Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

I don’t recognise your experience as an 80s/90s child. I definitively had car seats as a small child and I remember my booster seats. My parents tried to keep me away from smokers and hated it if they could smell it on me after I’d been out. Anyone born post smoking ban would be shocked by what used to be acceptable.

I don’t think it would have been as unusual not to have worked and I can believe childcare availability was harder. Not feeding you breakfast or giving you clean uniform wasn’t a 90s thing I’m afraid but crap parenting.

My mother used to work for a charity that used to help women like OP's mum. They were good enough parents who loved their children, but were a bit hopeless about it. They went to chat, learn new things, learn about budgeting, cooking, parenting and some of the other mothering skills they missed out on, in a supportive environment. It was done with little money and volunteers. Gradually it got more professional focussed and directed towards the parents and children who were the subject of legal proceedings and funded by social services. Towards the end of the conservative government in the 90s, the funding for this sort of thing was cut. Eventually Surestart came along, then that was cut.
There are charities like Homestart now who help people out in their own homes when the going is tough. It will always be needed.
I used to talk to an elderly gentleman whose father was killed by a horse drawn lorry before the 1920s. His mother could not cope on her own and he and his siblings were put in a home. He said it was lovely and clean and he had proper food. He must have been very hungry. When he was 15, he was given and apprenticeship and put in a lodging house and had to fend for himself. He did good. It was hard though and I think he went though a lot of bad things in the process. He had a strong philosophy of being kind to people and giving them a chance, and loving your family.

I think there was a big difference between early 90's and late 90's.

Even now my nearest town doesn't have a Primark or a Halfords, next nearest town doesn't have them either, the next nearest town has a Primark but no Halfords.

As a PP said, location is everything and not everyone lives in an area with a vast range of shops in easy reach.

And, as explained many times upthread, car seats weren't compulsory for over three's and there was no requirement to retrofit seatbelts to cars manufactured prior to 1991 so no car seats was not considered neglectful as it was not breaking the law.

I don't think the time period makes as huge a difference as people are making out. I think it tends to be what kind of people the parents are. In every generation the norm has been to feed your family well, but some people haven't managed it. (Due to poverty, lack of education, illness / disability, addiction - every generation has has all these).
Norms have changed around smoking and car seats, but by the 90s everyone knew about the dangers of passive smoke, some had cognitive dissonance but the facts were known.
It seems that your mum may have been struggling. If you judge her to be failing, I'm not sure what you hope to achieve?

No that wasn't normal in the 90's! More like the 70's tbh.

I was a 70's child and seatbelts became compulsory in the back in my early childhood so we had to wear them (unless it was an old car which didn't have them fitted). No such thing as booster seats for us and frequently had extra people squashing in the back or in the boot when going somewhere. Also my Dad always smoked in the house with us there.

I was a mum in the 90's and what you are describing is not at all the norm then. My daughter had car seats and then booster seats until big enough not to need them. My Dad was banished to smoking outside when he visited etc. Also, I worked full time and there was childcare around (actually cheaper than now) and before and after school clubs.

Women who were sole parents were not obliged to look for work until their youngest child reached 16 which is why many simply didn't bother as they had full housing benefit, income support etc and actually received more money than many people working on low incomes!

Our DC were born 88/89/91. We didn't have a car until 90 but travelled in cars occasionally. Used seatbelts around a carrycot or booster. When we bought our car be bought seats for the boys they were in them until 4 then on boosters until around 7 ish.. When DD was born she had a infant seat that clipped onto pushchair up until around 9 months then a car seat until 4 then booster seat.

They had clean clothes every day.

I insisted on breakfast every day.

Smoking - DH smoked but I eventually managed to persuade him to go outside.

I'm not the greatest cook but they ate well enough. DS1 became a chef!

I was a SAHM and DH worked on and off, we lived in isolated area and certainly nothing would pay well enough for childcare. It barely paid for DH after we took out cost of travelling to work. In fact the job centre did assessments on jobs to check we wouldn't be worse off! Most jobs didn't! We ended up getting a move into a town to improve our prospects.

I was born in late 80s, sister in the 90s. My parents are both good people. They still both smoked in the car with the windows up when we were very little. They were told it was bad and stopped eventually!

Doesn’t sound good OP! Car seats - I was born at the end of ‘89 and was always in a car seat in the car.

I think much of what you experienced was neglectful parenting and although I question some of your mums assertions I am sure things varied according to background and where you lived.

We had our DDs in 1986 and 1987. I returned to part time work in 1989 and used a childminder in Cornwall. We also lived in London prior to 1988 and childcare was expensive there and employers were not so understanding re flexible hours as they seem to be these days. At my grade in my job in London when I went off on maternity leave my choice was either to come back full time (8am to 6pm most days) or not to come back. In three years we had moved to the other side of the country and I had got a 25 hour a week job using a local childminder which was cheaper for 2 children with a small age gap and no tax credits then. I started overpaying my pension when my DDS started school and went back to full time work when they were older. So her claim that there was no childcare and her lack of pension was your fault is clearly rubbish although I had qualifications and a reasonably well paid job so that may not have been the case for her. More likely she spent a small fortune on smoking which was always expensive and by then we knew the dangers of 2nd hand smoke so she was neglectful there plus the leaving of 2 children in the garden or shed.

My DDs used car seats then booster seats and were always kept clean, had breakfast and clean clothes for school. If she was a single parent though it could not have been easy so perhaps that might have been the issue plus she could have been suffering from depression. Does not sound like mother of the year though.

Oh come on folks.
No breakfast and no clean clothes=neglect.
The other stuff about car seats and smoking around kids is more of a grey area depending on the times but the above is not excusable.
Sorry you had a shit time OP. Not your fault. No child deserves that.

Why couldn't OP get own breakfast, was there nothing in the house?
I am pretty sure mine got own breakfast from age 4-5yo. Toast is cheap, easy.
We did wake them up in time to get their breakfast tbf, but some woke selves up from 8yo anyway.

It doesn't sound like OP minded not having breakfast; I often chose to skip it in my teen yrs.

Childcare in the 90’s for us was going to stay with your neighbours family for days upon days. They were abusive arseholes but mum needed the job.

Why couldn't OP get own breakfast, was there nothing in the house?
I am pretty sure mine got own breakfast from age 4-5yo. Toast is cheap, easy.

You say that but I set fire to the grill aged 9 looking after my little brother whilst home alone. We had no idea what to do so just threw water on the oven till it was out and never spoke of it to anyone

4-5 is too young to turn on a grill.

No responsible adult expects a child of 4-5 to make toast unsupervised.

Tbh honest op before Toney Blair brought in tax credits you had to pay the full price of your child out of your wage so before the 90s most women stayed at home because of this

Never haveing breakfast is always poor parenting but in 2018 the lefties say it’s due to the evil Tory’s

I had my son at 17 was on Invome support and my son never missed a meal a loaf of Tesco value bread is about 30p and bitter is about £1 you could have had two slices every day

bellinisurge

No responsible adult expects a child of 4-5 to make toast unsupervised.

i was told on another thread someone’s five year old gets the bus to school on their own

In the early nineties passive smoking was a big thing in the news because of TV entertainer Roy Castle who , before he died from lung cancer, campaigned against smoking indoors and around others, as he believed his cancer was caused by passive smoking. So everyone was aware by the nineties that smoking around others was bad for their health as well as the smokers health, so I don't think your mum had any excuse

I was born in 1980 so a bit older but this has a lot in common with my own childhood. I recognise my childhood as neglectful, when compared to experiences of others my age. My parents never washed my clothes. I had one uniform that I would wear for months at a time, no exaggeration. I stank. Just like you they would leave me in the garden for hours to wait for them. The constant smoking and car seat things were the same as well.

So, yes there are many others with similar childhoods. But no it wasn’t normal.

Grill too hazardous, I agree, but Toasters existed in 1990s, didn't they? OP says they had a tumble dryer so not that incredibly skint. And that even now she doesn't tend to eat breakfast.

OP: do you think your mum was depressed? It's not clear if she was generally interested in you.

Could have been better OP, but I can guarantee you no matter how good you believe your parenting is your dc in the future will think the same.

Nothing in your post screams out to me other than the dirty clothes. My dc don't have breakfast before school as they don't like to eat so early.
Maybe your DM had MH issues?

We have it much easier now than previous generations when it comes to funded childcare, in saying that though there are still many families who claim they cannot work due to lack of childcare (without even looking into it) so I do wonder if they were brought up being told that and the cycle just continued.

Some of this rings true for me. I was born mid 80’s. My mum didn’t work (that was by choice and the necessity to do so wasn’t there), hardly any of the mums that I knew worked back then unless they were teachers or nurses. But she didn’t get up with us in the morning (dad did, he brought us to school). No breakfast but we did have healthy packed lunches (even by today’s exacting standards) and healthy home made dinners every evening that we ate together as a family, we always waited til dad was home from work. We had car seats while we were babies but not after. Her car that she had until 1999 didn’t have seat belts in the back. Both my parents smoked heavily around us.

My mum isn’t the most maternal type, my dad did most of the looking after on that front and was excellent at it. My mum has since been diagnosed with a personality disorder and had a very tough upbringing so I think she did a reasonable job considering she didn’t have much of an example to follow. I didn’t feel neglected. We weren’t bought much ‘stuff’ but we went on holidays, some very basic, we had an endless supply of books and did pretty much every activity/sport going. I know it’s not that long ago but I think things have changed a lot since the 80’s/90’s, in some ways good, other ways not so good.

Toasters and any appliance actually, were massively expensive in the 90’s. You’ve only got to watch Bruce’s Price is Right on Challenge to see a microwave oven going for £400 or a £500 video recorder being demonstrated by Emma Noble (wow, remember her!)

OP said they had a tumble dryer.