your DH fails to understand that you view his getting you a gift as an expression of love just as your birthday treats for him are given out of love. I think this typically Male attitude is entrenched and invariably follows marriage/birth of first child ie once he feels secure in your commitment and no longer needs to “court” you.
You can either choose to put up with it, seek couple counselling so he can gain more empathy or decide to ltb when you feel able to do so.

Wow, either you lot are really high maintenance or I'm very low! I stopped giving a shit about my birthday mid-20s. He got you 2 cards and said he was taking you shopping and you cried? How old are you?

@mostdays he knows what I like I didn't realise it had to be written in black & white.

How can me saying I'm easy mean get me nothing, I'm easy means he knows the stuff I like and would be happy with

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy think you've missed parts of this thread, he only offered to take me the shops after he told me he hadn't got me anything.
I cried about the not getting me anything keepsake off my son, new mum and obviously highly emotional about that sort of stuff. Sorry if that offends you.

It doesn't offend me, just amazed that grown women make such a fuss...

Happy Birthday OP. I have been in your situation, my ex was awful at birthdays and it always made me feel unvalued. It's not a lot to ask to feel special on your birthday. Hope your day improves

I think it's a bit shit OP. He should have got you a present. Regardless of what you do for him on his birthday, it's just an opportunity to show that you're appreciated and he's put a bit of thought into doing something nice for you.

I really think there's two types of people in the world.. those who enjoy giving and love the planning that goes into getting a good gift and love the happiness that it brings to people.
And then there's the people are just not arsed. They don't get the pleasure from gifting and planning etc so don't really get it when others are disappointed that they've made no effort because they just don't feel the same way about it.

Let him take you to the shops, pick something expensive. Next time when it's his birthday just give him an amazon voucher

Happy birthday 🍰

I will go mainly against the grain here I think, but my husbands family don't do birthdays, so he never even gave mine a thought, he does try after 26 years, I do now get a card and sometimes a present, but he is great in so many other ways I let it slide, it's one day, and he got you a card at least, and is taking you out for dinner, maybe next year set your expectations lower and start reminding him a week or so before your birthday if you want something doing or planning.

Treat him as he treats you op!

He definitely needs training up as suggested. Why not send him links to or photos of things you’d like for your birthday - at least two to three weeks in advance. Reasonable things.

I’m married a long time. It took me getting a casserole pot for Xmas for me to understand I need to take some control to guide things how I would like them to be and my expectations. I can report after 25 plus years of marriage, I am sometimes surprised with amazing birthday gifts (and Christmas). My husband did not grow up in a family that made a special day for birthdays, cake, presents, parties etc

Happy 23rd birthday!
If he had never made a birthday special, may I suggest the following?
I would like to suggest that next year, you save for yourself as well as your DP's birthday and buy the thing you would like to have yourself. Give it to him, with wrapping and tell him what he bought you.
It means you always get an appropriate gift and so won't be disappointed. It doesn't fix the DP problem, but it might make you feel a little less disappointed on the day each year from now on.

My dh is a bit thoughtless with birthdays. I used to get really upset but try and focus on the positives.
Mothers day I don't get much so will just say come on everyone let's get breakfast together somewhere. A meal out with your family isn't so bad. When your ds is a bit older im sure he will get you nice things himself. My boys are lovely like that

Like so many problems in life, with this one you can either:

• work harder to solve it, or
• lower your expectations.

So you can either make sure, in the month or so before your next birthday, that you remind him how important it is to you, and tell him what to buy, or you can accept that birthdays aren’t that big a deal for him.

My DH is brilliant at buying presents and I am useless. He does all the present-buying. He just has a knack for mooching round the shops or the internet and finding something that the person will really appreciate.

For me, buying presents for my DH is impossible. He has two hobbies, but I haven’t a clue how to buy anything related to them that he would appreciate. He has no interest in clothes or grooming products.

So now, we don’t bother giving xmas or birthday presents to each other. If there is something we both fancy having for the house, we buy that and call it our joint present. It works quite well because, since it’s a present, it doesn’t have to be something useful where expenditure is justified. It can just be something we fancy having. It’s almost always something my husband suggests, and I think, What a good idea.

Look what just arrived at the door from a florist...

He ordered them a hour ago while I was sulking doing the washing upstairs,

My question is what now? I still feel disappointed as he's only done it because he knows I am upset, he hasn't just done it off his own back,

Should I just get over it now?

I cried about the not getting me anything keepsake off my son

You got a card from your son, right? Why can't that be a keepsake?

@Gemxo I've had a similar issue with my OH, he always ignores Valentine's Day.

So.. This year I ignored valentines, as he has for the last 4 years.

Poor guy was devastated that I hadn't done anything for him! And that him ignoring it had turned me into being as unromantic as him! I wonder whether he'll think of doing something next year?!

Why were you sulking and why were you doing the washing on your birthday? How old are you OP? Have you not spoken to him yet? If you are happy with the flowers just tell him he needs to do this every time and for the love of God speak to your man! Stop being a victim and man up.

Sorry OP. Happy Birthday you will get lots of posters who think you are a terrible person for wanting anything more than a used sock for your birthday... also people who pretend to not know that birthday presents for partners is a thing (yes, really) though!

If you are happy with the flowers just tell him he needs to do this every time and for the love of God speak to your man! Stop being a victim and man up.

Yes, it means so much more when you've demanded it. It's clearly the Op's fault the man refuses to do follow social conventions around birthdays.

I still feel disappointed as he's only done it because he knows I am upset, he hasn't just done it off his own back,
Oh FFS! He's taken on board your feelings and you're still not satisfied! I do wonder why most people on MN actually bother with relationships unless it is purely to have something to complain about.