to think that being a bridesmaid to a high maintenance bride is actually really shit?

[WhatToDoToday6]

Just that really... I've never wasted so much time, money and energy in my life!

They'll all be divorced within 5 years

I was a bridesmaid not long ago, BTB bought the dress and paid for hair and makeup. I paid for everything else, which doesn’t sound like a lot at first but actually was shoes, bag, new underwear, a ridiculous bra because the dress was such that you couldn’t just wear a normal one, so nice search for a 38F strapless and backless bra -£38 I’ll never see again! We paid for our own dresses to be steamed, another £16 etc. It all adds up. I wouldn’t do it again, no way

I hear you. I was once bridesmaid for a total bridezilla. Her wedding cost me the best part of £1k. It's only when I totted it up did I realise how unreasonable she (and her mad mother) had been.

Needless to say the scales fell from my eyes and we're no longer close.

It was a good lesson for me. When a friendship becomes harder work than you want to put in, it's time to move on.

Take the lesson

Bride should be paying for your dress and hair etc. If you ask someone to be your bridesmaid why would you think they should pick up the tab? You need to say to her that you can’t afford to pay out any more because she is being very selfish.

The details you posted about your own wedding seem “outing” and irrelevant to your (understandable) grievances with your friend. Also seem “virtue signalling” about your lower cost plans and unkind about her “circus”.

The costs of accepting the invitation to be a bridesmaid were easily foreseeable, or if you initially assumed bride/groom would pay for things and it became apparent that they expected you to stump up you could easily have said no.

Some costs could probably be avoided even now, eg you could cancel the extra night at the hotel the night before the wedding, and your hair and make up appointments. Buy super cheap shoes.

“I am a giver” - don’t be a martyr, especially if you’re then resentful and bitching online or to people in RL. Either have boundaries (it doesn’t somehow make you a worse person) or accept the costs of being passive.

@Loopytiles Okay

SheWoreBlueVelvet

I'm finding similar.

I gave my bridesmaids a budget for the dress (two offered to pay and declined). They are wearing non matching dresses, and though they do have to pay for their shoes, they can wear whatever works for them and they can reuse. I'm paying for their hair to be done, and for their hotel. (In fact the venue IS cheap, and we're providing a free bar and food all weekend)

One bridesmaid still spent 9 months selecting her dress, because she turned her nose up at most of the bloody options I suggested. I'm doing all that and more, and she probably thinks I'm a bit zilla, because I have been rejecting her totally non suitable options for dresses (think orange instead of all green!).

You need to tell me where this windmill is op! Please PM me if you don't mind, of course. Fil recently passed away and mil would love a short break with all the family. We're a big family and we wanted somewhere fun and unique to take her. This sounds perfect.

😂. I would also like to know where the windmill is

I thought Brides had to pay for dress, make up & hair? We did - BM had to pick shoes (black - any style they wanted) and I got them all necklaces from Tiffany as gifts. Weddings these days do seem to be all about getting everything Pinterest perfect and to hell with anyone attending

I'd politely decline any request for me to be a Bridesmaid. Who needs that kind of hassle?

@tedx before I DM you, it's about £1200 for 7 nights. We've booked it out for a bit longer and our guests are welcome to stay for as long as they wish! However can't say how much it would cost for a shorter break. It's great. Has 19 beds and we are putting tents out and blow up mattresses for any extras. Very basic and not luxury but we have stayed there before and it's amazing fun! Beautiful part of the world. Still interested?

Also need to work out how to DM

Those BMs that paid for their own dresses, did the Groomsmen pay for their own suit hire?

I think it’s very bizarre to expect people to pay for the “privilege” of being part of the wedding party, by buying their own clothing they have little or no say about.

Yesiamhappy Was buying Tiffiany necklaces not part of the "Pinterest perfect" ideal as well though.

I don't think weddings can be the same anymore because increasingly friends and family don't tend to live nearby. My parents live very far up north and my nearest family member is still an hour away. Friends live all over the world. It wouldn't be cheap for anyone to come to one even if I had it in a local village hall.

I live in the SE.Everything near me is expensive in terms of venues and accommodation - B&B rooms in the pub are £150 a night. I think it's poor value for guests to travel to, hence having it abroad.Agreed Iits costing guests more time, and (marginally) more money but they get a decent weekend somewhere lovely that they can make their own. Or they can RVSP no if they can't make it. Our location is as special than our wedding to guests hopefully.

All my bridesmaids have ( considerably) more money than me. I did pay for a dress will all agreed on but now they have all been and bought other dresses they like better. Simply because they are enjoying shopping for a wedding!

Here's a link to Windmills to rent out. Is it one of these?

www.coolstays.com/inspiration/Windmills

It's a lovely idea and does sound fun.

@sheworebluevelvet. I got married 20years ago so no Pinterest - just loved them and thought they were nice gifts - not one photo was taken of them or the bags but can see now how they could form part of the Pinterest ideal. It was more from a “thank you for being part of my day” to my bridesmaids - they still wear them too (I also have one)

I'd like to think I'm not a bridezilla. We wanted to go abroad but my DGM won't make it to another grandchild's wedding (and I very nuch doubt her memory will be all there at mine) and I wanted her present.

We picked a very local venue, naice golf club, with cheap bar prices to keep all of our guests happy. No accommodation but 9/10s of our guests will be under a 20min taxi journey home and we included the details of hotels nearby for others, including Premier Inns etc. We were going to look elsewhere but prices of accommodation nearby/lack of accommodation nearby/bar prices etc all meant we vetoed them as unsuitable.

My sister generously offered to pay a chunk of the BM dresses but I would have paid otherwise. I let them choose the dress and went with it.
Shoes wise I've told them I don't care. Wear what they want be it new heels, old heels, converse or bloody nike. I'm changing in to converse anyway.
I'm paying for hair and makeup and letting them decide.
I vetoed some hen party ideas as I don't want them (or anyone) to take too much time off work or spend too much money.

I didn't want the big froofy wedding and, so far, it hasn't happened

Sorry to join the ‘when I got married...’ brigade, but just to add:

We had a fairly costly do, got married a bit older than most so had more disposable income to throw at it. We didn’t have bridesmaids or groomsmen. Never came up. No one was offended or surprised.

I think I may have asked my sister to pass on a message to the venue staff on the day? My husband probably asked one of his mates to find his jacket for the photos at some stage?

Point being, you’ll never in your life again be surrounded by so many people who love and like you. They’ll all be thrilled to help you on the day, and around that day. No need to pretend that there are so many sacred special duties that only a frocked-up doll friend can possibly manage.

Didn’t stop us having friends events before the wedding either. Funnily enough, we were both able to organise these events with a couple of texts. No dollies required there, either. I’m going to guess our mates shouted us a few drinks, which they managed to do without prior arrangements (but because they are nice, and adults).

I guess we just didn’t need to disrupt 6+ people’s lives, and force them to divert time, money and energy from their own lives just to feel like our wedding ‘month’ was special with ‘courtiers’.

Anyone who does strikes me as slightly deranged, or hypnotised by reality TV.

It’s almost as if these brides suspect no one will actually share their joy without being taken hostage for a month first...

Your wedding sounds wonderful

OP your wedding sounds lovely and your bridezilla friend sounds like a nightmare.

I think that if you are going to tell your bridesmaids what dresses they must wear (which I did ultimately, but with quite a lot of input from both of them) then you must pay for them. Mine have long dresses so I am not paying for their shoes because no one will see them anyway so they can wear shoes they already have.

I also think that if you need them to stay overnight for longer than regular guests in order to help you, or you want them to have their hair and makeup professionally done, you have to pay for that too.

This is what I am doing with mine and I will also get them both a lovely gift to say thanks for all their help.

It's a budget wedding and we are going to make it look beautiful ourselves with hundreds of tea lights and fairy lights. Yuck

derxa if you can't say anything nice... ftfo?

Wtf derxa

Sounds lovely OP!

@derxa Yuck!! (re your personality)

This is the kind of thing we are going for. I think it's lovely!