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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Boyfriend never got me a birthday present...

93 replies

Gemxo · 10/08/2018 12:13

Hi,

Been with him for 3 years, 1 DS together who is 6 months old,

First birthday as a mum, woke up to 2 cards, one of him & a mummy one from my son, no presents, no flowers, no nothing.

I was shocked as every year I go above and beyond for him (weekends away, birthday party's, watches, clothes etc...)

I am not the type of girl who wants to be lavished with expensive gifts, what I was most upset about is he never even got me something little of our son I could keep as a memory of my first present off him, nothing.

When I asked him after card giving if there was any presents he acted asif it was normal he hasn't got me anything, his answer after me starting to cry was 'I was gonna take you the shops so you could pick something & we're going out for tea aren't we'

AIBU to be upset and hurt by this?
I just don't feel special at all, no thought or anything has been put into me for my day, but when it is his birthday I spend weeks/months saving and planning what to do for him.

no suprises planned, trust me. He has nothing planned.

OP posts:
IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 13:56

For me, buying presents for my DH is impossible. He has two hobbies, but I haven’t a clue how to buy anything related to them that he would appreciate.

How hard would it be to look for people who have similar hobbies and ask for ideas?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 13:57

OP there really is nothing wrong with having higher standards than accepting literally anything.

Nikephorus · 10/08/2018 13:57

It's clearly the Op's fault the man refuses to do follow social conventions around birthdays.
Actually it's not a social convention to receive cards, presents, flowers, chocolates, spa days and expressions of undying love and gratitude for adult birthdays. Most adults in the every day world save OTT for children and expect nothing more than a card. It's only on MN that the drama happens.

Cornishclio · 10/08/2018 13:58

I understand you are disappointed and Happy Birthday and glad you eventually got some flowers. Maybe the fact you were so upset today will make your DP think twice next year before essentially ignoring your birthday. I would say in our case my DH is more romantic than me and never forgets my birthday or anniversary. I remember everyone elses though whereas he ignores them and I always get him an anniversary card but he always gets me flowers and a card after 36 years of marriage. By mutual agreement though we do not bother with Valentines day as that is 3 days after my birthday and I usually get flowers then too plus presents.

I can honestly say though I never considered any present from my children special that they did not make or buy themselves. This year I think my DGD1 helped choose my DDs birthday present last week for the first time and she is almost 3 years old. Don't take it too much to heart. You obviously put more thought into birthdays than your DP but does not mean he does not care. Maybe tone down your efforts and expectations in future.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 14:01

Actually it's not a social convention to receive cards, presents, flowers, chocolates, spa days and expressions of undying love and gratitude for adult birthdays

^^ You see OP Grin She's never heard of adults buying their partner a birthday gift.

Honestly, I don't know anyone who doesn't buy their partner birthday presents in the real world unless money is an issue and they prioritise kids.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 14:02

has anyone claimed birthday presents are a tacky American import for full MN bingo?

Immigrantsong · 10/08/2018 14:02

@Idonteatfriedturtle i am with you 100 percent. Not sure you have read my other replies to the OP. She needs to speak to her husband and explain how she feels and her expectations. Not sure she actually wants anything resolved or just an online winge. I can't understand why she thinks sulking and doing the washing on her birthday is a good idea. OP make him do all chores including washing and man up.

Tinty · 10/08/2018 14:02

Ah but @Gemxo , he is trying, he realises that he upset you and he is trying to fix that. It could be worse he could have just stomped off and caused an argument because you made him feel bad that he didn't get you anything (totally his own fault, but some men do do this).

I would take him up on his offer of taking you out and buying you a nice treat and also put him on all washing, cleaning and baby duty for the rest of the day Smile.

Let him make it up to you, have a nice meal tonight. Enjoy being a happy family with a lovely baby, and next year tell him exactly what you would like.

Maybe go and get some nice photos, and put them in a nice picture frame, of you and baby today as a keepsake of your first birthday as a mum. And also some nice photos of your all as a family.

Have a lovely birthday. Flowers

TacoLover · 10/08/2018 14:03

He's taking you out to tea, gotten you flowers and a card, and you're crying about it. Grow up ffs

Tinty · 10/08/2018 14:03

you not your Grin

CocoaGin70 · 10/08/2018 14:05

My DH is a lovely lovely man and I love him dearly. But he's utterly crap at birthdays. Over the years I've some truly truly awful thoughtless gifts, days out that have been spoiled by a complete lack of preparation and last year was the worst ever. I spent the evening in bed with a feigned headache, it was THAT bad. Before I sound like a spoiled brat, I'd rather have a gift bought that cost £5 that had some thought with it rather than spending £150 on something I would never chose myself and he's bought in desperation the morning of my birthday.

So this year I've taken matters in my own hands. I've booked a table in a lovely local restaurant for us all in the evening, and am spending the day with the dog going to the beach or into the hills with a picnic and a book. I've told him not to buy me anything as there is nothing I need.

Don't rely on others to make you happy is the hard lesson I've learned over the years.

ShumpaLumpa · 10/08/2018 14:07

OP, I would do nothing for his next birthday. Let him see how it feels.

montenuit · 10/08/2018 14:07

You're either "into" birthdays and presents or you're not that bothered. Luckily me & dh are both the latter. My dsis is always shocked at my lack of gifts but tbh i'd rather dh didn't waste money on getting me something for the sake of it.
A "happy birthday" card, cup of tea in bed etc... is more than enough for me but i can see that you are different. You need to TALK to him about why it is important to you (have a good think about why it is) and don't just sulk.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/08/2018 14:09

Look up "The 5 Love Languages" - it might be good to identify what makes each of you feel loved - and then share that with your partner. If you have different languages you might each be showing love in the way YOU want to receive it - whereas if you identify THEIR way, each person gets their needs met.... probably makes no sense at all, but worth a Google!

Original poster
Gemxo · 10/08/2018 14:09

Thanks for all the advice.

For people saying I need to man up and speak to DP, I have done that, I am not acting like a victim.

I've told him with regards to the flowers, I appreciate it and this was something he could of done before all this and there would of been no upset, it shouldn't take me feeling undervalued for him to finally buy me something, I think he understands.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 10/08/2018 14:14

Hallelujah OP. But you really need to have a deeper conversation and understanding of each other's expectations. If that is all you said, it won't have resonated with him. Be clear and open with him.

ShumpaLumpa · 10/08/2018 14:14

OP, he will understand a whole lot better when he wakes up to a birthday with no card and no present from you. Trust me.

He won't forget it in a hurry.

namechangedbcos · 10/08/2018 14:15

The Five Languages - practically saved my marriage. Loved that book.

cakecakecheese · 10/08/2018 14:17

Hopefully he's got the message now but in future it might be an idea to ask for something specific as a present. I know you'd like a bit more romance but if he's not built that way you can't change him, as long as he's generally a good partner, if this is an example of general thoughtless behaviour then do think about whether you should stay with someone who doesn't make you feel valued.

namechangedbcos · 10/08/2018 14:17

I've told him with regards to the flowers, I appreciate it and this was something he could of done before all this and there would of been no upset, it shouldn't take me feeling undervalued for him to finally buy me something, I think he understands.

Sorry, I think you should have waited until a few days before telling your husband this. People - both men and women - never to like to be told "Now why could you not have done that by yourself and saved me all the hassle" after making an effort. Communication 101.

Cismyass · 10/08/2018 14:18

Oh OP Flowers. My D(EX)H used to spoil me rotten on Birthdays. Boy did i come down to earth with a bump with DDs DF when i received big fat zero. Turns out he neither loved me nor gave two hoots how i felt as a result of his behaviour. (I was in a very bad place and very ill when i met him). I'm afraid your DP quite simply does not care enough to make an effort (I must admit this was a kick up the backside in me leaving him and reinstating my high expectations and standards).

lostlemon · 10/08/2018 14:21

OP, there have been lots of threads like this. You've go a couple of options:

  1. Explain to him that birthdays are important to you and that you expect him to make an effort. Bear in mind that he still may not and you will end up thinking that he's only doing it because you expect it and not because he wants to. It may be that birthdays are not important to him.
  1. Just tell him that birthdays are important to you and that it is obvious given his attitutude to your birthday over the past years that they aren't important to him. From now on get him a birthday card and make a nice dinner/suggest you go out but put minimum effort in. Save your effort for your own birthday - treat yourself, book yourself a spa, go out with friends on your birthday.

It does seem that he isn't bothered so that also extends to his birthday doesn't it. Does he bother with his families birthdays - his mum etc?

WoodforTrees · 10/08/2018 14:21

As usual on MN, people piling on to tell you that you are acting like a child, being spoilt, entitled and to grow up. People insisting they usually get a used tissue and a luke warm cup of tea, blah blah blah.

Adults DO buy each other birthday presents.
It's not 'greedy' or 'needy' or 'entitled' to hope for a present from your OH/DH and to expect a small token from your baby (organised by aforementioned partner)
It's not childish to be disappointed that your efforts are not reciprocated
And it's reasonable to feel let down.

I have been with DH for 24 years and I've had some crappy presents and some really thoughtful ones, but always something from him and the DC. I am not greedy and i probably put far more thought and effort into his gifts but I accept that this gives me a certain amount of pleasure and I have probably got a better memory and more imagination. So his effort is more than enough for me.

OP, the fact that he organised the flowers shows that he understood your feelings enough to have made an effort to fix this. Enjoy the rest of your day and your lovely new baby.

namechangedbcos · 10/08/2018 14:23

My husband is this way too. You know what I did?

  1. Stopped making elaborate gift and celebration plans for his birthday and thus stopped feeling terrible when my efforts were reciprocated. He barely noticed. He's happy with the card and a special dinner I make him on his birthday.
  1. Specifically tell him each year what I need for my birthday, including links and store addresses. I get what I want, he is spared of my disappointment and tears. He is happy and I am happy.

I used to be just like you, expecting my partner to be the way I wanted him to be, but after reading THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES my approach changed and things got infinitely better. I highly recommend you read it.

Life is too short, buddy, to spend it on should have could have would have's. It is YOUR hands to make this work for you.

namechangedbcos · 10/08/2018 14:24

*when my efforts were NOT reciprocated

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