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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should hosts open booze / food that you bring to their house?

114 replies

vincettenoir · 08/08/2018 12:22

I have been burned a number of times when I have brought nice wine / champagne / after dinner mints that have been squirreled away for another occasion. I see these as an addition for the dinner but do some people see these offerings as a gift for the host?

How can I drop some hints that said wine / chocs are for sharing?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 08/08/2018 15:17

Oh, I usually take several bottles (and drink them all). Grin

I’m joking about drinking them all just in case the big Grin isn’t clear.

Thatsfuckingshit · 08/08/2018 15:20

Oh, I usually take several bottles

Then that's different. Taking a bottle of wine for yourself because you only drink that one is fine, especially if you friends are aware of this.

But ONLY taking one bottle, giving it to the host and then drinking it, is rude. The op hasn't said she takes several.

I still think the chocolate situation is massively cheeky.

Angelil · 08/08/2018 15:31

YABU. Gift for the host 100%.

Chewbecca · 08/08/2018 15:33

YABU

Sometimes I open what people bring, sometimes I don't. I might not open a bottle of fizz because I have already prepared a jug of cocktail as our aperitif. Or I might forget to open the chocs. Or my wine might be better chilled.

YABVU to suggest I am 'squirrelling' your gifts away when I am feeding and watering you.

DoubleNegativePanda · 08/08/2018 15:47

I'm American and we're really quite culturally rude in comparison to manners in the UK, and even I think it's poor manners to hint about opening wine you've brought as a hostess gift.

That said I do have friends that always serve Chardonnay (which I find syrupy and dreadful) so I always bring a bottle of nice Chard as a gift and another bottle of Sauv Blanc for myself.

Leyani · 08/08/2018 15:51

Friends of ours drop hints like ‘oh I’ll have some if the wine I brought’. It really pees me off. I bought very nice wine that goes with the meal I planned and it means that either I have to open theirs instead or have two bottles open that night not get finished since there’s always a driver. Strangely they never open what others bring when they’re hosting. Their wine is good quality but nothing out of the ordinary.

For me what I bring is a present and Hp tomorrow the host to decide

bastardlyandmutley · 08/08/2018 15:51

I think it depends. For instance, I think it is a bit off not open a bottle of fizz if a guest brings one.

I used to get a bit cheesed off with a relative who wouldn't open food that we bought along with us. We would travel a fair way to visit, usually meaning we missed lunch and we would be barely offered a cup of tea. We took to bringing cakes with us thinking they might be shared. Not a chance! I think that is rude.

Leyani · 08/08/2018 15:51

^ up to the host, ...stupid phone

Bluelady · 08/08/2018 16:53

Best lack of etiquette for your entertainment- our son and dil came to stay for three days at Christmas and brought with them nothing whatsoever apart from a small piece of cooked ham, large enough for two. We'd planned all the meals for the duration of their stay so it was still in the fridge when they left. They only asked for it back again!

So, ate and drank ar our expense for three days, brought no hostess gift and took the ham away with them. I was gobsmacked.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/08/2018 17:55

OH and his friends like to set wine tasting challenges for each other, which is why wine that is brought is for immediate consumption, not as a gift. If I thought that any wine we took somewhere was to be taken as a gift we would take 2 bottles - one to drink now and one as the gift.

cricketmum84 · 08/08/2018 18:10

Just remembered a meal that we were invited to at a friends house. I took some flowers as a gift and asked what we could bring to contribute to the meal - she said some nice cheeses for afterwards. I spent a decent amount on 4/5 good cheeses. She then served up a supermarket cheesecake for dessert, never opened the cheeses and I didn't dare say anything!!

Next night she puts a pic on Facebook of her and some friends enjoying their "wine and cheese night"

PrimalLass · 08/08/2018 18:31

Some of your 'dinners with friends' are a lot more formal than ours. Which tend to involve feeding the kids then everyone getting a bit pissed and eating curry. None of this different wines in case someone is only drinking chardonnay (it's minging) m'larkey.

IceCreamFace · 08/08/2018 18:36

I think usually it's seen as a gift - hosting a dinner is fairly expensive usually, so even a decent bottle of champagne is probably less than they shelled out for the meal and drinks. They also may have planned out the wine to compliment the food (personally I would have no idea how to do this but some people are more cultured than me!).

IceCreamFace · 08/08/2018 18:39

Although a proper cheapskate friend once came round empty handed and particularly wanted a special type of wine and coffee (he was staying a night and wanted the coffee for the morning) I walked with him to the shop and the total came to £21 something. He paid on his card but I gave him £20 (as the host I wanted to make sure he was comfortable). There were only 3 drinkers at dinner but he wouldn't let anyone else drink "his" wine (although he tucked into the other bottles). When he left the next day he also packed up the remaining coffee and took it with him! THAT was cheap.

Aragog · 09/08/2018 14:00

I can only assume from this thread that she people have much more formal meals with friends than others.

We have some friends were it is more formal and we take host gift.

But then we also have much closer friends (and family) where we take drinks and they are drunk there and then, and vice versa when they come to ours. But they are more additions to the evening, not gifts. The gifts are necessary in these cases as it is fairly regularly and it is often reciprocated - take it in turns almost.

drinking chardonnay (it's minging)

Chardonnay comes in many forms. Some I don't like. Some is delicious. Its taste can vary massively.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/08/2018 18:12

Our meals with friends are always informal.

minipie · 09/08/2018 18:18

I'd say YABU unless it's something you were asked to bring as a contribution to the meal.

LongSummerDays · 09/08/2018 18:25

I think it's a gift for the host. Any meal I plan for guests is planned to the last detail including wine pairings. It's something that I'm trained in and love doing.

Any wine that guests bring I put to one side and make a point to invite the giver around in the week to partake. Smile

Eliza9917 · 09/08/2018 18:26

@puppymonkey you are

YukonGold · 09/08/2018 18:27

Our dinner parties tend to be fairly informal and any wine that we take with us tends to get drunk but that may also be to do with the amount of wine that everyone drinks, waayyyyyy more than anticipated 😂 I always take wine and flowers so that the flowers are the gift.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 09/08/2018 18:33

Our meals with friends are always informal

I would say that ours are as well, but I really think it means different things to different people.

For some, informal is friends over for a takeaway and all sitting watching TV. For others, it's three courses and sitting around a candlelit dinner table, but still informal because you all know each other really well and you have a laugh, but you all observe basic dinner party manners.

CherryPavlova · 09/08/2018 18:34

No it would be very rude to expect it to be opened. Your host will already have chosen the wines for the meal to accompany the food. They’d be put out if somebody turned up with a cheap Chardonnay and wanted it with Venison.
Champagne is not served after a meal.
I might open some chocolates a friend brought but not necessarily. Occasionally a close friend will ring and ask what we’re eating so they can bring something to go with it ( but I’d then expect enough bottles for everyone).
If it’s a simple kitchen supper where everyone contributes then that’s a different matter.

PurpleCrowbar · 09/08/2018 18:37

I've always rocked up with at least two bottles tbh.

'Thank you for having me/us - this is for you! Oh & I've brought this for tonight?'

But to be fair, most of my lot I've known 25 years, since student days. We don't stand on ceremony - we all remember when a Top Nite In involved cider, beanfeast & magic mushrooms Grin.

For people I don't know so well it would definitely be a Nice Bottle for them to stash (& still an extra bottle just in case supplies run low).

Broussard · 09/08/2018 18:40

I have been burned a number of times when I have brought nice wine / champagne / after dinner mints that have been squirreled away for another occasion

Actually cringing for you OP. You've brought gifts to your hosts and actually thought they were in the wrong for not opening them to give to you?
Do you buy people smellies for birthdays and then hop in the bath with them?

anniehm · 09/08/2018 18:43

Unless you have specifically been asked to contribute, it is a gift. I will have bought in wine and chocolates already, to match (ish) what I'm cooking, a bottle of bubbly that won't stretch to all the guests would be a bit rude to open I think.

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