My Boyfriend never got me a birthday present...

[Gemxo]

Hi,

Been with him for 3 years, 1 DS together who is 6 months old,

First birthday as a mum, woke up to 2 cards, one of him & a mummy one from my son, no presents, no flowers, no nothing.

I was shocked as every year I go above and beyond for him (weekends away, birthday party's, watches, clothes etc...)

I am not the type of girl who wants to be lavished with expensive gifts, what I was most upset about is he never even got me something little of our son I could keep as a memory of my first present off him, nothing.

When I asked him after card giving if there was any presents he acted asif it was normal he hasn't got me anything, his answer after me starting to cry was 'I was gonna take you the shops so you could pick something & we're going out for tea aren't we'

AIBU to be upset and hurt by this?
I just don't feel special at all, no thought or anything has been put into me for my day, but when it is his birthday I spend weeks/months saving and planning what to do for him.

no suprises planned, trust me. He has nothing planned.

I still feel disappointed as he's only done it because he knows I am upset, he hasn't just done it off his own back

Well to be fair that's what you want him to do anyway, buy you shit as he knows you'll be upset if he doesn't.

I really don't get thr whole spending months saving and planning for his birthday, it would make me deeply uncomfortable, and you got cards and are being taken out. He should have got you an opener clearly becayse , but I really don't understand all this upset, you're not 12. I do know you're not alone in feeling as you do though.

Some people just don't really care about birthday's OP and it sounds like your bf is one of them. Just stop buying and planning so much for his too. Otherwise you will just be filled with resentment and anger.

I can see why you are hurt. But if he is normally generous and kind then I don't think it's a measure of how much he cares about you. But you now know that he isn't into birthdays so no point in getting upset.

Not everyone believes in giving gifts on the behalf of children too young to do it themselves for birthdays or mother's day, But as an adult He should have planned something from him for you.

I wouldn't be going out of my way for his next birthday. You'll save yourself loads of time and money by just grabbing a card and taking him to tea instead.

@HollowTalk

"He's taking you for tea - which presumably he'll eat himself, too, so he'll benefit as much as you? That's not a present!"

I disagree, my husband planned for his family to watch our daughter and took me away for the weekend for my birthday. He enjoyed the same hotel, restaurants, and activities as I did. It was absolutely a present though!

Not everyone is good at presents OP. I have to admit I find gifts sent on behalf of babies (and pets) icky, perhaps he does too.

He’s tried to make it up to you. Be satisfied with that and enjoy the rest of your day.

Just reread and saw he loved his present from your DS so ignore my comment. But do enjoy your day!

OP, i guess in your shoes my reaction wouls be siferent deoending on how i waa feeling about my relationship. It i was in a great relationship with a loving and conaiderate partner, i'd just assume gift giving was not his thing. In this case i'd probably remins him a week before that my birhtday is coming and it was important for me that he gave a gift and made a fuss. Who cares if he only does it because i asked? If it's not something that comes naturally for him than being listened to and given a gift after talking to him would mean he was taking my feelings seriously and trying to make me happy. I has and ex-partner who was like this... if i had said to her that i'd be happy eith anything she would find it incredibly hard to buy me a gift. So i'd say something more specific when she asked.

Now, if i was of the opinion that my DP was generally selfish and just lazy, i'd be hurt and this would make me have a serious conversation about the fact he doesn't want to go to the trouble of doing something for me that he knows i feel is important. In this case i'd probably stop planning and buying gifts for him and being so focused on his needs.

Happy birthday, I bet he's got a surprise for you.

But it's still a present for himself too, if he's sharing what you're having and you have joint funds!

Sorry for the many mistakes. Hate typing on my phone.

Im not sure about 6 months but now dc pick the birthday pressies for dh and I and it is lovely/hilarious. Given that we don't spend masses on bday pressies its much better to have them involved in the choices to liven things up!

My DH does not really do presents because they were not part of his childhood (very poor so never had any). He sometimes buys me lovely things for my birthday but might just as easily forget! I've learnt not to mind either way because I know it doesn't mean anything. Try to do this too, perhaps by adjusting your expectations and doing less for him on his birthday if it is this difference which is bothering you

He's taking you for tea - which presumably he'll eat himself, too, so he'll benefit as much as you? That's not a present!"

This I really don't understand. Of course it's still a present, I'm shocked anyone would think it was lessened by the fact their partner also enjoyed it and it's only a gift if it's for them and them alone.

Whatever happened to the thought that counts. The statement above is the ultimate in grabby.

He's taking you for tea - which presumably he'll eat himself, too, so he'll benefit as much as you? That's not a present!

So if I take a friend out to lunch for her birthday, it's only a birthday treat if I drink a glass of tap water? Otherwise, I might as well not bother? Huh?

I'd also add that I've kept all the cards I've had from my daughter since she was a baby, they still make me smile, from the ones my husband wrote to the ones she did in her little kid scrawl.

I fail to see also why the card isn't a good enough keep sake, that it needs to be an actual present. To me it just sounds like a way to justify wanting stuff and dressing it up as something noble as opposed to grabby.

Oh gosh. My husband did similar on my first mother’s day as a mum. I was really upset. He had asked a few weeks before if I wanted to go out on mother’s day. But he didn’t book anything!!! He told me to go shopping and for a coffee while he cleaned the house. He gave me a fiver for coffee and cake (. We share a bank account anyway !!!

Special occasions just don’t mean much to my DH. He is actually generally great and likes to spoil me, just doesn’t always understand why I consider a particular day significant. I finally just laid it out for him. I don’t need an expensive present, but for mother’s Day and my birthday, it is important to me that you consider it important. You can show me that by remembering the date and buying me a card or small gift in advance. Having me watch our Dd on mother’s Day while you pop To the shop to buy a card and flowers is not showing me that you acknowledge it is important to me. By the same card the day before without specifically needing me to be the parent in charge for you to do it and I’m happy.

@HollowTalk

Our joint account is for bills, the mortgage, things for our daughter, gifts we buy for other family, and casual days/meals out.

It is most certainly not for buying presents for each other or date nights! We have our own personal accounts for those type of things.