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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should hosts open booze / food that you bring to their house?

114 replies

vincettenoir · 08/08/2018 12:22

I have been burned a number of times when I have brought nice wine / champagne / after dinner mints that have been squirreled away for another occasion. I see these as an addition for the dinner but do some people see these offerings as a gift for the host?

How can I drop some hints that said wine / chocs are for sharing?

OP posts:
Barbayagar · 08/08/2018 14:37

It wouldn't occur to me to wonder about it or expect it - as far as I am concerned it is a gift for the hosts, unless it's an event where I was specifically asked to bring my own to drink.

LeftRightCentre · 08/08/2018 14:38

Or just hand them back to her at the door, Ten. 'What a lovely thought, but I've already made a dessert for us and I know how much you like your choccies for dessert, so I'll just give these back to you to open in your own time so our dessert's not spoiled.'

CardinalCat · 08/08/2018 14:39

Unless it is a BBQ or some kind of picnic, or where there is otherwise some kind of clear implication that it's a BYOB type affair, it is not right for gifts to be opened at the occasion, for the reasons stated many times above.
If you have a particular taste requirement (e.g. you only like sweet wine) then you should say to the host in advance that you are a fussy so and so who only likes [sweet wine] but you will be more than happy to bring your own (and of course a good host will insist that they lay this on for you, assuming that said fussy taste is something like sweet wine and not 'I only drink Krug'.) Grin

antimatter · 08/08/2018 14:39

@Mari50
Once went to a friends who had agreed to host meet up last minute as original host was ill. We brought all the food (had been ordered by original host from M&S, paid for by everyone attending) she put it in the freezer and gave us shit from Asda.
However, she was good enough to host and if she wanted a freezer full of M&S party food who were we to argue....

Maybe she bought Asda shit and defrosted it?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 08/08/2018 14:40

lovely chocolates

Is it just me who’s way to British to describe chocolates I’ve brought as lovely! Even if they are!

PuppyMonkey · 08/08/2018 14:46

See, in my defence Grin I am a fussy bugger when it comes to wine and I often get offered Sauvignon Blanc which I can’t bear - which is why I make sure I have brought a bottle of Chardonnay just in case. Wink

Fortunately my friends aren’t that big on 1950s etiquette, we’re all much more informal than you lot.Wink

EdisonLightBulb · 08/08/2018 14:46

If I was brought chocolates to a meal I have to say I would see them as a gift and not for sharing.

If you brought a trifle I would serve it with the pudding I had organised.

If you brought wine and I had already bought wine, I would drink the cheapest and save the best for another day irrespective of whether you bought it or it did. Grin

cricketmum84 · 08/08/2018 14:46

Easy - I just take flowers instead. After countless episodes of come dine with me I see a bottle of wine taken to a dinner as a gift that the host would enjoy at a later date. Taking flowers removes any confusion :)

RiverTam · 08/08/2018 14:50

It’s a gift but it does annoy me if I buy something good quality but get given Roses after dinner instead. Don’t give your guests your cheap shit!

OliviaStabler · 08/08/2018 14:52

I don't think it matters, really, unless you are bringing £25 bottles of wine and your host is serving you cheese on toast and half a glass of Liebfraumilch while squirrelling away your nice bottle, in which case you might want to rethink what you bring!

You'd likely rethink ever accepting a dinner invite from them again!

shoofly · 08/08/2018 14:53

I think the etiquette is that it's a gift for the host. White wine in our house is often sauvignon blanc so in PuppyMonkey situation, I wouldn't be particularly bothered, by her preference for chardonnay. In that case, I'd assume she'd turn up with more than a single bottle...ie flowers or chocolate as a gift Wink

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 08/08/2018 14:54

Fortunately my friends aren’t that big on 1950s etiquette, we’re all much more informal than you lot

It's not '1950's etiquette,' it's just good manners really.

Informal arrangements/occasions between friends are also different to a relatively formal dinner party setting, which seems to be the direction of the thread.

Rebecca36 · 08/08/2018 14:56

Quite normal for hosts to keep your gifts for use at a later date. They will already have provided for your visit.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 08/08/2018 14:57

Fortunately my friends aren’t that big on 1950s etiquette, we’re all much more informal than you lot

I don’t think that appreciation of the host’s efforts is all that 1950’s really...

WizardOfToss · 08/08/2018 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longwayoff · 08/08/2018 14:58

Its a gift! If you took flowers would you want them put on the table immediately? I do share any drink or chocs that guests bring but thats just a personal choice, I don't expect others to do the same.

LowPainThreshold · 08/08/2018 15:02

Are me and OH the only people who throw dinner parties and don't have any wine, gifts or otherwise, left over...???

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2018 15:03

It's not really a gift if you expect to be able to direct it's usage, is it?

If the host wishes to open the food/wine I brought as a gift that's fine. But it's equally fine for them to put away to enjoy later.

RB68 · 08/08/2018 15:05

I think its another u nonu thing. Entertainment that is more laid back - open if needed and share chocs at end of the meal - bring out whatever you provided and anything from guests and its a free for all.

More formal, I wouldn't nec bring wine and chocs but something specifically for the hostess more of a gift than a token, for really posh things it wouldn't be the thing to bring wine and chocs but a decent hostess gift if its not a regular thing or if regular generally its done on a quid pro quo so the invite would be issued for a return visit etc

But I am just making up what seems reasonable in my head - lol so who is going to check in Debretts??

Thatsfuckingshit · 08/08/2018 15:08

Jesus wept, someone invites you to their house and provides food and drink. Instead of taking a gift, you take wine and/or chocolate as an addition to the meal?

Not a thank you gift? And think the hosts are squirrling away?

You are essentially telling them they need your input and additions to make their meal complete.

C.f. at it best

LeftRightCentre · 08/08/2018 15:09

Nothing to do with 1950s etiquette, fucking rude to announce, 'Let's share my chocies' out when the host has gone to the trouble of making a dessert for everyone. I'd just give you them back, 'No, thanks, I've already made a dessert to go with the dinner.'

Thatsfuckingshit · 08/08/2018 15:10

Fortunately my friends aren’t that big on 1950s etiquette, we’re all much more informal than you lot.

You take a bottle of wine for yourself and nothing as a gift?

Thatsfuckingshit · 08/08/2018 15:14

I’d also say: “right time to open those lovely chocolates then” at a suitable interlude during the proceedings.

Sorry, but I find this cringy. Not only are you saying the hosts clearly didn't feed you enough but that your gift is so fabulous that everyone must see that you brought them.

donkeysandzebras · 08/08/2018 15:14

Sometimes friends will bring chocolates or a dessert or a cheeseboard or champagne as pre-agreed and we will enjoy that on the evening as it was part of the planned meal (although I will always have a back up in case they can't make it for some reason). If they bring chocolates, I will open them as we don't tend to eat chocolate so they won't otherwise get eaten. Everything else, though, which is brought gets put to one side. If we're hosting 6 for dinner (so 8 inc us) I would expect to provide nibbles, a starter, main, dessert and chocolates. We'll have red & white wine glasses on the table. We will have several bottles of two or three white wines and red wines so if someone is drinking chardonnay we can keep topping up their glass as we can the person drinking merlot and the person drinking Sauvignon Blanc without having to get them a clean glass.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/08/2018 15:17

“I see these as an addition for the dinner “

So would I. In our circles it is an unwritten rule that anything our guests bring is for immediate consumption rather than a gift. Why don’t you say something along the lines of “I have brought this wine to have with the meal/chocolates to have after the meal”.

“They are gifts for the host to do as they please.”

Not necessarily sexnotgender

“I usually just ask when host offers me a drink: “I’ll have a glass of that Chardonnay I brought along thanks.” Etc.”

That’s what our friends and we do as well. OH prefers to enjoy his wine before food, so it doesn’t really matter if the wine matches the food anyway.

“This is one of those confusions that is caused by changing practices so that different people have very fixed ideas on what is the "right" way to do things.”

Yes, I agree. I’m amazed at the number of people who think it is rude to open wine that has been brought. You must think that my friends and I are very rude, because we all do it.

“If someone said 'I'll have a glass of that Chardonnay I brought' I would not be inviting them again. So rude!

Nor me!”
“It'd be the last invite you got to mine for dinner.”

Wow! Some people are so easily offended. What happens if the host has carefully chosen a white wine to go with a course and one of the guests doesn’t like white wine and only drinks red?

We don’t move in posh circles though, and a meal at our house is a meal rather than a dinner party

PuppyMonkey we aren’t big on 1950s etiquette either Grin, and are far more informal than most of the posters on here. Usually when friends come to ours they bring wine to drink with the meal, and flowers as a gift.