Correcting Dh’s grammar in front of dd because she’s starting to pick up his way of speaking.

[CocoDeMoll]

I’m not a snob in any way, seriously!!

My dd is 5 and she now attends a little local primary where there are lots of kids from v MC backgrounds and I don’t want her being picked on in the future because she says things wrong. And for the record my own spelling and grammar is shit so I’m not judging.

She’s says ‘them’ instead of ‘those’ as in ‘can I have some of them tomatoes’ and other stuff like that because dh does. Dh doesn’t realise this isn’t correct but doesn’t jump down my throat if I say it isn’t so he’s pretty decent about it. I have no issues with accents or dialects but I feel like down the line she might get further ahead if I correct her from saying stuff like ‘so I tells him’ to ‘so I told him’. AIBU?

As a child my mum would correct my grammar, annunciation and diction and although I hated being refused "wor-er" until I asked for "water" and "can I" for "may I" etc I am very grateful that she did.

M dad was a lost cause!

Why do so many parents teach babies to say ‘taaa’?

Presumably because they want to encourage early social interaction: the child may be too young to understand the concept of gratitude or have the linguistic skills to say "thank you", but it is a start along the road to communication.

Vocabulary, pronunciation and grammar are all constantly developing (split infinitive, anyone?!).

Indeed, but currently the use of "them" and "those" have specific uses, and the OP is quite right to ensure her DC can use them correctly.

have specific grammatical functions

I often drop letters eg Little becomes li-el. (If that's best way to write it!)? My 7 y/o corrects me quite happily in front of people........

English is not my first language and I do speak with an accent which is probably not going anywhere. But I have never used the words/expressions such as could of, them, taa, is been, etc. In my experience these are used by native speakers only so in this instance I would resolutely disagree with a notion that a nice speaker is always correct and that grammar issues occurred as a result of the increase in bilingualism.

Not nice speaker, native speaker!

Mixing “them” and “those” is common in loads of regional variations, some do it in Yorkshire, the East End, even the Appalachian mountains!

Basically we’re all speaking really shit Old English anyway. Pronouns, subject, object, demonstrative, etc are always moving about.

Look at singular You. I bet if there was a Mumsnet back in the day there’d be a thread saying “DH keeps saying you instead of thou. AIBU to correct him?”

Bilingual kids have no problem switching between two languages. Just treat them as different dialects so your DD sees the difference but not that one is better than the other.

@CocoDeMoll

It's not about your DH hurt feelings.

You are teaching your daughter that it's acceptable to 'correct' and undermine people, ie her father.

That will hold her back far more than 'incorrect' grammar.

YANBU.
Not a snob at all.
Dialects and grammar are 2 different things. Knowing that just because someone locally speaks this way, you don't 'write it'.
I come from Devon and some people had strong accents. Here in Surrey, many people have a London accent and I tease Dh that he sounds like and 'East London Barrow Boy'!!

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if it's already been said, but incorrect grammar does hold you back in an educational setting, so no OP you're not wrong to correct, but perhaps you could correct your DD instead of DH.

At the moment in my DDs class the girls seem to have invented a whole new word, "brang" so I'm trying to stamp that out! It drives me nuts!

I googled this once, and apparently saying "brang" is a very common thing that English-speakers all over the world do at a young age, most do grow out of it. (Presumably because their parents correct them.) If I remember correctly, the root cause of this pronunciation is not hearing a dialect, the pronunciation is inferred from a perceived rule of English pronunciation. (Or, to put it another way, "brang" is only not a legitimate word because English is inconsistent.)

Thanks for the range of replies. The most helpful have been the speech and language ones so I’ll make sure she learns by hearing me saying the correct thing rather than correcting anyone. That’s kind of how I’ve done it when I’ve been ‘correcting’ dh in front of her anyway. Not saying ‘you’re wrong!!’ But just saying the right word with some emphasis on it.

In case it's not clear, many young English-speakers will say "brang" even if they've never heard anyone else say it. Their knowledge of the rules of English at a particular age convinces them it should be a legitimate word.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your daughter will get much further in life if she can articulate herself properly.

My dad used to always pull me up on things. I'd say "It went good", and he'd reply, "It went well." I went to school in a region where nobody spoke properly - all the kids would drop the ends of their words. Their grammar was terrible. Because I was taught to speak properly, the other kids used to think I was "posh" and took the piss a little.

But it made me appreciate words and books. I went on to do an English degree and now I take great delight in pointing out all the errors my manager makes my company makes while proofreading their packaging/websites/press releases.

And thanks to the posters who’ve said dialects and grammar are two different things. I’ve got a bit of a regional accent and I’m very proud of it!!

I don't think it is unreasonable at all.
The one that really grinds my gears is the use of a double negative- "I don't want nothing" and the like.

I know language evolves, and I can't say how it is today, but when I moved from quiet rural backwaters to city life for Uni; it was evident that due to a thick country accent I was deemed 'common' and stupid. And that was just for the accent- I never had grammar problems.

There is nothing wrong with OP wanting their child to learn something correctly.

I would tell you to fuck off

My dh is upper class I am working class Tried to corpme one in front of the kids and he never will again

It’s undermining and also trying to or humiliate a parent in front of their children is not on the next time he try’s to humiliate me he will be leaving

And I not joking it’s not on their is nothing wrong with how I speak my 18 year old son is very academic speaks fine

metoodear then you and my dh see things differently as he says he wants to know the correct way of saying things and has asked me in the past to tell him.

I’d never want to humiliate him.

I already know I’ll have to do this when DH and I have kids. I dread the day one of my future DC inevitably pipes up with “I ain’t bein funny, but...”

One of the first things my MIL ever said to me was to comment on how well spoken I am “for a girl from Essex.”

DH is from Chingford. His school friends call him Del because of the way he speaks.

I think as long as you aren't actually saying 'DH you're wrong, this is the correct way' etc then you aren't undermining him - if you are just repeating what he said but correctly, your DD will not see this as undermining and it will help her get it right from a young age. You should also speak to your DH and ask if he can make an effort to use correct grammar around her so she doesn't get confused. My MIL comes from an area where they use a lot of incorrect phrases e.g them instead of those and her accent can also be quite hard to understand, but I have noticed when she speaks to my DS she speaks more clearly and says things correctly for him.

The worst is at nursery and school when teachers or other staff say things like 'do you want to go toilet' and your DCs pick up their way of saying it. I correct it at home but then always feel worried that my DS goes around correcting teachers and saying his mummy told him they can't speak properly! But despite what people might think about snobbery, it is important - if I interviewed someone who said things like 'I had one of them ones' (not sure why you'd say that in an interview but you get the idea), I would be concerned that their communication would be poor and it would look bad to anyone external so I'd be less likely to choose them unless they were outstanding in other areas.

Obviously no one has perfect grammar and there are 'mistakes' most people make e.g split infinitives, less not fewer, who/whom, all of which my mother used to correct me on but are now acceptable and no one would really notice. However there are very obvious basic errors that really grate on a lot of people and make the person come across uneducated even if they aren't which is a shame.

YABU. Very rude way to treat your DH.

thereareflowersinmygarden Of course it is perfectly acceptable to correct someone when they are wrong, else how do we learn? You also undermine someone far more by allowing them to continue doing something incorrectly when others will judge them negatively for it.

A good example is young people producing CVs and covering letters which are littered with spelling mistakes and consequently aren't selected for interviews.

@Penelopeshitstop, Just because someone doesn't speak 'The Queen's English' that doesn't mean that their CVs will be littered with errors.

@CocoDeMill

Why on EARTH did you marry your daughter's father if he is soooo common?!

Same question to the other posters here who constantly correct the way their kids speak 'because they sound like DH!!!' Or correct their DH in front of the kids. I seriously cannot imagine any man I know who would tolerate that shit from his wife. (OR any woman who would tolerate that shit from her husband.)

If any man I was with had ever told me I was speaking 'incorrectly,' I would have told him to go fuck himself, and he'd have been kicked to the kerb!

And yes; of course you are being a snob.

And...

YABVVVU!

Your kids are going to mix with 1000's of people who speak 'incorrectly' according to YOU; how on EARTH are you going to police your daughter talking to all these 'commoners?' And are you going to correct all of them too?

You are undermining your DH, and your daughter is seeing that too. How would you feel if he did that to you?

I mean, at the end of the day, who gives a fuck, really?!

And as I said, your kids are just going to pick up 'bad grammar' from others anyway, so to get all pissy about it, and keep telling your daughter that the way her FATHER speaks is 'wrong,' (and to correct him in front of her!) is just a bit of a shitty way to treat your husband tbh!

The responses on here would be VERY different if it had been a woman on here saying her man was saying she doesn't speak properly. The thread would be littered with LTBs!

I have a RP accent, as I am from Hampshire originally, but DH is a Geordie. I have never, ever picked him up on how he speaks, or attempted to 'correct' him. But then I am not a massive snob who thinks I am better than anyone else because I speak 'supposedly' posher!

And finally, anyone who assumes someone is 'uneducated' because they don't speak 'correctly' is nothing but a massive arse.