Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should hosts open booze / food that you bring to their house?

114 replies

vincettenoir · 08/08/2018 12:22

I have been burned a number of times when I have brought nice wine / champagne / after dinner mints that have been squirreled away for another occasion. I see these as an addition for the dinner but do some people see these offerings as a gift for the host?

How can I drop some hints that said wine / chocs are for sharing?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/08/2018 13:58

How can I drop some hints that said wine / chocs are for sharing?

You don't.

Well not unless you're ok with coming across as crass and a bit rude.

CryHavoc · 08/08/2018 13:59

Well if everyone brought wine and they had already bought an planned the wine there's no point having 15 bottles for 8 people is there?

Ah, LemonysSnicket, you obviously haven't met my friends...

Seriously though, I always cater for the people I'm hosting, and if I take something to someone else's house it is a gift to thank the hosts for having me. However, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked to drink what they had brought with them.

I think it's one of those things that will vary from group to group, and all depends on what the norm is for that group.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 08/08/2018 14:06

How can I drop some hints that said wine / chocs are for sharing?

You don’t, OP. They are a gift for the host and they can do whatever they like with them, and most of the time that is to enjoy at a different time as they have already planned the evening.

You can’t give someone a gift and dictate to when when they open it.

I also think PuppyMonkey is rude. If you said that about the wine, I’d reply with “Oh, I didn’t realise you brought your own drink! Silly me assuming it was a gift for us when you personally handed it to me.” Similarly, if you tried to get us to open the chocolates I’d say something along the lines of “I’ve already got chocolates out, I’ll save those for another time.”

rosamundhopelovesdogs123 · 08/08/2018 14:11

If someone brought a nice bottle to my party I would definitely offer to open it for them/us to enjoy.
I've been to parties where the hosts provide plonk and squirrel away delicious bottles people bring. Pretty tight behaviour. No problem with offering people plonk but don't be offended if people chip in with their own offerings.

DaffodilPower · 08/08/2018 14:13

I wouldn't open something a guest brought with them and gave to me as host, I'd assume it was a gift - I always thought it was a major faux pas to offer a guest food or drink they had brought with them (unless as PP have said they'd been asked to bring a bottle etc.)..

PinkHeart5914 · 08/08/2018 14:14

Surely what you take is a gift of thanks to the host? So I expect them to keep and have them another time tbh rather than use them at time.

Any decent host will already have enough food and drink for the evening anyway

Andtheresaw · 08/08/2018 14:17

Hostess gift.
I think ti's different for an informal BYOB type bar5cbecue or something but if invited for dinner it's all host gifts unless previously agreed that a guest will provide dessert or whatever.
If someone said 'I'll have a glass of that Chardonnay I brought' I would not be inviting them again. So rude!

Coffeeandcrochet · 08/08/2018 14:18

I agree with most PP, there shouldn't be an obligation on the host to open a gift - but then when I host I always make sure I provide plentiful food and booze, and good quality stuff too, so hopefully my guests wouldn't complain!

That said, I have one group of friends where the norm is whoever is visiting brings a bottle or two to enjoy that evening, but that's just how things have evolved in that group. I don't think it's the default approach.

Thisnamechanger · 08/08/2018 14:19

I take two bottles. Hand the nice one over and ask for a glass for some of the plonk :)

Gottokondo · 08/08/2018 14:19

I like Rose wine. For some reason people mix that up with red wine. At my last party 6 years ago I received 8 bottles of red wine. I opened 1 for the occasional red wine drinker and it didn't get finished. Most of my friends drink white wine or beer. I didn't open any of the other bottles that people brought thereafter (because one was already open).

Lunde · 08/08/2018 14:19

You give these things as a gift to the host not as something to consume yourself. Dropping hints is pretty crass and an insult to the host

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 08/08/2018 14:20

I would also assume any wine/chocolates etc. were a gift, and wouldn’t open them during the course of the evening. I would also think it was really weird if a guest specifically asked for a glass of the wine they had brought along, as normally when I’m hosting I’ll have planned wine to go with what we’re eating.

mostdays · 08/08/2018 14:21

I think of it as a gift to the host and don't expect them to open it, unless it's more of a BYOB affair in which case I don't hand it over I just open it!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 08/08/2018 14:23

If someone said 'I'll have a glass of that Chardonnay I brought' I would not be inviting them again. So rude!

Nor me!

ThisCannotBe · 08/08/2018 14:25

It'd be the last invite you got to mine for dinner. Go to the trouble and expense of hosting and then have some cheeky fuck say "your choice of wine/champagne/chocolates isn't up to scratch so crack open what I bought with me eh".

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 08/08/2018 14:25

I usually just ask when host offers me a drink: “I’ll have a glass of that Chardonnay I brought along thanks.” Etc. I’d also say: “right time to open those lovely chocolates then” at a suitable interlude during the proceedings

Grin I have to say, while I would always smile and oblige, I would be thinking that this ^^ was probably a bit...socially clunky? A bit 'I'm entitled to some of this, then'?

I completely agree that dinner party gifts are entirely at the discretion of the host. Often, the wine, chocolates etc. have already been chosen so there is a risk that shoehorning in your own choice is a bit off.

A friend with excellent social graces often takes along a really lovely, unchillled white wine, so the host has no pressure to serve it and there's an unspoken message that it's purely a gift to the host.

Jaxhog · 08/08/2018 14:25

YABU - it's a gift for the host, to thank them for hosting and the effort/money they've put into the food.

Unless it's bottle brought expressly to celebrate a special occasion e.g. champagne. But you should bring another gift as well.

CoralFish · 08/08/2018 14:25

YABU. I think they should be a 'thanks for hosting' gift, rather than a contribution, but I know not everyone agrees. I always offer my guests a choice of drink, including whatever they've brought, because I know some people think like you, but I am secretly offended when they request their own wine instead of the bottle I've carefully selected to go with dinner. Chocolates I confess I don't usually remember they're there once we've finished dinner, so they tend not to get opened.

Tentomidnight · 08/08/2018 14:27

My MIL always brings chocolates, for me as a gift, she says.. and then demands that we open and share them after dinner!

haribosmarties · 08/08/2018 14:30

If you dont want it thought of as a gift then dont give it to the host. Open it yourself when you get there and then say 'I brought this to share' or just offer people some.
Anything you hand to the host when you arrive will be taken as a gift which they may or may not open and share during the evening.

ladycarlotta · 08/08/2018 14:31

you really can't expect them to open your wine or chocs. The only time I'd expect that is if I'd been in touch with the host beforehand asking if I could contribute anything and they specifically said 'a bottle' or 'something to go with pudding' or whatever.

These things are always a gift.

LeftRightCentre · 08/08/2018 14:33

It's a gift to the host unless it's a BYOB/pot luck type meet up. You feel burned that the host accepted a gift from you for hosting? Wow.

Puppy, you're beyond rude. 'Oh, hadn't realised I said BYOB in the invite, but hey, go ahead and grab a glass from the top cupboard to the left of the sink,' and then I'd let you drink your own chard all night. As for 'open the chocs!' I'd just hand you back the box to take home as I'd have already made a dessert. And that would be the last time you came to my house.

mineisarossini · 08/08/2018 14:33

Yes it is poor etiquette to open anything given as a gift to the host, it implies the host has not prepared enough or has faltered in his/her planning in some way.

LeftRightCentre · 08/08/2018 14:35

My MIL always brings chocolates, for me as a gift, she says.. and then demands that we open and share them after dinner!

Just hand them back to her unopened. 'I've already made a dessert for us to eat but if you prefer to eat your own, here you are, you can have your chocolates,' with a smile.

HelenUrth · 08/08/2018 14:36

I'd think it's very cheeky for someone to bring wine or chocs/sweets and expect them to be opened that night. Like do you think I'm going to leave you hungry or thirsty? Or did you not think I'd have planned a decent amount of food and drink?!

That said, I've (ex) friends who wouldn't buy wine for dinner parties. Every. Single. Time. they would say Oh I meant to buy something nice in the (expensive) wine shop in town. So they would open the bottles we brought.

When we copped that they had their own very naice wine hidden away (his red in a cupboard, her white tucked away in the fridge), that was enough and we stopped going to their house.