to think that being a bridesmaid to a high maintenance bride is actually really shit?

[WhatToDoToday6]

Just that really... I've never wasted so much time, money and energy in my life!

Definitely. I think some folk watch too many wedding movies and get unrealistic expectations.

There's always someone worse off than yourself. In this case, it's the bridegroom.

Literally, I've had to buy my dress, my shoes, my hotel, my transport half way across the country, a gift, then got to pay to have my hair done, breakfast the next day, it's cost me upwards of £4/500 and I didn't even realise it until tonight! Nightmare I swear and what for?

But you-d be doing that as a guest too (mostly)

Skiiltan

What for OP?! For the privilege of witnessing true love, being part of the wedding of the fucking century, for the glory and posterity of having been chosen...

Massive bloody ball ache. I feel for you.

As a guest she’d be able to pick her own dress or drag something out of her wardrobe ReservoirDogs

But you-d be doing that as a guest too (mostly)

I absolutely wouldn't be paying for my hair to be done, buying a new dress or new shoes, or paying for an extra night in the hotel (which is in London, ouch!) to help the bride 'get ready' etc etc. If I did buy a new dress or shoes at least it'd be one I would bloody wear again not this hideous yellow frock she's having me wear!

I'm dreading the whole bloody thing.

Sounds like the bride has to start putting her hand in her pocket.
I’d tell her (as gently or firmly as you like) that you’ve reached the end of your funds for this particular event, and you won’t be able to contribute any more.
Wouldn’t be getting her a gift either, in fact she should be giving you one.

@DeadGood I am my father's daughter and I am far too good at giving. I really have only just realised how much it is costing and with a baby due in November I am kicking myself and thinking about the beautiful shit I could've bought myself.

I AM A MUG!

ReseevoirDogs not at all, as a guest you can recycle outfits and shoes, do your own hair, stay in a cheap B&B rather than the hotel of the bride (which is ALWAYS expensive) etc.

OP YANBU why are you friends with a person who treats you like this?!

I have a friend who got 'demoted' from maid of honour to regular bridesmaid because, when her DD was 6 weeks old she said no to going bridesmaid dress shopping 2 hours away. Aside from just having recovered from a EMCS and infected wound, she was breastfeeding, had an oversupply (so lots of leaks) and still a heavy bleeding from the birth and was nervous about staining and leaking onto any dresses. Plus her DD didn't take bottles and wasnt a good napper so she didn't fancy traipsing her round this wedding shop.

This was 18 months BEFORE the wedding!

You'd think she'd murdered someone for the reaction her refusal got. The 40 year old groom was even texting her telling her what a crap friend she was to the bride imagine being so self absorbed you think everything revolves round your overpriced party, even someone's newborn baby and their own health!

IIRC that particular bride also had monthly meetings with her bridesmaids for the 18 months running up to the day!

And I don't think bridesmaids get the bride a gift - however you should be getting a bit of jewellery or something

Dear god, that's crazy. How has it got to this? Why does this make some women certifiable?

“I am my father's daughter and I am far too good at giving.”

I mean this kindly. This sort of “oh well, nothing I can do!” attitude isn’t helpful. I suspect that deep down you’re quite pleased with your generosity, and it is a wonderful trait. But don’t allow it to sour things for you. Learn how to apply the brakes.

And return that gift!!

I had to organise a hen party for 25. Weekend away. No one else helped - the only other BM was a teenage SIL2B. It was a fucking nightmare - no one would commit to anything, even their own ideas and it cost a fortune as loads of them didn't pay for everything. And I had a shit time at the bloody weekend too, and it set the stage for a crappy wedding too.

This happened to me. I was a bridesmaid and my eldest son (then 4) was a
pointless pageboy. It cost me well over £500 and I was bitter because she just kept saying “we are having this now, it’s £xx”. Never ever ever again.

I was sacked from bridesmaids duties for not wanting to spend over £100 on a dress and questioning why I had to pay for it before I got to see it. Needless to say I didn't go to the wedding and we are no longer friends.

Send her an invoice for your time

Bridesmaids should not have to buy their dress unless they get to choose it

I have my wedding planned (genuinely, not just in my head). I have one bridesmaid who is flying over from America and I've told her to wear what she likes, couldn't care less what colour it is. She could shave her head for all I care! Me and DP are getting married under a windmill in a rural town in a gazebo and we have hired the whole windmill which has over 30 beds in it for the wedding party to stay in. It has cost most people next to nothing! My bridesmaid is being gifted a locket with a photo of us inside at her wedding and one blank for a photo of us at mine. It sounds like I've done a lot but it really hasn't cost that much. It's a budget wedding and we are going to make it look beautiful ourselves with hundreds of tea lights and fairy lights.

The wedding I am bridesmaid for is a bloody circus and all about having the biggest, best wedding possible. No doubt she will be upset that she's not my bridesmaid!

OP your wedding sounds absolutely beautiful. Congratulations!

I didn't know you can hire windmills!

We skipped the drama, went to Vegas and dragged two people off the street to be our witnesses. I get why people want the big white affair but I honestly think those lavish weddings bring out the worst in people and often end in divorce

Have a baby shower with very expensive things on the giftlist. Only give the giftlist to her.

Pick your nose and gurn on the photos.

Thanks @GunpowderGelatine - it's very low key. My mum is making the cake, gran making the food. Not a huge wedding! It's a converted windmill and is absolutely amazing! It's small inside and all bunk beds, and smells a bit musty, but I couldn't care less as long as my loved ones are there

This is outrageous! I can't believe you've paid for all that yourself. I bought my bridesmaids their dresses (inc alterations), shoes, hair and make up, transport to/from venue and gave them lots of gifts before and after as a "thank you". And this INCLUDES the bridesmaid who couldn't make it last-minute. Yes, they had to pay for accommodation but I'd negotiated a discount price for the rooms in the hotel so hopefully it wasn't too expensive. In return, I got amazing photos with them and they gave me a fabulous hen day!

Sheesh, where do these brides get the idea that they don't owe the bridesmaids anything?!

I'm finding it hard to win as a bride.
If I say wear what you like and not pay for the dresses I'm tight and rude.
If I buy the dresses and chose them I am controlling and a bridezilla.
If I give them money and let them chose their own it doesn't get done ( 7 mmonths in and they are still deciding).

We haven't started on hair and makeup. My bridesmaids are way more high maintenance then me. Just do your normal hair. Nope not acceptable apparently.

I totally see why people elope.

You have to take some responsibility for this though. If you aren’t happy with spending the money why on earth don’t you say something and STOP spending. Sure it can be a bit awkward but it’s still better than being a mug. I know it’s a funny way of looking at it but I actually think it’s unfair to get pissed off with the bride without letting her know. Do you think she is currently unaware how you are feeling?