Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

I grew up in the 90s. We had car seats, a clean home and clean clothes. My father had good jobs although had his struggles with alcohol. My mother worked part time and we went to a child minder one afternoon a week. There were several child minders in our small villages

It sounds like your parents had a tough time coping and you had a difficult childhood.

But I would definitely say that my experience of the 90s was none of the things you described.

Depending on which part of the 90s you’re talking about there was no national minimum wage and no working tax credits etc so it would genuinely have been very hard for her to find a job that paid well enough and was flexible enough to raise children. The smoking and dirty uniforms are not great, I’m sad that you experienced this as a young child, you deserved better.. But I it sounds like your mum was having a tough time, I would reserve your ire for your father, the state and perhaps friends and family who should have been there to support her.

Car seats and smoking were definitely part of a cultural change in thinking from the 80s - for example planes started being non smoking in the 80s but were not all smoke free til the end of the 90s. Smoking in restaurants was 2005 so that bit is fine

The rest (clothes/childcare/breakfast) sounds like she had v little money

You ‘DM’ sounds like my SIL house filthy, she did not work, smoking and probably drug use as well, children Unwashed and smelling of smoke and general dirt clothes also unwashed. Always after my poor dad for money. Nothing to do with any period of time

Seatbelts: to some extent yes

Smoking: yes there wasn't the mass rejection of smoking there is now, anti-smoking types were in the minority and passive smoking was seen as not being scientifically linked to illness at all so only amti-smoking people were concerned about it. Smoking while pregnant was, smoking around people not.

Work: absolutely yes, for an average single mum with access to low income work you probably lost money and would have to work either a paltry few hours to avoid a tiny threshold or all the hours -
double shifts, nights etc to make a small handful more than benefits. People did, but for the ones that wanted to break even with more than 15 hours (might not be the exact number) on low earning jobs it was bloody hard and meant leaving DCs in expensive child care a lot of the time.

The majority of people used car seats for children in the 90's.

I was born in 75 and my parents divorced when I was early teens and so there wasn't much money as my father left us with a lot of debt from drinking. But we went to nursery and childminders (so, late 80s, early 90s), because my mum was a teacher and had to work and we always had clean clothes and a good breakfast. Seatbelts I don't remember the ins and outs. But your upbringing was neglectful, certainly in terms of the clothes and breakfast.

My mum was a crap mum in other ways (haven't spoken to her in 4 years) but we were always clean, clothed and well fed.

Definitely not normal. My mum had me at 16 in the 70s, single mum for 10 years, and would never have done any of that.

In my 70s childhood, we sat in the boot with the dog and pretend shot Nazis through the back window of the car. Not a lot of money. At all. Always had breakfast. Always clean.
In the 90s everyone knew better about kids in cars. Everyone still gave their kids breakfast and kept them clean.
Op, I'm sorry that you experienced such neglect.

I think if you were describing the 70s 80s then a lot of that would be "normal", but not universal. My mum would not have done those things for example.

By the 90s, no. That's neglect.

My friends who had kids in the 90s had car seats. Knew not to smoke around babies and generally didn't leave their kids in the garden or leave them to get themselves out and to school.

Born late 78. My mother still insists it was "normal then" (90s) to smack me (hard) round the head for being mildly sarcastic about the quality of my secondary school, so probably not a good indicator!
We had breakfast every day. I did own washing from secondary age so had clean uniform. Our primary school didn't have uniform then so not sure about that. Sometimes had inappropriate clothes given by family fiends/charity shops. No car seats one that age, but in 80s yes it was normal to sit in boot etc.
Not working for single parents was a choice then- benefits available until youngest was 18! There wasn't childcare rurally, we went to grandparents or library after school when no one available to collect. I sometimes went home and climbed in through back window. This was slightly unusual. I think it was a lot less usual to have lone parent then though? Remember teachers etc being very sympathetic about it whereas now it would be pretty normal I think?
Overall it sounds crap for you and I don't think it matters if it was normal- if you're distressed by it then it wasn't right for you! I don't think you need to speculate about the work/courses, but the neglectful behaviour has obviously had an impact and that's not fair on you. I have been to counselling for this kind of thing and it can help a lot, maybe worth a try?

Oh also the medical issues: I recently (age 39) had op for kidney abnormality that surgeons said probably from birth. I had a lot of UTIs as a child and had kidney scans etc. My mother says my father told her one had picked up something but she didn't get details as it was during the time they were going through (messy, violent) divorce. I am pretty resentful about this as it would have been a lot better to sort it when I was a child, but just tell myself what's past is past. It's also the NHS back then not keeping good records or passing on info well enough, so whilst partly parents fault, there were other agencies who could have done something but didn't.

DS had a series of baby seats, toddler seats, child seat belts, all bought from Halfords, to me that is "widely available"!

Nowadays it would be classed as widely available but in the 90s not every town had a Halfords and internet shopping wasn't a thing yet so you couldn't pop on their website and order what you needed.

The majority of people used car seats for children in the 90's.

Not where I lived they didn't. People used carseats for under 3's, which was the law, as I remember my brother had a grey one that was really bulky and bolted to the underside of the back seat. It wasn't very padded, was forward facing, and didn't recline. Once they outgrew the carseat then that was it, they used a seatbelt. No one I knew had carseats for older children or booster seats, it was only towards the very end of 90s/very early 2000s that they became more widespread here. I went with my cousin in late 2000 to buy her pram and the sales assistant said every pram package includes a carseat now and it was a baby carseat much like we have now.

Aibu to be really concerned that ex's GF fed children raw elderberries in a smoothie. Her child was sick (as was she)... mine has had tummy ache for 2 days. It was a mistake of course... but still.

I was born 87. Photos show my brother having a car seat and me till about 3 then never seen again, sounds normal. We always had breakfast and clean clothes though. My mum did smoke around us till about 7/8 and then her and my dad split so never see her much but still, I remember that clearly.

Sorry for my elderberry post. Wrong place! I'm sorry to hear you were, in my opinion, neglected.
It doesn't mean she could've done better though. Perhaps that's all she could manage - but it was still her responsibility to protect you. Get a counsellor that does 'inner child' work that can help you grieve for what you should've had - and help you learn to nurture that little girl, that's still in there wondering why 'she' / you didnt get enough. Much love... Xxx

I was widowed in 1991, with two babies, so was a single parent right though the 90’s and beyond.
The state benefit, meant to support me and two children, was just £330 a month, so I went back to full time work. I employed a childminder and then a nanny until the elder child was 9, then they went to out of school club for the holidays, and were home alone (indoors) after school for a couple of hours until I got in.
Childcare was available in all forms and prices. Working mothers were the norm in my area.
We had infant car seats, then booster seats, and always wore seat belts, front and back.
My kids had all their meals home cooked from scratch, and I always gave them breakfast before school.
They were bathed daily and had clean clothes daily. I hand knitted their jumpers but bought their other clothes from supermarkets or reasonably priced chain stores. I never smoked.
Unless your DM was depressed, OP, her parenting was inexcusably neglectful. Most mums put their kids first. I only had one weekend break from my kids in 18 years, and their health and happiness was my greatest priority.

It does sound like she was depressed to me and that she was doing things like smoking when she had no money for important things, thus making it all worse. There is learned helplessness too, where people end up in a rut. If you work, it does open new experiences up to you and new possibilities, even if you are not a lot better off in the short term.

So much of this has to do with class and geography. If you had baths every day and clean uniform every day and a proper childminder and a car seat AND non-smoking parents then you weren't working class (before about 1985 anyway), plus you probably lived in an area of high employment and good provision. That wasn't the case for everyone though.

We were not short of money OP and I was born 1966 so I'm older than you but.

School uniform - I only had one set, it wasn't always washed at the weekend.

Normal to not have breakfast at school.

Car seats / seat belts, well my dad drove to Spain with me in the boot!

I remember my mum being appalled that my younger cousins (16 - 20 years younger) were in baby carriers and booster seats as the were 'a waste of money'.

Not all cars had seat belts in the back, particularly if you had an older car. I remember princess Anne being criticised for getting into the front of a car when leaving hospital with one of her babies. No seat in sight.

Both my parents smoked like chimneys in my childhood as did my aunt and grandmother.

foreverbubblegum health professionals even to this day rely on parents to advocate and push (some, not all clearly). My mum noticed my pretty significant physical condition at 6 months, no midwife or doctor did prior to that, it's a genetic from birth one. We've nephews who've had a terrible runaround from CAMHS because their mum struggles to cope on her own at times and have had much less support than they'd have gotten with a well spoken pushy parent advocate - one nephew who's an older teen now has been diagnosed with something he's had since birth that nobody picked up on.

I'm not excusing your mum, reasons are not excuses, it's obvious she was depressed and struggled to parent adequately - mums never have the option of giving up like dads did - I've several single parent family members and they've done their absolute best and at times it hasn't been good enough and i feel sad for their dc in some ways, but in both cases the dads have a relationship with their DC despite never paying because my family felt they had to do the right thing even though these men didn't pay a penny for their kids and left the mum with a grueling life.

some people just can't give up smoking, regardless of the cost to themselves and others. Addictive behaviour runs in my family and several of them have had absolutely no luck giving up despite sincerely wanting to and at their ages now facing a bleak old age with COPD etc worsening. Smoking is something people are so cross about these days, but it's incredibly hard to give up a coping mechanism you've had since you were 11 or 12 in some cases.

YouCantStopTheSignal

Primark has 174 stores, I'd say that made it widely available.
In 1968 Halfords opened its 300th store, to me that makes it widely available.